I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

New Years Resolutions

I have two general resolutions for this upcoming year: improve myself and improve my finances.

I want to improve myself in the following ways:
1. Yesterday when I weighted in I was at 233. I want to try and make it to 150 by this day next year. That's 83 lbs. or about 7 lbs. a month. Written down that doesn't seem that bad, but I know that I get lazy and don't want to exercise, and I know that despite what I eat (though I'm going to try and cut down on my eating out anyway), I've got to exercise to make sure I get the amount of weight I want to get off.

The problem is work. Most of the time, I work late, get in some time just being chill, and then sleep until I have to go to work again. I would probably have to get my exercise in before work, which could potentially make me more tired than I usually am before work, but we'll see.

2. I would like to try and blog more consistantly. I'm always telling myself that I'm going to blog more, but in the end I don't. I don't really think that I have something interesting to say. Blogs are more just for me to get out my emotions without talking to other people, hence the reason for all the bitching about the boy. Which leads me to...

3. When it comes to him, I'm going to try and stop asking. I ask him to do something, and most of the time, he forgets, so after 4 years, I just know, if I want something done, I need to do it myself. I do truly hate nagging, but he seems to bring it out of me, so no more.

4. This one is kinda weird, but I'm going to try and become a little more "lady-like." As it stands, the only time I really wear make-up is for Thrashers games, so I want to try and wear it a little more. I go for dressing comfortably over dressing cute, so that's part two. Lastly, I want to try and stop cussing as much. I can do it in family and work situations, but around friends or at Thrashers games, I just let go, so gotta try and cut back.

As far as my finances, my biggest thing is cutting back on unnecessary spending. Just looking at how I spend money these last few months has been eye opening. I spend money on so much stuff I don't need. So I'm going to reset my budgets and try and stay within them as much as possible. This is definitely going to be helpful considering I need to start saving as much money as possible starting in September. So being mindful of what I'm spending where is going to be my biggest financial goal.

I know trying to do 5 changes is going to be a lot of work, but I think if I really really try, I can get it done.

Change of Plans

Seeing as I'm already $21500 in debt to the federal government, I'm starting to rethink going back to GSU to get my degree in sociology. While I'm only 6 classes away from having that degree, don't quite know what I'd do with it considering I'm wanting to go into museums/archives. So I'm thinking I could do the BUNAC program for Ireland starting in like January 2012, then go on to try the BUNAC program for Britain and then go for my Masters. I think it would be a better use of money and such considering I'd be just working for a year and a half. Plus I've wanted to go to Ireland for so long, and what better way other than studying abroad.

The Plan

I love discovering new things, so having discovered blogs written by black women expats has been awesome, especially since I'm looking to become one myself. I know I'm probably going to be reading as much of them as possible considering how I used to be as a kid (like being obsessed with sailing around the world - something which still would be awesome to do). I've been obsessed with travel since I was young and having lived outside of the country once, I can't wait to do it again. That and getting to travel to all those places I didn't see on my last trip over. I'm hoping things come together like I want them to, especially since I'm getting a plethora of info about various things like the fact that BUNAC has a 12-month work program in Ireland and a 6-month on for Britain. I mean, with the plan I currently have running in my head, the 6-month program would fit in beautifully. Granted a chance to live in Ireland for a year would definitely put the England thing on hold.

So tentatively my schedule is as follows:
Graduate from GPC by December 2011 (I'm thinking I could be done after Summer semester though)
Graduate from GSU (again) by December 2012 (once again, I might be able to get it done in Summer)
Do the 6-month BUNAC program (from January to June, maybe February to July)
Start the 24 month Museum Studies Program at Newcastle Uni in September 2013

I'm getting excited about the thought of this working out. Granted school here will put me in further debt more than likely.

The Plan...

Gods. I so miss Newcastle (England in general). I haven't been there in a little over two years, still think about it almost every day. Matt and Jenny came over last week. He's gotten so skinny. They're making me miss the North more. If the plan I'm cooking up works, I want to do like a week in Northumbria and two weeks in Scotland. I only got to go to Edinburgh originally, so there's so much more of that country I need to see.

I'm going to try and go for saving up $40 a week, $50 when I can spare it. If I move back in with my mum, this plan might get a little further. However, having the full time job in Atlanta would definitely be more awesome. Every time I think of moving back to Dalton, I feel a little miserable. Away from all my friends whom I love and don't spend nearly enough time with. At least I'd have Juli in Dalton.

Musings

So I finally have a new job. I've been here a little over a week. It's pretty simple, just sitting at the desk, answering phone calls and helping people who come in. For 7.50 an hour and the ability to do homework, it's not bad. Not bad at all.

I've decided to catch up on the Vampire Diaries. I've seen a couple of episodes in the past month, and it seems like it has a backbone to it. Nothing like the travesty that is Twilight. I don't even really know why I'm contemplating going to see New Moon other than Taylor Lautner is hot, and I have this weird thing of finishing series that I start, whether movie or book. It was the only reason I bought X-Men: The Last Stand. I had the other two movies, so I had to buy the 3rd. I'm just hoping New Moon displays the wolf pack some more.

I'm finding werewolves more and more intriguing these days. Maybe because of the obsession I was having with RoLo for a little while. Then again, before that I had been reading a story about a druid and a werewolf. But even before that, I was reading The Southern Vampire Mysteries (aka the books True Blood is based on), and they had lots of were-creatures in it..Werewolves are hot, hot creatures. Too bad they're not real. I think I shall buy Shelly Laurenston's pack series soon. Granted, from what I've read, most aren't wolves, weres are just awesome in any form.

Now back to watching the Vampire Diaries. Stupid Megavideo and it's time limits.

Ramblings

We are now 8 days into the new year. My final semester starts in 4 days. I really don't wanna be up at 7:30 but I must, though technically I don't need Latin anymore. Tuesdays are gonna be long days for me. I've gotta be on campus for about 11 hours. 11 long hours. But at this point, I'm kinda like, it's whatever. I just want to do this semester, hopefully pass with As and Bs and be done with it all. My History and English classes will probably be the hardest for me. Latin frustrates me, but doesn't make me stress too much. I love film, although I'm not sure of the format this film class will take. And it seems that Sociology is something I'm good at, or at least comes to me rather well.

I also need to find a job. This is getting ridiculous. But I haven't cared about that in a while, which is bad. Next week I'm going to try and call my cousin and see if she knows of any internships that are open where she works. I guess I should reapply to Walmart and Kroger now that the holiday season is technically over. In fact, I will try and get all this done Monday. We'll see how well that plan works out.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.

Where do I go from here?

I think I'm starting to lose my drive for things. My indecisiveness regarding where to go for school and if I really want to go for history is making me think about just not going. Seems like a waste of effort. Then there's my whole job thing. I really want to get another, but it seems like little things, besides the economy, is preventing that. In a way, I'm really hoping I get HOPE, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which in turn means worrying about my job less. Like today, I gave away my shift because the girl who asked me has given up quite a few shifts for me, plus I have two tests tomorrow and a reading response to write. However, my need for money really wonders why I just did that because if I don't get a Saturday shift, or switch shifts with her on Sunday, I've essentially lost 4 hours of work, or $33. And though school is important, and I really want to make As in those classes, I can't completely justify it. I just feel stuck, and the longer I stay where I'm at, the more I sink and the harder it is to care.

Stream of Consciousness

So yesterday was interesting. After Ryan got off work, we went over to his parents' house to help set up a gazebo. I didn't even join in until later, but damn if that wasn't tiring. Poor Ryan having to do the majority of it by himself. But after it was finished, his parents took us out to dinner. Go figure.

And it took two weeks, but we finally did the do again. It's so weird. It's like we're suffering lesbian bed death, and we've only been together 2.5 years (I have no clue what that's called for a straight couple). We've gotten way too comfortable with things I guess. Sex is never really different. Who knows? But I did feel a little better about things after last night and this morning. I'm not quite in the "I don't love you anymore" stage. I think I'm hovering somewhere near it though, but closer on the side of "I still love you." It's so hard to put a name to that feeling.

I don't think I like Miranda anymore though. I still like joking around with her, but the feeling of actually liking her is gone, probably because I don't see her as much now.

At work, we're up to 17 hosts. 17. WTF? We have enough host to run a server shift at OG. This is so crazy. Even one of the servers I was talking to thought that was crazy. But I think the new guy is leaving at the end of the summer, thank the gods. Denart is supposed to be leaving soon too, but I don't really know. They might as well make Dana a full on server. Then again, if I could find a job with either better pay or steadier hours, I'd probably go for it at this point. I'll only have been at OG for a year come the beginning of August. I think it's hard for me to stay at a job for a long time, my longest being 1.5 years.

It's so weird to think that it's been almost two years since I left for England. Two years since things started changing so much for me. God I miss it there. I miss walking everywhere and the way the school was ran, and having crazy roommates. I miss Smoothies and their awesome Mexican style burrito. I miss the Subway by the church. I miss Primark and their lovely clothes and prices. I miss the Metro and ASDA and Tesco. I miss being able to see the Tyne River and the "Slug" out my window. I just plain miss it. I think I'm going to start a blog and post a picture a day from when I was overseas.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.

Work

So I asked today about why old people were getting less days than new people. Debbie gave me this talk of our GSS scores and such leading to that. In essence, seniority means nothing here. She also used me as an eample saying that I used to be more interesting in chatting and leaving than doing my job, but now I'm working hard. Go figure not giving a damn about your job can make you more efficient.

Kienon had some of his money disappear today. Michelle and I have the suspicion that it was the new busser. Who knows?

Lalalala

So I have upgraded to a swankier new layout. I love purple way too much. Still have no clue where this love came from. It seems to have started freshman year of university. (Calling school university is something I just haven't been able to get out of my system from England. Also asking people what are they're on about. *Sigh* I miss England). I want to go back so bad. I'm jealous of Nicole. She's going back this summer to see her boyfriend. They are so cute together. ...That was totally off topic. 

Anyway, tomorrow Pavi and I are supposed to be going walking, I think around Stone Mountain. This shall be fun considering it's a 5 mile walk. Oh boy. 

I must say, I work with some very interesting people. We get into some interesting conversations, like today's topic was porn and what we like/dislike in guys and girls. Carter is an awesome dude. Miranda, I still haven't figured her out. She gives off this bi vibe, but says she likes penis... a lot. Who knows. 

Anyway, that's my rambling of the night.

Job Hunting

So I applied to Kroger and Rainbow today. Hopefully something will come up considering OG is getting on my last damn nerve. One day when everyone else has like 3 or more? What the fuck? It's such bullshit from the management. I'm hoping for Kroger especially since it's just right up the road from me, and then there's one up the road from the apartment complex I wanna look at. So here's to hoping.

*Sigh*

I'm starting to think I should just give up on the whole weightloss thing right now. Mentally I care that I'm way over what I should be, and I do want to get back down to a smaller size again, even just a 14 would be nice, but I hate working out, and there has yet to be anything to make me enjoy it. I prefer having someone to go with me, and Ryan said he would, but that has only happened like once. Otherwise he just plays his video games. I've been hovering in this same 3 to 4 pound area since the beginning of the month. I guess I should be glad I'm no longer gaining. I had gained 30 lbs. since January when I thought I was on a path of trying to lose. I really think the biggest problem is where we live. I have to drive most everywhere, when for the past two years, I had to walk most everywhere. I hate having to drive and want to move to another complex that is in better walking distance of stores and such. Once again, gotta get Ryan to actually come see the apartments with me, considering it's where he would be living after I go to grad school. It makes me sad that I've gained all this (part of which I blame on my job and having late hours there, part on just me in general). Another part of me is sad that I can't bring myself to exercise without someone else because I hate exercising so much. Even if Ryan would go on walks with me, it'd be helpful, but I can't even get him to hang out with me most of the time, let alone exercise with me.

Weekends...

5 days since my last update in which time I've probably driven a little over 500 miles, been to Dalton (aka Hell) twice, been to a graduation, gotten weird amounts of sleep, and gotten a kitten (who is being named after the mother of all demons Lilith). I hate work, which is nothing new. Being bitched at two days in a row by managers just annoys me and makes me want to leave OG more. Debbie has no clue what the hell she's doing half the time, and Sarah becomes very condescending when she has to be a manager. Hopefully the end of this job and start of another will come soon.