I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

Hmm...

So tonight I had a bit of a reality check. For me to do the Ireland BUNAC program in (it would need to start between Feb and Aug) 2012, I would need to save up at least $4500 by that time. The question becomes can I do that. Let's say I start saving next month and want to try the program for Feb 2012, that's 15 months. I would need to save $300 a month. Granted I'm hoping to make about $1000 a month between my two jobs. However, if I aimed for August 2012 and a 21 month buffer, I would only need to save $215 a month.

Nevertheless, my big problem will come from my credit cards and my student loans kicking in. One of them, I can't seem to get a decent dent in. The other, my mom helped pay down some, but it's still at a not so pretty number. I really wish I could just combine them and just pay one card. My life would be much easier, but with the crappy credit score I have little hope of getting either card extended to accommodate both of them, that and balance transfers can incur some crazy interest rates.

So time to try and get some stuff done, like seeing if I can get on foodstamps. That alone would help take care of some of the money issues. We'll see how this fares.

School Thoughts After Actually Having Graduated

And since I neglected my other plans for the future in that post...

When I interviewed for the library job last week, and I mentioned I was going to GPC for their library science program, the director of circulation mentioned that I should just go after a master of library science considering it would take about the same amount of time and most of them are completely online. So I went ahead with all my processes for GPC. If my money comes through before school starts, I'll go ahead with that and go for the Master's a little later on. If it doesn't, I'm just going to try and get everything settled for trying to enroll at Valdosta for spring.

In even further ahead future plans, I want to go back to GSU to get my Sociology degree. When I graduated, I was 6 classes away from having that degree, so I figure I can go back and take 2 or 3 semesters to complete it, and then I'd have 3 degrees under my belt (either an Assoc. and 2 BAs, or 2 BAs and a Masters). Granted I like the sound of the second set more, but I needed to go to school now to postpone the loan payage considering I've been having trouble finding a job.

My biggest thing comes with the Master's I really want. I can either stay in Georgia (and go to Georgia State) or I can go back to England (going to Northumbria's rival Newcastle). I kinda feel that I'd have a better chance with the field that I want in England because they have so much history, especially up North, but that could just be me wanting to go back. What I do know, is that the British National Museum is huge and I would love to work there. But here in the US, we do have the Smithsonian, which from what I remember was pretty epic too. The other thing would be cost. It would definitely be more expensive for me to do the 1 year program at Newcastle, but it could possibly weight out to be the same as doing a two year program here.

My biggest thing is I want to be at a history museum. That's where my passion for museums lie. I doubt I'll ever go further with history straight up. I wanted to get a Ph.D., but GSU kinda ruined my love of history (ironically Northumbria showed me exactly what I wanted to do in History). So it's like choices choices.

The Things We Wish For

My mind is all types of jumbled. This last week has been hellish, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I just keep thinking about the last time I talked to my dad. We were supposed to go up for Memorial Day, but Ryan had food poisoning. Part of me blames Ryan right now because I don't think he was as sick as he was acting, especially considering he was fine to get up and play video games. Then again, I didn't expect that to be the last time I would be talking to my dad. And another part of me remembers how disappointed my dad sounded when he told me to tell Ryan that he hoped he felt better. I almost wonder if he felt that would be the last time he spoke. I feel even worse because I was supposed to have called him to tell him why my cousin's ex-boyfriend wasn't coming up.

And one would think a funeral would make my mom be a little less bitchy, but no. I was treated like a 5-year old imbecile by not only her, but also by my brother-in-law. Being logical was my way of dealing with what happened, but still. What's worse, because my mom thought I stormed out during the funeral arrangements, she didn't put a picture of me and my dad in the funeral program after there was one picture I specifically asked her to put in. My sister didn't even seem to object to that and in fact two pictures of her with my parents ended up in the program along with individual pictures of her kids. Considering most people are never completely sure whose child I am, it's the least they could have done.

But I guess at this point, it's whatever. I can't go back and change it. Right now, I'm just trying to get along with my mother. I know she loves me in her own weird way, but I don't see how tearing someone down all the time is showing love.

To go or not to go...?

Well two months exactly since my last post. I was probably bitching about Ryan in that, but what's new?

In that two months, I've at least finished my undergrad degree in History (seems I might be graduating cum laude). I don't think being done with GSU has completely hit me yet, since I'm still working there through the end of the week. After that, maybe it will finally feel like a reality. And me being me, and not wanting to go to grad school immediately, and yet not have to start paying back my loans, I'm trying to go to another school to obtain an Associate's in Library Science. Nonetheless, I'm still planning on going to grad school. In a way, it's kind of a good thing I'm a little disgruntled over Arizona right now, because I found out that Newcastle University has a Museum Studies program. In fact, I found a lot more Museum Studies programs than I thought there were. New York seems to have the most, but there are school in the UK. Like 5 or 6 of them. And what I would pay for one year of going to one of those schools, I would pay for two years going to a school in the States. SO the question becomes what to do? I could try and go to school here. I could try for Newcastle. I could be a little more adventurous and try somewhere else in the UK, or I could go for the most out there one and try for the school in Australia.

I'm going to take the GRE for the American schools, just in case, but I know my heart is set on going outside the country. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back overseas ever since I came back. I'm envious of my friend Matt who's getting to come here for like a two week vacation (he's been gone from here for like a year), and my friend Nicole who's getting to move to England (she's getting married though). As much as I bitched and moaned at times while I was in England, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. And I know the major thing that kept me from completely enjoying my experience there, wouldn't be an issue this time.

Everything is tell me to go for it, but then my practical side kicks in, and I know the money will be the biggest issue. I had my mom helping me the first time. Now I would have to figure out my own way. I'm up for the task mind you, but at the same time it feels over-whelming. The thought of putting myself into infinitely more debt than I already have when I could stay in the US and probably have less. I'm gonna have to stop thinking about this, or I'll talk myself out of it. Right now, I just want to decide which places I want to look at. I've never been to Australia, and the uni there is in Sydney. At the same time, Newcastle is my other home. I love that city as much as I love Atlanta. At the same time though, I could branch out within the UK and see what other parts of the country have to offer.

I am a horrible decision maker.

Writing

I can't tell you why, but I'm hella inconsistent on writing on any type of journal or blog. Bad thing is I love writing. Or at least writing things I'm good at. BSing History papers at the last minute = a school well learned in high school. Trying to write an analytical English paper on a novel = You want what? I learned this well in attempting to take a Lit class this semester. I was okay with understanding what the professor was talking about until it came to my presentation. In that case, I wrote what I'm good at, while she wanted analysis. That was a bad combo. Unfortunately, I didn't really have the time to give her what she wanted, and so I had to drop the class because that presentation was 20% of the grade.

Luckily I still have 13 credit hours with the class being dropped, which actually means, in all 5 hellascious years I've been at this school, I've never gone part time. I still wonder how I pulled off 18 credit hours last Spring and managed to get on the Dean's List for it too. (As a side note, that's something else I find awesome. I've only not been on Dean's List twice, and I've made President's List before. Thank you summer semester.) But in a way this got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in grad school? Classes aren't so easily gotten rid of when you aren't doing so well in them because you're a lot more concentrated. This alone is going to force me to not be indecisive, something which I almost think it's impossible for me not to be. But honestly, I don't see myself getting a decent job in a historical field with just a B.A., so it seems force is what it will take.

I'm also trying to write short stories, but I'm so horrible at writing in detail. I can picture everything in my head vividly. It's just getting it onto the page that's the problem. I still want to try and do NaNoWriMo, but this shall be quite interesting when it comes down to it. 50,000 words in one month on a story about a callgirl and the business man who falls for her... well it's a little more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

Randomness Part Whatever

Warning: This post is partially sex related. You have been warned.


I am having way too much fun with Tumblr. I love how so many of them are photo-blogs. However, if anyone sees it, they'd think I'm a sex-fiend for just how many I am following. I'm really not. I promise. I don't know where my recent obsession with sex images is coming from. I'm not horny; I just find them extremely interesting. I've also found photo-blogs of hot guys. Now that may be an entirely different story as to why I follow them. It satisfies my lust for white guys since they don't really like me that way. I must say that sucks ass, but oh well. Maybe moving to Phoenix will change things. Then again losing weight will probably help too. But I've begun to ramble.

In other news, Ryan "apologised" last week, giving me a card and chocolates. It was a really sweet card, basically saying that we've been through a lot and that's what makes us stronger together. However, our Facebook relationship status is still "single" and he's actually not said anything about us actually being together. So right now we're essentially bedmates. I'm not going to say anything. I still don't really have strong feelings about it. It almost seems like he apologised after I broke down while on the phone with him.

Last Wednesday was just a bad day, especially considering my computer decided to break by not booting. So it's been sent off to Gateway for three weeks. This prompted me to buy the netbook I'm currently typing on. I want to keep it, but it's not economical considering I bought it with a credit card. So more than likely it's either going back to the store or it's being sold. I have a potential buyer, I just need her to get back in touch with me.

Well back to not paying attention to the history of South Africa.

Single Again...

So today, Ryan broke up with me. Mostly after I claimed that he didn't really have the balls to do it. As he said, it was a long time coming. I don't feel too upset over it. Right now I'm just thinking of the financial bind that puts me in, as if I wasn't in a bad enough one already. Maybe it's a type of a shock. Though, I'm not exceedingly shocked. He's been joking around about us breaking up for a while now. And I've been thinking about it longer. Came at a bad time though, but looking at it, it could have come at a worse one, like during finals. I really don't want to explain this to my family. Especially after the big to-do my dad was making this weekend about Ryan and I not really talking to each other. Oh well, it's done. Time to deal and move on.

Procrastination

So in a further effort to not do my work, I'm going to blog.

I've decided to go through with the whole graduate school thing. I don't honestly think I can live in Atlanta for longer than I need to. I'm going to apply to both Arizona State (here's to hoping they find the faculty positions they need) and Indiana University, Bloomington. I'm really more hoping for ASU because I think it would be more like the culture shock I got from going to Newcastle. I've never been out west, I hate the cold for the most part, and I just think it would utterly different for me. Plus it helps that my other hockey team is there. I think the Coyotes are the other big reason why I'd pick Phoenix over Bloomington. But in the mean time, I need to take the GRE, find three teachers to write recommendations for me, and write my statement of purpose. The statement will be the hardest thing, because even now, I'm still not completely sure what I want to do with my life. There are times I wish I just had the money to travel and never look back. Money will surely be the bane of my existence for years to come.

On another note, I'm still trying to write, though I doubt I'll let anyone see it. Writing is something I've been okay at since I was little, but I doubt it's up to par for anything. Like most things I can do, I'm okay at it, but not great at it. Oh well. I'll just get my random little stories out of my head as usual and be done with it. I'm not sure if I'm still gonna do NaNoWriMo. We'll see come October.

But now I really must do work. I'm such a slacker.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.

"Stupid in Love"

Skip to the bottom for my comment if you don't wanna read this all

I've ALWAYS loved darker skin and a voluptuousness figure. Among other things, they're some of the aspects that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the most beautiful and sexy women on earth, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM often get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and even turned off at times by a man who expressed that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? What's your hold up? Because it IS YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating for me to come across that, because my heart's desire was simply to express my appreciation and love for their beauty, and speaking of it is one of the ways a man does so; yet they wouldn't let me because they were offended that I found their God-given features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense to me! I think often times, people don't know how to relax and be themselves and let others simply appreciate them. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment! There isn't always an ulterior motive or lack of depth behind it. Let us WM appreciate you with our compliments!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Everyone talks about "bein' real" these days, so let me be real: Of course we desire s*x with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease desiring s*x because we find you incredible? If I'm going to be thought of as having a f*tish, then it's a permanent one. I'm not apologizing for my God-given desires. Would you prefer to have my desire for you wane like the daylight? I'd think not! My desire is to be in a committed relationship with a BW and for her to desire me physically and sexually (and to express it to me) just as much as I desire her, and permanently so. It's not just about body and s*x, but it IS a significant aspect and just as important as the mind, the emotions, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring beautiful full lips, a big booty, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. I love your cute nose, your hair, your femininity, your spirit. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down - I always have. Why are some people attracted to blondes and others brunettes? Why do some like thin and others love curvy? My desires are what God Himself placed within me. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man and share with her how much I'm attracted to her and her beauty, and let me show that love and appreciation through my words the way I know how (as a man), then it would serve to help build trust and ultimately, relationship.

Now, I understand that a man needs to pay attention to the elements of boundary and tact, but at the same time, this shouldn't mean that he can't be free to express his appreciation for what he sees. We're not horses with blinders. We have eyes and minds to process what we see, and we're very visually oriented. Women desire intimacy and communication from men, ultimately speaking, but when a WM begins to express himself and what he loves and is attracted to in regard to BW, suddenly, it devolves into suspicion, fear, and defensiveness.

Now let me express my heart further... My heart's desire is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with a BW, to love her, to make her my queen, and to be her king. And please don't mock that statement. I'm not speaking of fairy tales, but two adults loving and investing in each other for life. Every couple has their issues to work through - that's life - but my desire is to be married to a BW and to build a good life and marriage, to build a family and a home with her, and to grow old together. None of these things in life are achieved without there first being a very strong desire to do so. Shall I go on? Yes, I want our relationship to be hot and passionate, but I also want it to serve as an example to others about the way God intended a man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. I want mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual intimacy with a BW. I mean, isn't relational intimacy what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Of course, s*x and physical attraction are also important, and I want both to be white hot, just like any BW would want. However, it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need the freedom to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. You're not an object to me. You're a woman first, a creation of God (and the most beautiful at that), you're a person with a beautiful heart and mind - thoughts and feelings, desires and goals, hopes and fears, victories and regrets, just as any other person. You're someone whose mind and strength I highly value and desire. You just so happen to have the physical and sexual qualities that drive me crazy! Yes, you have the incredible curves and brown skin that I love, OK? Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "f*tish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's simply a part of how I share and show my appreciation and love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it creates pain - it begins to wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love and appreciation. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love and appreciate each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't reject someone just because they desire to appreciate you.

Now, I understand that everything should be looked at with wisdom... there are those who are selfish and spend their lives hurting people. And no one wants to be used and abused. I understand that. People have their experiences and defenses according to what they've gone through. But friendship and love involve risk, and sometimes, we need to see a compliment simply for what is: a compliment and sincere desire.

I've always considered myself strong, but all of this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open and "real" as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for the benefit of the black women here so that you have the opportunity to perhaps learn something new and understand that my physical and sexual attraction to black women is not without a deeper desire for love and commitment. There are others like me. But not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may still be offended (although I wouldn't understand why, after everything I've said). And some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond s*x. Well, we do. But if you're uncomfortable with my words, with my desire and appreciation of your physical beauty, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human, too. --Zeta @ dawnali.com

Why can't I find this? *sigh* Granted I don't really feel that I'm attractive right now (though this is usually never), but still. I guess in a way I have this with Ryan, but I don't know. I don't even want some epic love story. I'm not even asking for the whole "one true love" thing. I just want a relationship where I wasn't second pick; where I don't get annoyed by so much that he does; where we can spend time together and he doesn't get on my nerves. I used to be able to spend time with Ryan and enjoyed it so much, but now, I just can't. His whiny, child-like nature just irks me. I want to scream "Act like a fucking grown-up. You're 21." But I can't, and I won't.

It's probably going to take a kick in the ass to stop considering his feelings over mine. I know how his ex-girlfriend hurt him, I was the one who put him together, and because of that, I feel this strange loyalty to the relationship regardless of if I'm happy or not. I've been told to stop worrying about him and his feelings considering I'm unhappy, but for some reason I can't. I love him dearly as a friend. We've been through a lot together. We survived me going to England for a year when we had only been together for about 9 months. Granted during all that time, I was still second choice. It wasn't until Colleen broke up with him that I became first because I was the one who stuck with him in spite of it all. Thinking about it now, I don't know what I was thinking. I was "stupid in love" and put all of my expectations into it, now I wish I had let it go.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.

Realisations

I have determined that I am no longer in love with history thanks to GSU. Northumbria made me love it, especially when it came to women's history. Made me want to study it for a Ph.D. in it too, but GSU has taken all the love out of it. I still love my specialized areas like miscegenation and Plains Indians Wars and European dynasties. I have no clue how I reconcile those let alone go on to do something like graduate school. In fact I don't think I'm going to grad school anymore. I don't know what I want so why waste the money and resources? I'll just try and find a job in Atlanta and leave it at that.

Right now I just wish I was more focused on school. I have a feeling this semester will be my worst semester ever and what makes that knowledge worse is the fact that I didn't have to put myself through this. If GSU had given me the right track this would be my last semester. I guess I can just reconcile myself with the fact that it at least gave me a minor I love and I'm really good at. Unfortunately it's too late to switch majors or I would. Sociology is what I'm good at but I discovered that too late as with everything I love regarding school.

Now the question is where do I go from here?

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

I Get Off On You...

This post will probably totally be TMI, but I miss good sex. What I mean by this is sex that I want to have more of even right after we finish. Granted all the stories I've been reading probably doesn't exactly help, but everyone has to have great sex at some point in time right? I've never had great sex, good yes, great no. Then again, I've only had sex with two guys, one a virgin, so I can't exactly fault him on that. Even so, great sex would be so awesome right now.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Update

Man it's been over a month since I last updated. In that time, I gone on "vacation" up north: Minnesota and Illinois. I never want to see a corn field again after riding though Illinois. I like Minnesota though. Seems like a very awesome place. I am contemplating Indiana University - Bloomington for their dual masters program in Library Science and History. At the same time though, I wanna just do GSU's Heritage Preservation Program and then go to Minnesota for their Ph.D. program. The biggest thing I'm worried about is my grades. I haven't really made As in my history classes. Bs and B+s are my main focus, which makes me wonder am I going to be competative enough to get into a history program. I essentially have to do kick ass in my last 4 history class to make myself look good, but I don't know if that will help.

In other fun news, we're moving and once again, it's to someplace within walking distance to MARTA. Hopefully this will make things better for me because driving to MARTA four mornings a week is killing me and putting unneeded miles on my car. Now I've just got to get everything turned on and such. What fun.

It's Almost a Full Moon...

Things have been so crazy lately. Ryan's dad was putting up opposition to us moving. My mom was doing the same. It took practically begging, pleading and arguing with her to let me borrow the money. But now we wait. They have to check our credit and employment verification. I'm not worried about my credit so much as Ryan's. If his issues with being late show up, his credit won't get approved. We're already walking a fine line considering we barely make enough and my credit score is low. Hopefully he hasn't ruined his. Life just feels so crazy right now especially when it comes to money. Here's to hoping things go according to plan.