Keep on trying...

I was surprised. Yesterday I was on a writing kick. I'm actually surprised I've made it this far on it considering I usually just give up on the stories I write. But I guess since I changed where I was going with it, I gave myself some new interest. And I've noticed, I can't do sappy love stories. In pretty much every story I've conceptualized, the guy and the girl were together in some capacity, something happened to break them up and they get back together for a time, maybe permanently, but if I can find a way to make it not happily ever after, I'll do it. I don't know what that says about me. I know I'm a realist, but it seems I'm a cynic too. I'm not surprised though. My HEA didn't work out right, and I think I knew it wouldn't all along. I mean, Ryan was with another girl when we got together, so I would guess that should have been clue number 1.

I think I've lost count of the number of jobs I've applied for. What sucks more is only one interview has come out of all of those. And I can't figure out what it is. I know I have a big year gap between my two longest jobs, but that's because of my study abroad. All this is documented on my resume. It's crazy. But I'm still trying. I'm going tomorrow to try two more places. After that luckily I get to take care of something that will make me quite happy: a season Thrasher ticket. Though this is coming from my mom in the form of the insurance money from my dad's death, I guess she just wants to do something that'll make me happy.

The Things We Wish For

My mind is all types of jumbled. This last week has been hellish, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I just keep thinking about the last time I talked to my dad. We were supposed to go up for Memorial Day, but Ryan had food poisoning. Part of me blames Ryan right now because I don't think he was as sick as he was acting, especially considering he was fine to get up and play video games. Then again, I didn't expect that to be the last time I would be talking to my dad. And another part of me remembers how disappointed my dad sounded when he told me to tell Ryan that he hoped he felt better. I almost wonder if he felt that would be the last time he spoke. I feel even worse because I was supposed to have called him to tell him why my cousin's ex-boyfriend wasn't coming up.

And one would think a funeral would make my mom be a little less bitchy, but no. I was treated like a 5-year old imbecile by not only her, but also by my brother-in-law. Being logical was my way of dealing with what happened, but still. What's worse, because my mom thought I stormed out during the funeral arrangements, she didn't put a picture of me and my dad in the funeral program after there was one picture I specifically asked her to put in. My sister didn't even seem to object to that and in fact two pictures of her with my parents ended up in the program along with individual pictures of her kids. Considering most people are never completely sure whose child I am, it's the least they could have done.

But I guess at this point, it's whatever. I can't go back and change it. Right now, I'm just trying to get along with my mother. I know she loves me in her own weird way, but I don't see how tearing someone down all the time is showing love.