Progress?

So strangeness of strangeness, Ryan's mom called me this morning. She wanted to inform me that she doesn't dislike me although there had been some issues in the beginning. She said that she likes me as a person, and since I make him happy, that's all that matters to her, though she did acknowledge that Colleen would have been their choice for Ryan since he's their only son. How many parents are going to condone their college aged son dating a high schooler who is 4 years younger than him? But she said that at one point Ryan told her that I make him feel good, and that was good enough for her. Her line about never trying to hurt me was interesting though. And she also said she didn't know how Ryan's dad felt about things, but that he would never try to hurt me either. Interesting choice of words I must say. But I guess this is some type of progress. They'd still probably freak at us being engaged, although at this point I don't know why it'd surprise them.

Oh the things I listen to at 10 in the morning.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Sex Sells...

The following post will in no way be nice, or censored. There probably will be TMI. You've been warned.

I guess I can say I've been really intrigued by sex since I was about 11, though I've known about it since I was much younger and would half-sleep walk to the kitchen with the sounds of porn following me. But year 11/12 was a turning point. I actually sat down and watched porn on my own. Fun stuff that was, especially making sure I didn't get caught by my dad. Porn is the way I learned of masturbation and blow jobs (other than that one scene in Waiting to Exhale) and other than my friends, it was my second biggest source of info. My biggest? Romance novels. They kicked in around age 11 also. I was obsessed with them. By the time I sold the majority of my book collection in 2007, I had probably amassed and/or read over 300 romance novels in 9 or so years. Probably not that staggering of a number if you break it down, but considering it's not the only thing I read, I find that crazy.

But for most of that time, I felt that I was doomed never to have sex. I'm not attractive, and typically fall in the "friend" category with guys, which though it depressed me, I learned to deal with. Then at 19, I lost my virginity. To a one night stand no less. I still don't know why I did that. He was kind of a creepy guy in both looks and attitude. But whatever, I've only spoken to him like once since. Then I met Ryan, and we've been together for the past three years. I've said this before, and I'll say this again, I miss good sex. We used to have fun with it and could enjoy each other for a long time, but now it's hard just getting him to make out with me, let alone have sex. And even when we do, it's usually a 20 min thing and done. 20 mins being at the high side when foreplay is actually involved.

But since the decline in my sex life, I've taken to reading erotica, with my favourite site being Literotica. It is a really cool site that probably has something for everyone. Typically though, the only stores I read on there are black woman/white man, which probably isn't the best obsession considering my boyfriend isn't white. Nonetheless I've always had a thing for white guys, so this is right up my alley. The stores on there just sound like so much fun. Kinky sex in public bathrooms and at clubs and other such escapades. It makes me wish I wasn't in a relationship, so I could go experience it. Not saying I'd be a whore, though if I were a guy, I so would be. A bisexual manwhore.

But this semester has brought up something to me. I'm very intrigued by non-conventional sex. I guess I've kinda always known this, but writing a paper on sadomasochism just pointed it out more. Then I decided for NaNoWriMo next year, I want to write about a romance between a African-American call girl and a white businessman. Yep. That'd probably cause some issues for the people reading it, but that's another post I plan on doing. Over the weekend, I found more sex blogs to read, considering there are a large about of women out there blogging about their sex lives. Today while at the library, I decided to find books on prostitution (GSU has an interesting section on it, right after stuff on BDSM). I'm sure the guy who checked out my books probably thought I was weird, but I am just so fascinated with women who do sex work because they want to. Come to think of it, if I had the body for it, I would probably be a stripper. Maybe a call girl.

I know I'm weird.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.