Decisions, Decisions

Partly through my own fear, and partly through my growing interest in doing something positive (and I guess, non-selfish) with my life, I'm re-evaluating going to grad school for history. Granted that is something I really wanted to do, but thinking about it, I'm not going to use the degree because I don't want to teach. It almost seems like a waste of the school's money and resources. I think my biggest reason for going is just to get out of Georgia. Second is pursuing what I want to do. Then again, since I was little, I've wanted to help people who were less fortunate. In fact, I used to want to adopt 14 kids from all different nationalities and backgrounds. I've done like a 180 on the whole kids thing, though sometimes I still want to adopt kids.

Of course, my back-up plan is to become a social worker. Well that was my plan all along, but that'd be bumped up. Minnesota has a graduate social work, and they say they're one of the best in the country. My only thing is I don't know how that'd translate to me working in another state, especially Georgia, but I feel like I need to come back to Georgia to help since I was born and raise here.

God, I hate making decisions.

Starting Over... Again

So we're gonna try this again. I'm trying to exercise on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. Don't know how well that will go. I've tried it the past couple of weeks and something manages to throw me off. I think I'm going to have to start getting up with Ryan and just working from there. It's not like I get much sleep after he leaves anyway.

I tried out my new bike today. It rides well, but man does it hurt my crotch/butt area. I think I'm going to need more padding. It seems like the padding on there is the type for guys anyway, or at least I thought women's cushions were supposed to have more. I really want to ride a bike decently again. I figure I probably don't have a whole lot of stamina for it considering it's been years since I last rode, plus I'm in the second worst physical state of my life (1st if you're going by sheer poundage, 2nd if we're going by size I fit in). I even bought healthy food today like hummus, strawberries and veggie cheese.

Vegetarian cheese tastes a little dry or at least the shreds I had did, but I didn't much notice a taste difference. This week I'm going to try and eat somewhat healthier, at least on school days. Smoothie King is awesome. They have so many varieties of smoothies, though I've really only tried two of their pineapple ones, and their chocolate protein shake. The chocolate shake had an odd taste in the beginning, but you get used to it after a few sips.

I think my biggest thing is going to be water consumption. I will not drink the water in the apartment because it tasted nasty. Maybe I should try it now. Ryan seems to have no problem with it, though who knows what actually tastes bad to him. So I guess I'll give it another shot because unless I boil massive amounts of water, which would be way too much hassle, or go back to buying gallons of water, which considering I could get them for less than a dollar isn't bad.

Here's to trying yet again. I want most of this weight gone by next year. It took me less than a year to gain it, so hopefully it'll take me a year or so to lose it.

Revelations at 1 in the morning

I think I've come to the second biggest revelation of this relationship (hmm maybe 3rd): I don't think he finds me attractive anymore. I've been asking myself why our sex life sucks so much, why he doesn't kiss me as much as he used to, and tonight when he bluntly stated "Go get it somewhere else" after I asked why he doesn't like having sex anymore, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I always thought it was odd he was attracted to me, but I also thought that was just the self-deprecation talking. Now I guess I have a self-fulfilling prophecy. As he so harshly stated, I'm not going to go get it somewhere else. I guess it's back to my old asexual self until either he's attracted again (which I doubt) or we break up and I find someone else. God I swear my luck gets shittier every freaking year. Or maybe life is just telling me it's time to get out of this relationship. I keep getting signs but I'm still here. There are so many random little things preventing me from leaving, and yet I could probably talk down all of them. I guess I just wish things had worked out in a better fashion. All his words of last week mean naught when I'm not who he wants (in this case physically) and there's no way I ever could be. C'est la vie. Or maybe just as poetical: que sera, sera.

The Post of Random

Things to ramble about:

1. What the hell is with Atlanta drivers? First this speeding Asian lady almost took me out when I was in the crosswalk (one of the few times I was actually crossing with the light like I was supposed to). Then this guy decided to drive up Piedmont the wrong way. People are freaking crazy.

2. This has been the most boring semester possible. Sexual and intimate violence should be boring. Neither should social problems. The only class I like is Families and Society, probably because I get to talk about adultery, which of course is going to be one of my topics in my dissertation.

3. I totally do not want to write my statement of purpose. I know I've got to, but this is the one time I hate talking about myself. Plus I've gotta start thinking about the GRE. Why all this bullshit just to get in a school? It should not be this hard, nor should it cost that much.

4. I meet this sweet guy on IMVU. For a 20 year old, he seems so clueless, then again he's never had a girlfriend and is also a virgin. It's cute. Plus he's a romantic. Poor kid. He's going to be so disillusioned about love, probably by the current girl he's in love with. It's going to suck when that happens.

5. I think my sex drive is too high or something. I really shouldn't want sex as much as I do, or maybe it's being deprived so much that causes this. I miss the sex I had a couple of years ago. (God it's scary thinking like that.) Something's gotta give or I'm gonna go crazy soon.

6. I find it interesting people keep asking me what's going to happen between me and Ryan when I leave. It's like when have I been able to predict the future? We been through being separated once, so maybe that will bode well for this time, maybe not. This time is going to be 5 to 7 years, with little physical presence. So honestly, I don't know.

A New Direction

So yesterday and today, I got in touch with my potential dissertation advisor at the University of Minnesota. The process start is becoming a little surreal. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket though, so I need to find a back up school. That would probably be either Indiana University, Northern Illinois University, University of Maryland, or University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill. Chapel Hill was my original choice for grad school, but I've decided I want to be further out of the South. I've lived here almost all my life, and I just feel like I need something new.

I've been going stir-crazy ever since I came back from England. All I can think about is how much I miss it and how much I'd love to get away again. Grad school is my legitimate excuse right now. A doctorate take somewhere between five and eight years to complete. If I go straight in next year, I'll be between 28 and 31 when I finish. It's kind of scary to think how much of life will have been committed to school.

Sina brought up today the fact that with me being gone for that long, he doesn't think Ryan and I will last because we'll drift apart. I've had that thought too, especially since he won't be able to get away from work often. Me being in England was stressful on us. I can only imagine what being separated that long will do. More than likely it'll break us up. I definitely won't be surprised if it does. In fact, I'll probably suggest that we see other people. I don't want him to put his life on hold for me, especially considering he's got 4 years of school.

Most of all though, I'm scared of something new, yet craving it at the same time. I think I know where I want to go with my life, but the question is will I achieve it.

Crash and...

So he and I managed to talk last night. I ended up going off on him in a way, and told him not to dare blame me for her not being able to play her own game. There was much silence on his end, though he did answer the questions I put to him. My brain still doesn't want to let go of the fact that he called her his greatest happiness. I ended up breaking down and crying like a baby. At that point he apologised for things, and said stuff like I am his world and mean everything to him. That he loves me with all his heart. We even ended up having make up sex. I don't know what to do though. Right now I'm just biding my time and seeing how things go. I don't know if he's actually going to communicate with me more/better. I don't know anything right now.

Still I Rise...

I have decided I am not going to let what he said get me down. Granted he cloaked his statuses in ambiguity, but I knew who he was talking about. I'm sure some others have figured it out too. I am going to take this and work with it. We are still financially linked until the end of September, and I'm okay with that. I can make it until then. Granted I'll need to start building my back-up plan beforehand. Who would have thought a 2.5 year relationship with a year and counting engagement would end this way? But I am resilient. I will rise. I will prevail.

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And the truth is revealed...

If I didn't know it already, these comments/statuses on Ryan's behalf (When I think about it, you're part of the reason I am the way I am. Be wary of what you say, I will retaliate one day.) and (Funny you can say that. You were a cause to the end of my greatest happiness.)let me know, our relationship is basically over.

To me, considering the fact that we're engaged, I should be his greatest happiness, but I guess that's not true. Funny to think she's turning 18 next year. Maybe they'll get back together. Now I've just got to find my way out.

I'm still not giving back my ring though. Screw that.

I'm the only one who cares...

So today, almost right after I woke up, I started think about all the food I had eaten this weekend, none of it exceedingly healthy. I also weighed myself and what I had guessed was what the scale reflected (232.6). I mean it's still surprising I'm wearing a size 18 considering when I was younger and weighed less I was hitting a size 20/22, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But this morning what I basically realised was that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm the only one who truly cares.

My mom "cares" because she's been trying to change me all my life. Ryan cares, I'm guessing, because some things aren't how they used to be. I'm the one this is truly affecting. I'm the one who is unhappy with the way things have gone. So it's up to me to actually do something about it. Time to stop blaming this circumstance and that. Yeah, my weight loss before was accidental, so this time it's just going to have to be deliberate. I'm tired of feeling guilty after I eat something I like because it probably pushed me over my calories for the day. I'm tired of looking at myself and critiquing everything I see.

I don't know how long my resolve will stick, but I'm hoping I'll at least make some improvement in things.

Stream of Consciousness

So yesterday was interesting. After Ryan got off work, we went over to his parents' house to help set up a gazebo. I didn't even join in until later, but damn if that wasn't tiring. Poor Ryan having to do the majority of it by himself. But after it was finished, his parents took us out to dinner. Go figure.

And it took two weeks, but we finally did the do again. It's so weird. It's like we're suffering lesbian bed death, and we've only been together 2.5 years (I have no clue what that's called for a straight couple). We've gotten way too comfortable with things I guess. Sex is never really different. Who knows? But I did feel a little better about things after last night and this morning. I'm not quite in the "I don't love you anymore" stage. I think I'm hovering somewhere near it though, but closer on the side of "I still love you." It's so hard to put a name to that feeling.

I don't think I like Miranda anymore though. I still like joking around with her, but the feeling of actually liking her is gone, probably because I don't see her as much now.

At work, we're up to 17 hosts. 17. WTF? We have enough host to run a server shift at OG. This is so crazy. Even one of the servers I was talking to thought that was crazy. But I think the new guy is leaving at the end of the summer, thank the gods. Denart is supposed to be leaving soon too, but I don't really know. They might as well make Dana a full on server. Then again, if I could find a job with either better pay or steadier hours, I'd probably go for it at this point. I'll only have been at OG for a year come the beginning of August. I think it's hard for me to stay at a job for a long time, my longest being 1.5 years.

It's so weird to think that it's been almost two years since I left for England. Two years since things started changing so much for me. God I miss it there. I miss walking everywhere and the way the school was ran, and having crazy roommates. I miss Smoothies and their awesome Mexican style burrito. I miss the Subway by the church. I miss Primark and their lovely clothes and prices. I miss the Metro and ASDA and Tesco. I miss being able to see the Tyne River and the "Slug" out my window. I just plain miss it. I think I'm going to start a blog and post a picture a day from when I was overseas.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.

Boredom

So it's school time again. I shall not have fun this semester. Gonna have so much work to do in the next two months, and then back to school in mid-August. At least I get to get out of the state at the beinning of August. Going to Illinois and Minnesota both school type related, though I am totally going to Mall of America when we get to Minneapolis. I'm so excited to be going up north. Never been to Minnesota, and totally can't wait to go. Hopefully it will be awesome.

Ramblings

So I start summer school tomorrow. My one and only time of taking summer school and I'm already dreading it. 3 classes lasting 2:45 a piece. Shoot me now.

I'm starting to wonder is something up with Ryan. Yet again we haven't had sex in like a week and he won't give me anything more than quick pecks when he's kissing me. The sex thing doesn't really bother me, but the kissing thing does. That's never been like him. Really I just figure that we're growing apart and maybe he's starting to realise it. We'll see.

Work

So I asked today about why old people were getting less days than new people. Debbie gave me this talk of our GSS scores and such leading to that. In essence, seniority means nothing here. She also used me as an eample saying that I used to be more interesting in chatting and leaving than doing my job, but now I'm working hard. Go figure not giving a damn about your job can make you more efficient.

Kienon had some of his money disappear today. Michelle and I have the suspicion that it was the new busser. Who knows?

Lalalala

So I have upgraded to a swankier new layout. I love purple way too much. Still have no clue where this love came from. It seems to have started freshman year of university. (Calling school university is something I just haven't been able to get out of my system from England. Also asking people what are they're on about. *Sigh* I miss England). I want to go back so bad. I'm jealous of Nicole. She's going back this summer to see her boyfriend. They are so cute together. ...That was totally off topic. 

Anyway, tomorrow Pavi and I are supposed to be going walking, I think around Stone Mountain. This shall be fun considering it's a 5 mile walk. Oh boy. 

I must say, I work with some very interesting people. We get into some interesting conversations, like today's topic was porn and what we like/dislike in guys and girls. Carter is an awesome dude. Miranda, I still haven't figured her out. She gives off this bi vibe, but says she likes penis... a lot. Who knows. 

Anyway, that's my rambling of the night.

Reflection

It's kinda scary when a story you're reading brings back so many memories. This particular one is about being the other woman and the fucked up emotions it entails. I was the other woman for a year, and just like the character in the story, couldn't seem to find a way out. I was an emotional wreck from it, but I still stayed because I loved him and hoped that one day he would see the light. Granted he never really did though we did end up together. I've always had the feeling that I was just second choice considering she broke up with him. He has said that he loves me more than he loved her, but then I remember that he wouldn't leave her for me despite the fact that in many ways, I was the better choice for him. She broke up with him, and he fell back on me because I was the one who was always there for him. It almost makes me wonder where we would be if she hadn't broken up with him. I can hope that I'd be out of that situation with him, but honestly, I don't know. And now, I feel like I can see where she was coming from. He's been the only boyfriend I ever had and we're engaged. He's the only guy I've slept with more than once (considering my grand total is two guys). I kinda feel like this wasn't meant to be and that's the reasons I have so many doubts about us. I love him, though I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him. I think that's part of the reason I want to go to grad school so bad. To see something else. Maybe meet someone else. This relationship has been falling apart for a while, I almost think we're holding on to it because we're afraid of letting go. *Sigh* I hate emotions sometimes.

So...

I've probably made the most expensive clothing purchase outside of me buying my wedding dress. I bought a pair of $100 walking shoes. They're supposed to increase the effectiveness of walking because they keep you off balance and kinda feel like walking through sand. My balance must have already been a little screwy because they're not really messing with my balance at all. Hmm, we'll see if this was a sound investment or not after I go walking today.

Job Hunting

So I applied to Kroger and Rainbow today. Hopefully something will come up considering OG is getting on my last damn nerve. One day when everyone else has like 3 or more? What the fuck? It's such bullshit from the management. I'm hoping for Kroger especially since it's just right up the road from me, and then there's one up the road from the apartment complex I wanna look at. So here's to hoping.