I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Tatted up

God I want my tattoos so bad. Too bad I don't have the money right now, and can't really save up either. But when I get it/them they shall be awesome. I think I found the shop I wanna see if I can get it done at. If not I might see if they can work on my back. I want to add "Corrupt my hope/In joyous hell" above and below the dragons. *sigh* Adding to my back shall be interesting. I don't really know what could be added to them, but then again that's what artists are for.