*Sigh*

I'm starting to think I should just give up on the whole weightloss thing right now. Mentally I care that I'm way over what I should be, and I do want to get back down to a smaller size again, even just a 14 would be nice, but I hate working out, and there has yet to be anything to make me enjoy it. I prefer having someone to go with me, and Ryan said he would, but that has only happened like once. Otherwise he just plays his video games. I've been hovering in this same 3 to 4 pound area since the beginning of the month. I guess I should be glad I'm no longer gaining. I had gained 30 lbs. since January when I thought I was on a path of trying to lose. I really think the biggest problem is where we live. I have to drive most everywhere, when for the past two years, I had to walk most everywhere. I hate having to drive and want to move to another complex that is in better walking distance of stores and such. Once again, gotta get Ryan to actually come see the apartments with me, considering it's where he would be living after I go to grad school. It makes me sad that I've gained all this (part of which I blame on my job and having late hours there, part on just me in general). Another part of me is sad that I can't bring myself to exercise without someone else because I hate exercising so much. Even if Ryan would go on walks with me, it'd be helpful, but I can't even get him to hang out with me most of the time, let alone exercise with me.

Tatted up

God I want my tattoos so bad. Too bad I don't have the money right now, and can't really save up either. But when I get it/them they shall be awesome. I think I found the shop I wanna see if I can get it done at. If not I might see if they can work on my back. I want to add "Corrupt my hope/In joyous hell" above and below the dragons. *sigh* Adding to my back shall be interesting. I don't really know what could be added to them, but then again that's what artists are for.

Weekends...

5 days since my last update in which time I've probably driven a little over 500 miles, been to Dalton (aka Hell) twice, been to a graduation, gotten weird amounts of sleep, and gotten a kitten (who is being named after the mother of all demons Lilith). I hate work, which is nothing new. Being bitched at two days in a row by managers just annoys me and makes me want to leave OG more. Debbie has no clue what the hell she's doing half the time, and Sarah becomes very condescending when she has to be a manager. Hopefully the end of this job and start of another will come soon.

Blah...

So yesterday I had to go to my cousin's graduation. Funny, I didn't get a party or anything when I graduated. In fact, I don't remember that many family members showing up. And of course my mother thought it would be fun to talk about the fact that my cousin got a 100,000 scholarship o the school he went to. She really doesn't get why I didn't get scholarships to go to the second biggest public university in Georgia. Luckily tuition has been covered for the last 4 years. I've just gotta figure out what to do about this upcoming year. HOPE runs out after this summer. Fun times.

Now is not the time...

So I got the essentials replaced today. Luckily I got to keep my number. That would have been a pain in the ass to change it. 

Boys, however, are seriously getting on my fucking nerves. First the Turkish guy keeps bugging me about pics of me. If I haven't given you some in like 3 weeks, why the fuck do you keep asking? To say the least, he's quite annoying. Then there's Ryan. He apparently doesn't like someone disagreeing with him considering he stuck his finger in my face and then said shut it. It's the second time in two days he's raised his voice at me, and the next time will not be pretty. It's not my fault he doesn't consider Asian Indians to be Asian. Guess what? It's within the continent of Asia, therefore, the people born there are Asian. 

To top things off, I've gotta go to Dalton tomorrow for my cousin's graduation. The cousin I dislike the most because of all the bullshit he's pulled and my mother's favoritism towards him.

Really?

So my niceness got my phone stolen today. I understand that we're having harsh economic times, but really? You act like you're calling somebody for a ride and then run with my phone? Pussy ass bitch. I'd be more okay with it if it didn't have my dad's bank account number and possibly Ryan's social security number. Let's hope the dumb asses don't figure out what they are. I guess I should just be glad he didn't steal my wallet. Then I would have been in deeper shit.

Blahness

I feel a little better having exercised now. I almost wish I just didn't have to eat. I mean I've gone 48 hours without eating before but that was because I was under emotional stress. I feel so whiny. People say get up and do it, but I guess it's because I didn't have to try the first time around that makes this so difficult. I was forced to exercise to get where I needed to go. Now I have a car that can take me to the grocery store 1.5 miles away or drive me to the train station. That's why I wish we didn't live here. I want to be back near downtown, or nearer the Marta station so I can just walk. Problem is he doesn't want to move. He'd rather just not think about it. 

I need to lose between 6 and 8 pounds by 6 June. Let's hope I can kick my ass into gear.

Random Thoughts

Drinking wine is so weird. I really don't like the taste of alcohol. I'm so weird. I kinda wish I did like it, so I would fit in more, but then again I kinda like being able to still be coherent when other people are drunk off their asses.

In other news, Josh did say that he'd go with me. Yay. Makes the idea of finding an apartment or something a lot less daunting than before. Who knows, maybe he'll end up going to school there too.

I feel so lost right now. I don't feel like I belong here. I've gained 90 pounds in 10 months. I miss the size I used to be. Trying to get back down to it has become daunting considering I didn't try to lose weight in the first place. I miss England and Spain. I miss school not weighing on me as much and being able to rome around outside at 4 am with no one to bother me. I miss not having to drive to get places because walking and public transit worked just fine. I wish I could go back to then and tell my current self what not to do. Maybe then I'd be okay.

The Future

Basically, I can't wait to get out of Georgia and move on with my life. I feel like I'm at a stalemate here. I really don't know what's going to happen with Ryan and me. Five years (at the least) is a long time to be seperated from a person, and considering how things were before, it will be interesting to see if we make it. 

I'm banking on Minnesota. I have no clue how I'm gonna do it by myself, but it's where I want to go. Granted I'm still kinda hoping Josh will want to come with. I miss being around his craziness, plus I know he is absolutely the one person I can depend on even when we're far apart. Our friendship has survived years and crazy relationships and major distance and not talking. I don't think anything could ruin it, and for that I'm grateful. 

Apartments in downtown Minneapolis aren't cheap, and they seem so much small than what I'm used to now. We're currently living in an almost 900 sq.ft. apartment, 20 miles from downtown Atlanta, paying $740 a month for rent and water. Looking there, I'm doing good to get 600 or 700 sq.ft. for that, granted they typically have heat, water, gas, and trash pickup included. 

I've still gotta get a truck though. That far north, a car won't do me much good. Plus I'd rather have a truck to transport stuff. Carrying things in my Camry has made me realise that. Hopefully my dad can find me something. I can't wait.