I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

Change of Plans

Seeing as I'm already $21500 in debt to the federal government, I'm starting to rethink going back to GSU to get my degree in sociology. While I'm only 6 classes away from having that degree, don't quite know what I'd do with it considering I'm wanting to go into museums/archives. So I'm thinking I could do the BUNAC program for Ireland starting in like January 2012, then go on to try the BUNAC program for Britain and then go for my Masters. I think it would be a better use of money and such considering I'd be just working for a year and a half. Plus I've wanted to go to Ireland for so long, and what better way other than studying abroad.

The Plan

I love discovering new things, so having discovered blogs written by black women expats has been awesome, especially since I'm looking to become one myself. I know I'm probably going to be reading as much of them as possible considering how I used to be as a kid (like being obsessed with sailing around the world - something which still would be awesome to do). I've been obsessed with travel since I was young and having lived outside of the country once, I can't wait to do it again. That and getting to travel to all those places I didn't see on my last trip over. I'm hoping things come together like I want them to, especially since I'm getting a plethora of info about various things like the fact that BUNAC has a 12-month work program in Ireland and a 6-month on for Britain. I mean, with the plan I currently have running in my head, the 6-month program would fit in beautifully. Granted a chance to live in Ireland for a year would definitely put the England thing on hold.

So tentatively my schedule is as follows:
Graduate from GPC by December 2011 (I'm thinking I could be done after Summer semester though)
Graduate from GSU (again) by December 2012 (once again, I might be able to get it done in Summer)
Do the 6-month BUNAC program (from January to June, maybe February to July)
Start the 24 month Museum Studies Program at Newcastle Uni in September 2013

I'm getting excited about the thought of this working out. Granted school here will put me in further debt more than likely.

Coming Together

So I think things might be coming together in my head for trying to move back to England. I've found a two-year program at Newcastle Uni that I want to do. It would be almost £22000 ($33000) for the program, but in that time, you not only complete the MA in Museum Studies, you also get like 46 weeks of work experience. The only downside is having to write a 12 to 15,000 word dissertation for the MA part.

To top it off, I found out that Newcastle leases rooms at Garth Heads, which is where I stayed before on my study abroad. I loved living Quayside, and think it would be totally awesome to live there again. It's £4300 for a 48 week lease, and Newcastle has guaranteed postgrad housing for the first year, so if I couldn't make it there, I could get somewhere else.

Now I've just gotta figure out how to save money. It would be awesome if my mom lived down here so I didn't have to pay rent, but alas, at least I'm only pay about $300 for it. Could be worse. It's my credit cards that I need to figure out how to get rid of.

School Thoughts After Actually Having Graduated

And since I neglected my other plans for the future in that post...

When I interviewed for the library job last week, and I mentioned I was going to GPC for their library science program, the director of circulation mentioned that I should just go after a master of library science considering it would take about the same amount of time and most of them are completely online. So I went ahead with all my processes for GPC. If my money comes through before school starts, I'll go ahead with that and go for the Master's a little later on. If it doesn't, I'm just going to try and get everything settled for trying to enroll at Valdosta for spring.

In even further ahead future plans, I want to go back to GSU to get my Sociology degree. When I graduated, I was 6 classes away from having that degree, so I figure I can go back and take 2 or 3 semesters to complete it, and then I'd have 3 degrees under my belt (either an Assoc. and 2 BAs, or 2 BAs and a Masters). Granted I like the sound of the second set more, but I needed to go to school now to postpone the loan payage considering I've been having trouble finding a job.

My biggest thing comes with the Master's I really want. I can either stay in Georgia (and go to Georgia State) or I can go back to England (going to Northumbria's rival Newcastle). I kinda feel that I'd have a better chance with the field that I want in England because they have so much history, especially up North, but that could just be me wanting to go back. What I do know, is that the British National Museum is huge and I would love to work there. But here in the US, we do have the Smithsonian, which from what I remember was pretty epic too. The other thing would be cost. It would definitely be more expensive for me to do the 1 year program at Newcastle, but it could possibly weight out to be the same as doing a two year program here.

My biggest thing is I want to be at a history museum. That's where my passion for museums lie. I doubt I'll ever go further with history straight up. I wanted to get a Ph.D., but GSU kinda ruined my love of history (ironically Northumbria showed me exactly what I wanted to do in History). So it's like choices choices.

To go or not to go...?

Well two months exactly since my last post. I was probably bitching about Ryan in that, but what's new?

In that two months, I've at least finished my undergrad degree in History (seems I might be graduating cum laude). I don't think being done with GSU has completely hit me yet, since I'm still working there through the end of the week. After that, maybe it will finally feel like a reality. And me being me, and not wanting to go to grad school immediately, and yet not have to start paying back my loans, I'm trying to go to another school to obtain an Associate's in Library Science. Nonetheless, I'm still planning on going to grad school. In a way, it's kind of a good thing I'm a little disgruntled over Arizona right now, because I found out that Newcastle University has a Museum Studies program. In fact, I found a lot more Museum Studies programs than I thought there were. New York seems to have the most, but there are school in the UK. Like 5 or 6 of them. And what I would pay for one year of going to one of those schools, I would pay for two years going to a school in the States. SO the question becomes what to do? I could try and go to school here. I could try for Newcastle. I could be a little more adventurous and try somewhere else in the UK, or I could go for the most out there one and try for the school in Australia.

I'm going to take the GRE for the American schools, just in case, but I know my heart is set on going outside the country. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back overseas ever since I came back. I'm envious of my friend Matt who's getting to come here for like a two week vacation (he's been gone from here for like a year), and my friend Nicole who's getting to move to England (she's getting married though). As much as I bitched and moaned at times while I was in England, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. And I know the major thing that kept me from completely enjoying my experience there, wouldn't be an issue this time.

Everything is tell me to go for it, but then my practical side kicks in, and I know the money will be the biggest issue. I had my mom helping me the first time. Now I would have to figure out my own way. I'm up for the task mind you, but at the same time it feels over-whelming. The thought of putting myself into infinitely more debt than I already have when I could stay in the US and probably have less. I'm gonna have to stop thinking about this, or I'll talk myself out of it. Right now, I just want to decide which places I want to look at. I've never been to Australia, and the uni there is in Sydney. At the same time, Newcastle is my other home. I love that city as much as I love Atlanta. At the same time though, I could branch out within the UK and see what other parts of the country have to offer.

I am a horrible decision maker.

Writing

I can't tell you why, but I'm hella inconsistent on writing on any type of journal or blog. Bad thing is I love writing. Or at least writing things I'm good at. BSing History papers at the last minute = a school well learned in high school. Trying to write an analytical English paper on a novel = You want what? I learned this well in attempting to take a Lit class this semester. I was okay with understanding what the professor was talking about until it came to my presentation. In that case, I wrote what I'm good at, while she wanted analysis. That was a bad combo. Unfortunately, I didn't really have the time to give her what she wanted, and so I had to drop the class because that presentation was 20% of the grade.

Luckily I still have 13 credit hours with the class being dropped, which actually means, in all 5 hellascious years I've been at this school, I've never gone part time. I still wonder how I pulled off 18 credit hours last Spring and managed to get on the Dean's List for it too. (As a side note, that's something else I find awesome. I've only not been on Dean's List twice, and I've made President's List before. Thank you summer semester.) But in a way this got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in grad school? Classes aren't so easily gotten rid of when you aren't doing so well in them because you're a lot more concentrated. This alone is going to force me to not be indecisive, something which I almost think it's impossible for me not to be. But honestly, I don't see myself getting a decent job in a historical field with just a B.A., so it seems force is what it will take.

I'm also trying to write short stories, but I'm so horrible at writing in detail. I can picture everything in my head vividly. It's just getting it onto the page that's the problem. I still want to try and do NaNoWriMo, but this shall be quite interesting when it comes down to it. 50,000 words in one month on a story about a callgirl and the business man who falls for her... well it's a little more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

Procrastination

So in a further effort to not do my work, I'm going to blog.

I've decided to go through with the whole graduate school thing. I don't honestly think I can live in Atlanta for longer than I need to. I'm going to apply to both Arizona State (here's to hoping they find the faculty positions they need) and Indiana University, Bloomington. I'm really more hoping for ASU because I think it would be more like the culture shock I got from going to Newcastle. I've never been out west, I hate the cold for the most part, and I just think it would utterly different for me. Plus it helps that my other hockey team is there. I think the Coyotes are the other big reason why I'd pick Phoenix over Bloomington. But in the mean time, I need to take the GRE, find three teachers to write recommendations for me, and write my statement of purpose. The statement will be the hardest thing, because even now, I'm still not completely sure what I want to do with my life. There are times I wish I just had the money to travel and never look back. Money will surely be the bane of my existence for years to come.

On another note, I'm still trying to write, though I doubt I'll let anyone see it. Writing is something I've been okay at since I was little, but I doubt it's up to par for anything. Like most things I can do, I'm okay at it, but not great at it. Oh well. I'll just get my random little stories out of my head as usual and be done with it. I'm not sure if I'm still gonna do NaNoWriMo. We'll see come October.

But now I really must do work. I'm such a slacker.

How to Not Do School Work

It's weird. I've been obsessed with reading and trying my hand at writing lately. Probably my brain's way of procrastinating to the max, but it's been interesting. I've discovered some new authors that I really like. I've also been writing pieces of a story that's in my head. I know the beginning, middle and end, but I haven't written them. Well I've kinda been writing the middle. Now I'm going back to write the beginning. As much as I want to write an HEA, in this case, as in so many of the stories my brain comes up with, my brain just won't do it. Maybe it's my underlying belief that "happily-ever-after" isn't real. Who knows? I wish it was, and I know it is for some people, but I don't see myself as one of those people.

In other news, I'm contemplating moving to Phoenix for grad school. It's probably like the total opposite of Minneapolis, but it has my other hockey team, and since hockey is determined to take over my life, I figure why not. Arizona State has a MA program in Museum Studies, which is pretty much exactly what I want. It'll be so weird if I go through with this, because that's pretty much moving clear across the country, to the desert at that.

Ramblings

We are now 8 days into the new year. My final semester starts in 4 days. I really don't wanna be up at 7:30 but I must, though technically I don't need Latin anymore. Tuesdays are gonna be long days for me. I've gotta be on campus for about 11 hours. 11 long hours. But at this point, I'm kinda like, it's whatever. I just want to do this semester, hopefully pass with As and Bs and be done with it all. My History and English classes will probably be the hardest for me. Latin frustrates me, but doesn't make me stress too much. I love film, although I'm not sure of the format this film class will take. And it seems that Sociology is something I'm good at, or at least comes to me rather well.

I also need to find a job. This is getting ridiculous. But I haven't cared about that in a while, which is bad. Next week I'm going to try and call my cousin and see if she knows of any internships that are open where she works. I guess I should reapply to Walmart and Kroger now that the holiday season is technically over. In fact, I will try and get all this done Monday. We'll see how well that plan works out.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.

Realisations

I have determined that I am no longer in love with history thanks to GSU. Northumbria made me love it, especially when it came to women's history. Made me want to study it for a Ph.D. in it too, but GSU has taken all the love out of it. I still love my specialized areas like miscegenation and Plains Indians Wars and European dynasties. I have no clue how I reconcile those let alone go on to do something like graduate school. In fact I don't think I'm going to grad school anymore. I don't know what I want so why waste the money and resources? I'll just try and find a job in Atlanta and leave it at that.

Right now I just wish I was more focused on school. I have a feeling this semester will be my worst semester ever and what makes that knowledge worse is the fact that I didn't have to put myself through this. If GSU had given me the right track this would be my last semester. I guess I can just reconcile myself with the fact that it at least gave me a minor I love and I'm really good at. Unfortunately it's too late to switch majors or I would. Sociology is what I'm good at but I discovered that too late as with everything I love regarding school.

Now the question is where do I go from here?

The Laziness

I have been extremely lazy the last two days. Well I should say ever since I finished my draft of my prospectus. So far I've cleaned a little, went on a walk, started reading a romance novel, and went to a hockey game. The Thrashers game was awesome, though they didn't pick up themselves up until the 3rd period. Then we went into overtime, where it stayed tied until the shoot out where our players Peverley and Kozlov scored our two goals while St. Louis Blues scored nothing. Although I must say, their goalie Ty Conklin kicked ass. Out of 40 shots on him, he only let in 2 goals. We still love Moose though.

Ally and I are watching a film that's partially based in Newcastle, and of course we're missing the place. I wish I could go back during Spring Break, but I doubt I'd have the money.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

*Sad Face*

So today I found out that the Northumbria program actually has a track for History students. This was of course something we weren't informed of, and I could have graduated this semester because on that track I didn't need a minor nor did I need the typical history classes. I hate GSU right now. I'm so glad I'm getting out of here in May. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do.

Right now the only thing I want to do is go back to Europe either Cadiz or Newcastle. I need to back where I felt free, and I don't feel that here. I've felt wrong and out of place ever since I got back. I need an out.

Cadiz



Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

Update

Man it's been over a month since I last updated. In that time, I gone on "vacation" up north: Minnesota and Illinois. I never want to see a corn field again after riding though Illinois. I like Minnesota though. Seems like a very awesome place. I am contemplating Indiana University - Bloomington for their dual masters program in Library Science and History. At the same time though, I wanna just do GSU's Heritage Preservation Program and then go to Minnesota for their Ph.D. program. The biggest thing I'm worried about is my grades. I haven't really made As in my history classes. Bs and B+s are my main focus, which makes me wonder am I going to be competative enough to get into a history program. I essentially have to do kick ass in my last 4 history class to make myself look good, but I don't know if that will help.

In other fun news, we're moving and once again, it's to someplace within walking distance to MARTA. Hopefully this will make things better for me because driving to MARTA four mornings a week is killing me and putting unneeded miles on my car. Now I've just got to get everything turned on and such. What fun.

Where do I go from here?

I think I'm starting to lose my drive for things. My indecisiveness regarding where to go for school and if I really want to go for history is making me think about just not going. Seems like a waste of effort. Then there's my whole job thing. I really want to get another, but it seems like little things, besides the economy, is preventing that. In a way, I'm really hoping I get HOPE, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which in turn means worrying about my job less. Like today, I gave away my shift because the girl who asked me has given up quite a few shifts for me, plus I have two tests tomorrow and a reading response to write. However, my need for money really wonders why I just did that because if I don't get a Saturday shift, or switch shifts with her on Sunday, I've essentially lost 4 hours of work, or $33. And though school is important, and I really want to make As in those classes, I can't completely justify it. I just feel stuck, and the longer I stay where I'm at, the more I sink and the harder it is to care.