Keep on trying...

I was surprised. Yesterday I was on a writing kick. I'm actually surprised I've made it this far on it considering I usually just give up on the stories I write. But I guess since I changed where I was going with it, I gave myself some new interest. And I've noticed, I can't do sappy love stories. In pretty much every story I've conceptualized, the guy and the girl were together in some capacity, something happened to break them up and they get back together for a time, maybe permanently, but if I can find a way to make it not happily ever after, I'll do it. I don't know what that says about me. I know I'm a realist, but it seems I'm a cynic too. I'm not surprised though. My HEA didn't work out right, and I think I knew it wouldn't all along. I mean, Ryan was with another girl when we got together, so I would guess that should have been clue number 1.

I think I've lost count of the number of jobs I've applied for. What sucks more is only one interview has come out of all of those. And I can't figure out what it is. I know I have a big year gap between my two longest jobs, but that's because of my study abroad. All this is documented on my resume. It's crazy. But I'm still trying. I'm going tomorrow to try two more places. After that luckily I get to take care of something that will make me quite happy: a season Thrasher ticket. Though this is coming from my mom in the form of the insurance money from my dad's death, I guess she just wants to do something that'll make me happy.

Randomness Part Whatever

Warning: This post is partially sex related. You have been warned.


I am having way too much fun with Tumblr. I love how so many of them are photo-blogs. However, if anyone sees it, they'd think I'm a sex-fiend for just how many I am following. I'm really not. I promise. I don't know where my recent obsession with sex images is coming from. I'm not horny; I just find them extremely interesting. I've also found photo-blogs of hot guys. Now that may be an entirely different story as to why I follow them. It satisfies my lust for white guys since they don't really like me that way. I must say that sucks ass, but oh well. Maybe moving to Phoenix will change things. Then again losing weight will probably help too. But I've begun to ramble.

In other news, Ryan "apologised" last week, giving me a card and chocolates. It was a really sweet card, basically saying that we've been through a lot and that's what makes us stronger together. However, our Facebook relationship status is still "single" and he's actually not said anything about us actually being together. So right now we're essentially bedmates. I'm not going to say anything. I still don't really have strong feelings about it. It almost seems like he apologised after I broke down while on the phone with him.

Last Wednesday was just a bad day, especially considering my computer decided to break by not booting. So it's been sent off to Gateway for three weeks. This prompted me to buy the netbook I'm currently typing on. I want to keep it, but it's not economical considering I bought it with a credit card. So more than likely it's either going back to the store or it's being sold. I have a potential buyer, I just need her to get back in touch with me.

Well back to not paying attention to the history of South Africa.

Progress?

So strangeness of strangeness, Ryan's mom called me this morning. She wanted to inform me that she doesn't dislike me although there had been some issues in the beginning. She said that she likes me as a person, and since I make him happy, that's all that matters to her, though she did acknowledge that Colleen would have been their choice for Ryan since he's their only son. How many parents are going to condone their college aged son dating a high schooler who is 4 years younger than him? But she said that at one point Ryan told her that I make him feel good, and that was good enough for her. Her line about never trying to hurt me was interesting though. And she also said she didn't know how Ryan's dad felt about things, but that he would never try to hurt me either. Interesting choice of words I must say. But I guess this is some type of progress. They'd still probably freak at us being engaged, although at this point I don't know why it'd surprise them.

Oh the things I listen to at 10 in the morning.

Sex Sells...

The following post will in no way be nice, or censored. There probably will be TMI. You've been warned.

I guess I can say I've been really intrigued by sex since I was about 11, though I've known about it since I was much younger and would half-sleep walk to the kitchen with the sounds of porn following me. But year 11/12 was a turning point. I actually sat down and watched porn on my own. Fun stuff that was, especially making sure I didn't get caught by my dad. Porn is the way I learned of masturbation and blow jobs (other than that one scene in Waiting to Exhale) and other than my friends, it was my second biggest source of info. My biggest? Romance novels. They kicked in around age 11 also. I was obsessed with them. By the time I sold the majority of my book collection in 2007, I had probably amassed and/or read over 300 romance novels in 9 or so years. Probably not that staggering of a number if you break it down, but considering it's not the only thing I read, I find that crazy.

But for most of that time, I felt that I was doomed never to have sex. I'm not attractive, and typically fall in the "friend" category with guys, which though it depressed me, I learned to deal with. Then at 19, I lost my virginity. To a one night stand no less. I still don't know why I did that. He was kind of a creepy guy in both looks and attitude. But whatever, I've only spoken to him like once since. Then I met Ryan, and we've been together for the past three years. I've said this before, and I'll say this again, I miss good sex. We used to have fun with it and could enjoy each other for a long time, but now it's hard just getting him to make out with me, let alone have sex. And even when we do, it's usually a 20 min thing and done. 20 mins being at the high side when foreplay is actually involved.

But since the decline in my sex life, I've taken to reading erotica, with my favourite site being Literotica. It is a really cool site that probably has something for everyone. Typically though, the only stores I read on there are black woman/white man, which probably isn't the best obsession considering my boyfriend isn't white. Nonetheless I've always had a thing for white guys, so this is right up my alley. The stores on there just sound like so much fun. Kinky sex in public bathrooms and at clubs and other such escapades. It makes me wish I wasn't in a relationship, so I could go experience it. Not saying I'd be a whore, though if I were a guy, I so would be. A bisexual manwhore.

But this semester has brought up something to me. I'm very intrigued by non-conventional sex. I guess I've kinda always known this, but writing a paper on sadomasochism just pointed it out more. Then I decided for NaNoWriMo next year, I want to write about a romance between a African-American call girl and a white businessman. Yep. That'd probably cause some issues for the people reading it, but that's another post I plan on doing. Over the weekend, I found more sex blogs to read, considering there are a large about of women out there blogging about their sex lives. Today while at the library, I decided to find books on prostitution (GSU has an interesting section on it, right after stuff on BDSM). I'm sure the guy who checked out my books probably thought I was weird, but I am just so fascinated with women who do sex work because they want to. Come to think of it, if I had the body for it, I would probably be a stripper. Maybe a call girl.

I know I'm weird.

Two Can Play That Game

You know for someone who says he doesn't like his family very much, Ryan can pull some bitch ass moves. Like last night, he was telling me that his sister was going to fix such-and-such for me for Thanksgiving, and I was just like, "You know I don't eat other people's cooking unless I know what's in it, because what people might think of as vegetarian really isn't." Of course, he got bitchy about that saying that me not eating at his family functions was rude, case in point one of the first family dinners I had with him. But he seems to conveniently forget that he told me to eat before we went; therefore, I wasn't hungry and didn't not want to try anything. I understand that his family thought it was rude, and I didn't mean for it to come off that way. Of course he didn't tell me until afterwards that they thought it was rude, so the next time a family dinner came around, I just made something for myself and ate it there.

But after I told him, I'm not going to eat something when I don't want to, he got all quiet and pissy, eventually storming off into our room. When I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed he wasn't upset, but nonetheless pretty much refused to speak to me. So before I walked out of the room, I informed him that from now on, we'll just do holidays seperate, so his family doesn't think I'm rude.

I'm tired of him trying to guilt trip me about this. Not even my own family pulls that shit. They know I'm vegetarian, and leave it at that. Sometimes they will cook stuff I can eat, but more often than not, they'll let me do whatever about my own eating habits. I'm thankful that his family tries to make something for me, and I don't have any issue with that, because that's really nice of them to do. I have tried stuff they've made or ordered, but there are a lot of things I won't automatically eat because I don't know how they were cooked. Like my dad, he didn't see any problem cooking corn or green beans with meat in the pot, and just said I could pick around it. I don't do that. There might be vegetarian's who do, but not me. Once he got the whole, "it's still got meat juice in it" he would cook it without. That's cool, and considering my daddy is one of the biggest meat eaters on earth, that was nice of him.

But Ryan doesn't get it. Not only does he guilt trip me about it, but I don't feel comfortable at his family gatherings. I know his parents don't like me, even though they're trying to be nice about things. It always just feels like I'm an outsider observing what's going on, and if I wanted to do that, I'd just go be with my own family, like I'll be doing this year. And of course he also forgot the fact that he doesn't like to split the same holiday between families, for whatever reason. His parents have people coming in from out of town for Christmas, but since we spent last Christmas with them, it was my parents turn. I just said oh well, and he gave me such a look because if we were following what had been established the previous year, he couldn't spend this Christmas with his family. That didn't fly with him, but last Christmas when I wanted to go see my family on Christmas day, he wouldn't come with me, although we had spent Christmas Eve with his. Problem with this? I think so.

He is such a punk ass bitch.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

I Get Off On You...

This post will probably totally be TMI, but I miss good sex. What I mean by this is sex that I want to have more of even right after we finish. Granted all the stories I've been reading probably doesn't exactly help, but everyone has to have great sex at some point in time right? I've never had great sex, good yes, great no. Then again, I've only had sex with two guys, one a virgin, so I can't exactly fault him on that. Even so, great sex would be so awesome right now.

It's Almost a Full Moon...

Things have been so crazy lately. Ryan's dad was putting up opposition to us moving. My mom was doing the same. It took practically begging, pleading and arguing with her to let me borrow the money. But now we wait. They have to check our credit and employment verification. I'm not worried about my credit so much as Ryan's. If his issues with being late show up, his credit won't get approved. We're already walking a fine line considering we barely make enough and my credit score is low. Hopefully he hasn't ruined his. Life just feels so crazy right now especially when it comes to money. Here's to hoping things go according to plan.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

I'm really hoping I can start to reinvent myself little by little. It would really help if I were less indecisive. However, I guess it's the little things that count until I can get to the big stuff, and the first thing on that list is learning to be happy with myself. I think I need to come to accept I may never get back down to a size 12. My current life circumstances don't quite permit it, but I'm still going to try to change in little ways, even if it's just cutting back on certain things I love.

My second thing is accepting that I am not happy where I'm at, especially when it comes to work. It's a job that never really seems to have any rewards, even for just personal merit. The managers there don't care as much about their staff as they need to. Just like, they didn't tell me they didn't like my work ethic in the beginning. I was never spoken to, but it started to show itself in little ways. And various job opportunities keep present themselves to me, though sometimes I am late in getting the message. I hope that the next job I try and get will become mine, but if it doesn't there will be others. I need to get away from Olive Garden, because I know, when you dread going into work, you're not where you're supposed to be.

Third thing is my living situation. Living in Lithonia is not working for me. I am more sedentary out here than I have been in since high school, and that is something else that reflects itself in my weight. I was not meant to be a rural/suburban girl. I love living in a city where there's life and awesome people. That's why I loved the major cities of Europe that I went to. Even the one's that weren't on a large scale like Cadiz made me love them because of the spirit of them. I would love to move back to the area I was in in Buckhead, though from what I've heard it's gotten worse. Living in those apartments and walking up that hill, second best place I lived as far as getting around. Newcastle will always be the ultimate. I couldn't even think about a car, so I walked everywhere I had to, or took public transportation. The mind set I'm in here isn't working and something's gotta give, and I'll be damned if it's me.

Fourth is becoming organized. I have so many things I could possibly want to do after I graduate, and the worst part is, I can't decide. I hate being indecisive, but I can't seem to not be. Before May rolls around, I need to have at least my next year decided. But it seems like new ideas are always presenting themselves to me, like going to a grad school here, or pick up a second bachelor's degree, or going to school overseas. I want to do all, and even though I know I can't, I can't decide. Sometimes I think it's a matter of how selfish I want to become, and really considering some of my financial issues right now, I'm thinking I need to become more selfish anyway. I can't help feeling though that I'm meant to help others, but I know, that's how things have always been.

And although I'm not religious, this quote speaks volumes to me:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

I need all of those right now because I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to get there, but I know I need to leave this life behind.

"That is not it at all. That is not what I meant at all."

Today is one of those days that I know I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, and part of my brain is screaming for me to get over it. After ranting about Ryan and eating something I shouldn't have, I've realised, probably yet again, this isn't where I want to be. I'm in a relationship that I feel is going nowhere, and I know that the love he's showing towards me, I'm no longer reciprocating. I hate how I look, and rarely even feel pretty anymore, even when I dress up. I hate being fat, but for some reason, don't really have the willpower to do something about it. Sometimes I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to be, but then I think about the fact that I got down to a size 12 in the first place. I want to have a peaceful night's sleep, or even a decent night's sleep. I feel so lost right now, and as much as I'd love to blame it on PMS, I know I can't. My life isn't where I want it to be, but I have no clue how to change it. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. It's not even that I want to die, just not exist. I almost wish I could just pack up and leave and start over somewhere else where I could make myself into whoever I wanted to be. I just want out.

The Post of Random

Things to ramble about:

1. What the hell is with Atlanta drivers? First this speeding Asian lady almost took me out when I was in the crosswalk (one of the few times I was actually crossing with the light like I was supposed to). Then this guy decided to drive up Piedmont the wrong way. People are freaking crazy.

2. This has been the most boring semester possible. Sexual and intimate violence should be boring. Neither should social problems. The only class I like is Families and Society, probably because I get to talk about adultery, which of course is going to be one of my topics in my dissertation.

3. I totally do not want to write my statement of purpose. I know I've got to, but this is the one time I hate talking about myself. Plus I've gotta start thinking about the GRE. Why all this bullshit just to get in a school? It should not be this hard, nor should it cost that much.

4. I meet this sweet guy on IMVU. For a 20 year old, he seems so clueless, then again he's never had a girlfriend and is also a virgin. It's cute. Plus he's a romantic. Poor kid. He's going to be so disillusioned about love, probably by the current girl he's in love with. It's going to suck when that happens.

5. I think my sex drive is too high or something. I really shouldn't want sex as much as I do, or maybe it's being deprived so much that causes this. I miss the sex I had a couple of years ago. (God it's scary thinking like that.) Something's gotta give or I'm gonna go crazy soon.

6. I find it interesting people keep asking me what's going to happen between me and Ryan when I leave. It's like when have I been able to predict the future? We been through being separated once, so maybe that will bode well for this time, maybe not. This time is going to be 5 to 7 years, with little physical presence. So honestly, I don't know.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.

Ramblings

So I start summer school tomorrow. My one and only time of taking summer school and I'm already dreading it. 3 classes lasting 2:45 a piece. Shoot me now.

I'm starting to wonder is something up with Ryan. Yet again we haven't had sex in like a week and he won't give me anything more than quick pecks when he's kissing me. The sex thing doesn't really bother me, but the kissing thing does. That's never been like him. Really I just figure that we're growing apart and maybe he's starting to realise it. We'll see.

Lalalala

So I have upgraded to a swankier new layout. I love purple way too much. Still have no clue where this love came from. It seems to have started freshman year of university. (Calling school university is something I just haven't been able to get out of my system from England. Also asking people what are they're on about. *Sigh* I miss England). I want to go back so bad. I'm jealous of Nicole. She's going back this summer to see her boyfriend. They are so cute together. ...That was totally off topic. 

Anyway, tomorrow Pavi and I are supposed to be going walking, I think around Stone Mountain. This shall be fun considering it's a 5 mile walk. Oh boy. 

I must say, I work with some very interesting people. We get into some interesting conversations, like today's topic was porn and what we like/dislike in guys and girls. Carter is an awesome dude. Miranda, I still haven't figured her out. She gives off this bi vibe, but says she likes penis... a lot. Who knows. 

Anyway, that's my rambling of the night.

Weekends...

5 days since my last update in which time I've probably driven a little over 500 miles, been to Dalton (aka Hell) twice, been to a graduation, gotten weird amounts of sleep, and gotten a kitten (who is being named after the mother of all demons Lilith). I hate work, which is nothing new. Being bitched at two days in a row by managers just annoys me and makes me want to leave OG more. Debbie has no clue what the hell she's doing half the time, and Sarah becomes very condescending when she has to be a manager. Hopefully the end of this job and start of another will come soon.

Now is not the time...

So I got the essentials replaced today. Luckily I got to keep my number. That would have been a pain in the ass to change it. 

Boys, however, are seriously getting on my fucking nerves. First the Turkish guy keeps bugging me about pics of me. If I haven't given you some in like 3 weeks, why the fuck do you keep asking? To say the least, he's quite annoying. Then there's Ryan. He apparently doesn't like someone disagreeing with him considering he stuck his finger in my face and then said shut it. It's the second time in two days he's raised his voice at me, and the next time will not be pretty. It's not my fault he doesn't consider Asian Indians to be Asian. Guess what? It's within the continent of Asia, therefore, the people born there are Asian. 

To top things off, I've gotta go to Dalton tomorrow for my cousin's graduation. The cousin I dislike the most because of all the bullshit he's pulled and my mother's favoritism towards him.

Blahness

I feel a little better having exercised now. I almost wish I just didn't have to eat. I mean I've gone 48 hours without eating before but that was because I was under emotional stress. I feel so whiny. People say get up and do it, but I guess it's because I didn't have to try the first time around that makes this so difficult. I was forced to exercise to get where I needed to go. Now I have a car that can take me to the grocery store 1.5 miles away or drive me to the train station. That's why I wish we didn't live here. I want to be back near downtown, or nearer the Marta station so I can just walk. Problem is he doesn't want to move. He'd rather just not think about it. 

I need to lose between 6 and 8 pounds by 6 June. Let's hope I can kick my ass into gear.

Random Thoughts

Drinking wine is so weird. I really don't like the taste of alcohol. I'm so weird. I kinda wish I did like it, so I would fit in more, but then again I kinda like being able to still be coherent when other people are drunk off their asses.

In other news, Josh did say that he'd go with me. Yay. Makes the idea of finding an apartment or something a lot less daunting than before. Who knows, maybe he'll end up going to school there too.

I feel so lost right now. I don't feel like I belong here. I've gained 90 pounds in 10 months. I miss the size I used to be. Trying to get back down to it has become daunting considering I didn't try to lose weight in the first place. I miss England and Spain. I miss school not weighing on me as much and being able to rome around outside at 4 am with no one to bother me. I miss not having to drive to get places because walking and public transit worked just fine. I wish I could go back to then and tell my current self what not to do. Maybe then I'd be okay.

Spain Part III

So I've made it to Granada. I loved Cadiz, and totally want to go back some day. I wish I could have gone swimming. But yeah, rolling luggage is horrid for Europe. I totally wish I'd gotten a backpack, but I didn't want to buy something else. So oh well. I don't have to move it again for another 4 days or so.

Funny how easily I've been getting annoyed lately, but it's just like sometimes, enough is enough. You put an effort out there, and get pains in the ass or no effort back.

And now, I've book a tour for the Alhambra, but the system won't let me sign in to get my info, besides there being no printer around, so I don't know what I'm going to do. The tour is already paid for.

I think I'm gonna go lie down, though I need to eat at some point. Oh well.