Where do I go from here?

I think I'm starting to lose my drive for things. My indecisiveness regarding where to go for school and if I really want to go for history is making me think about just not going. Seems like a waste of effort. Then there's my whole job thing. I really want to get another, but it seems like little things, besides the economy, is preventing that. In a way, I'm really hoping I get HOPE, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which in turn means worrying about my job less. Like today, I gave away my shift because the girl who asked me has given up quite a few shifts for me, plus I have two tests tomorrow and a reading response to write. However, my need for money really wonders why I just did that because if I don't get a Saturday shift, or switch shifts with her on Sunday, I've essentially lost 4 hours of work, or $33. And though school is important, and I really want to make As in those classes, I can't completely justify it. I just feel stuck, and the longer I stay where I'm at, the more I sink and the harder it is to care.

Some people...

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. Ryan's dad gave him money to pay off his $1300 credit card debt. Gave him $500 from the get-go. Ryan spent $100 of it going out and such. As far as I know, he still hasn't pay Citi though they call every day because he's over his credit line. He got paid Friday. $230 or so dollars to be exact. He owes DirecTV $204, and they're going to cut off service Thursday if he doesn't pay. Guess what he still hasn't paid. We also lost our renter's insurance because he "forgot" to pay, but he got pissy when I went ahead and got it back by paying for it myself. He claims he was going to get it reinstated Friday, yet somehow I don't believe/trust him. He now owes me $520 and if I don't start seeing some of my money real soon, I'm going to start tacking on interest. His computer has been accruing it since May, which is the bulk of what he owes me. Hmm, that's $5.50 a month for every month he doesn't pay. After this month, I'll be tacking on another $11 to what he owes me.

I thought I sucked at keeping my finances in check. The shit he's pulling is some bull and if things are this bad now, I can only imagine them if we were to get a house with a mortgage. Hell I'm not even sure I want to have another apartment with him. Unfortunately it's either him or going back to Dalton.

Stupid body...

I don't get what's wrong with me. I try to workout and eat within my calorie allotment, and I still gain weight. I'm up to 236 now. Almost 100 lbs. in a little over a year. But it's like no matter what I do, it doesn't work. And I know that weight isn't muscle because my scale measures body fat percentage. I am so close to just starving myself so I'll stop gaining.

EDIT: Now that my little pity party is over, I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how to eat even less than I do now. I used to be able to get away with eating once a day and be done with it. I must get back to that. I mean I've tried the whole eat small portions, and eat low fat, and all that bullshit and it's obviously not working. I guess during fall semester, I'll have to start getting off at King Memorial Station and walking from there in the mornings. Damn, that means I've gotta switch bags again. But it's about a mile so it'll be plenty of exercise for that time.

So Not in the Mood...

So this morning, Ryan said his parents wanted us to come to dinner around 8. First I'm hearing of this, but it solidified my decision not to take a coworker's shift (other than Denart had majorly annoyed me). However, he neglected to tell me we weren't going until like 3:30. So when I brought up the fact that we were supposed to go to the pub, he suddenly remembered that I had asked him to go Wednesday, but things being what they are, I didn't feel like going anymore. So, later on I suggested us going to Vortex, but by the time he wanted to leave, I didn't feel like it anymore. So he gets all huffy and mad and tells me not to ask him to go anywhere else. Besides the fact, I don't know what is with him when he's here and his friends are around, but he can be such a dick. But he doesn't get why I don't want to go anywhere with him right now.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

I'm really hoping I can start to reinvent myself little by little. It would really help if I were less indecisive. However, I guess it's the little things that count until I can get to the big stuff, and the first thing on that list is learning to be happy with myself. I think I need to come to accept I may never get back down to a size 12. My current life circumstances don't quite permit it, but I'm still going to try to change in little ways, even if it's just cutting back on certain things I love.

My second thing is accepting that I am not happy where I'm at, especially when it comes to work. It's a job that never really seems to have any rewards, even for just personal merit. The managers there don't care as much about their staff as they need to. Just like, they didn't tell me they didn't like my work ethic in the beginning. I was never spoken to, but it started to show itself in little ways. And various job opportunities keep present themselves to me, though sometimes I am late in getting the message. I hope that the next job I try and get will become mine, but if it doesn't there will be others. I need to get away from Olive Garden, because I know, when you dread going into work, you're not where you're supposed to be.

Third thing is my living situation. Living in Lithonia is not working for me. I am more sedentary out here than I have been in since high school, and that is something else that reflects itself in my weight. I was not meant to be a rural/suburban girl. I love living in a city where there's life and awesome people. That's why I loved the major cities of Europe that I went to. Even the one's that weren't on a large scale like Cadiz made me love them because of the spirit of them. I would love to move back to the area I was in in Buckhead, though from what I've heard it's gotten worse. Living in those apartments and walking up that hill, second best place I lived as far as getting around. Newcastle will always be the ultimate. I couldn't even think about a car, so I walked everywhere I had to, or took public transportation. The mind set I'm in here isn't working and something's gotta give, and I'll be damned if it's me.

Fourth is becoming organized. I have so many things I could possibly want to do after I graduate, and the worst part is, I can't decide. I hate being indecisive, but I can't seem to not be. Before May rolls around, I need to have at least my next year decided. But it seems like new ideas are always presenting themselves to me, like going to a grad school here, or pick up a second bachelor's degree, or going to school overseas. I want to do all, and even though I know I can't, I can't decide. Sometimes I think it's a matter of how selfish I want to become, and really considering some of my financial issues right now, I'm thinking I need to become more selfish anyway. I can't help feeling though that I'm meant to help others, but I know, that's how things have always been.

And although I'm not religious, this quote speaks volumes to me:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

I need all of those right now because I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to get there, but I know I need to leave this life behind.

Whew!

I hate it when a plan falls apart, but love working on trying to figure out a new one. So the plan to take Ryan's Ford fell apart because his defiance of his dad basically didn't work like he thought it was going to. Luckily I was with Pavi today, and we think we've created a suitable new plan. We're going to drive my car up, and rent a car. I will drive up over night with Pavi and probably Ally, while Ced, CJ, and Ryan will drive up the next day. That way one leaseholder is there on the 7th to pick up the keys like was needed too. Pavi and Ced will still have someone to help them with stuff, while Ryan, Ally, and I move on to Minnesota for the weekend. Here's to hoping this plan works. My head is starting to hurt from plans falling through.

"That is not it at all. That is not what I meant at all."

Today is one of those days that I know I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, and part of my brain is screaming for me to get over it. After ranting about Ryan and eating something I shouldn't have, I've realised, probably yet again, this isn't where I want to be. I'm in a relationship that I feel is going nowhere, and I know that the love he's showing towards me, I'm no longer reciprocating. I hate how I look, and rarely even feel pretty anymore, even when I dress up. I hate being fat, but for some reason, don't really have the willpower to do something about it. Sometimes I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to be, but then I think about the fact that I got down to a size 12 in the first place. I want to have a peaceful night's sleep, or even a decent night's sleep. I feel so lost right now, and as much as I'd love to blame it on PMS, I know I can't. My life isn't where I want it to be, but I have no clue how to change it. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. It's not even that I want to die, just not exist. I almost wish I could just pack up and leave and start over somewhere else where I could make myself into whoever I wanted to be. I just want out.

This is why you can't help some people...

I am a generous person with my money at times and if a friend tells me they don't have the money to cover something, if I can afford it, I will try to help. However, Ryan is working my last nerve. First off, there was helping him get his new computer, to the tune of $410. He's paid me back $80 of that, and doesn't know when he's going to pay me the rest. He owes me $80 for our hotel room, bring what he owes me back up to $410. This morning, he couldn't pay all of his portion of our cell phone bill, leaving me to pick up the slack since today was the due date (he thought he could just wait to pay that last $10 he owed). Then tonight, we went to Quik Trip. He neglected to tell me he didn't bring his wallet, and so, as we're at the counter, I'm waiting for him to pay and he then tells me that he didn't bring it, meaning I'm covering his tab. If he had told me he didn't bring it before then, that would have been one thing, but just expecting me to pay for it because I asked you to come with me, that's a whole other can of worms.

I know I'm not the most financially responsible person, and for someone who's almost 22, I have quite a bit of debt if you count student loans, but this is crazy. He's barely making rent ($370) and paying bills late for reasons I don't understand considering he makes about $1000 a month. He stresses about paying his credit card bills (which for the hell of it let's say he puts $100 on each of them). And his other bills are DirecTV, our cell phone, and half of Georgia Power (about $80, $80, and $40 respectively). Now that equals $770, leaving him $230 for food and gas, and considering he doesn't buy groceries, his parents give him food, plus they pay him to mow their yard, and I will buy him food, where the fuck is his money going? And not only that, why the fuck would you stay with a bank that makes sure they send you into overdraft every chance they get considering it's $35 per charge you go over? Am I missing something here?

He likes to say, "You have your mom helping you pay rent" and "I don't have a second credit card like you" which is true. My mom is helping me pay my rent because I have a part time job that I'm lucky if I make $100 a week off of, but I still have to pay bills with that measly amount and eat and put gas in my car. I have a second credit card that my school books and food and such go on. They've still gotta be paid back at some point in time. But he's going to get bitchy with me, and still bring up the fact that I didn't help him pay for his Xbox, but yet turned around and helped him get a new computer to the tune of 4Xs more than I was going to help him with the Xbox. No one told him to buy that damn game system. I helped him with his computer because he needed it with him about to go back to school, and him claiming he was going to pay me back quickly. That was two months ago.

Right now I'm owed a little over $700 between him and my dad, with his portion accruing interest the longer it's on my credit card. I am so close to flipping my shit on him when it comes to money. Now I really understand why my mom made sure she had as few things as possible with my dad, because if he is anything like this, she would have been crazy to.