I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

New Years Resolutions

I have two general resolutions for this upcoming year: improve myself and improve my finances.

I want to improve myself in the following ways:
1. Yesterday when I weighted in I was at 233. I want to try and make it to 150 by this day next year. That's 83 lbs. or about 7 lbs. a month. Written down that doesn't seem that bad, but I know that I get lazy and don't want to exercise, and I know that despite what I eat (though I'm going to try and cut down on my eating out anyway), I've got to exercise to make sure I get the amount of weight I want to get off.

The problem is work. Most of the time, I work late, get in some time just being chill, and then sleep until I have to go to work again. I would probably have to get my exercise in before work, which could potentially make me more tired than I usually am before work, but we'll see.

2. I would like to try and blog more consistantly. I'm always telling myself that I'm going to blog more, but in the end I don't. I don't really think that I have something interesting to say. Blogs are more just for me to get out my emotions without talking to other people, hence the reason for all the bitching about the boy. Which leads me to...

3. When it comes to him, I'm going to try and stop asking. I ask him to do something, and most of the time, he forgets, so after 4 years, I just know, if I want something done, I need to do it myself. I do truly hate nagging, but he seems to bring it out of me, so no more.

4. This one is kinda weird, but I'm going to try and become a little more "lady-like." As it stands, the only time I really wear make-up is for Thrashers games, so I want to try and wear it a little more. I go for dressing comfortably over dressing cute, so that's part two. Lastly, I want to try and stop cussing as much. I can do it in family and work situations, but around friends or at Thrashers games, I just let go, so gotta try and cut back.

As far as my finances, my biggest thing is cutting back on unnecessary spending. Just looking at how I spend money these last few months has been eye opening. I spend money on so much stuff I don't need. So I'm going to reset my budgets and try and stay within them as much as possible. This is definitely going to be helpful considering I need to start saving as much money as possible starting in September. So being mindful of what I'm spending where is going to be my biggest financial goal.

I know trying to do 5 changes is going to be a lot of work, but I think if I really really try, I can get it done.

Hmm...

So tonight I had a bit of a reality check. For me to do the Ireland BUNAC program in (it would need to start between Feb and Aug) 2012, I would need to save up at least $4500 by that time. The question becomes can I do that. Let's say I start saving next month and want to try the program for Feb 2012, that's 15 months. I would need to save $300 a month. Granted I'm hoping to make about $1000 a month between my two jobs. However, if I aimed for August 2012 and a 21 month buffer, I would only need to save $215 a month.

Nevertheless, my big problem will come from my credit cards and my student loans kicking in. One of them, I can't seem to get a decent dent in. The other, my mom helped pay down some, but it's still at a not so pretty number. I really wish I could just combine them and just pay one card. My life would be much easier, but with the crappy credit score I have little hope of getting either card extended to accommodate both of them, that and balance transfers can incur some crazy interest rates.

So time to try and get some stuff done, like seeing if I can get on foodstamps. That alone would help take care of some of the money issues. We'll see how this fares.

Change of Plans

Seeing as I'm already $21500 in debt to the federal government, I'm starting to rethink going back to GSU to get my degree in sociology. While I'm only 6 classes away from having that degree, don't quite know what I'd do with it considering I'm wanting to go into museums/archives. So I'm thinking I could do the BUNAC program for Ireland starting in like January 2012, then go on to try the BUNAC program for Britain and then go for my Masters. I think it would be a better use of money and such considering I'd be just working for a year and a half. Plus I've wanted to go to Ireland for so long, and what better way other than studying abroad.

The Plan

I love discovering new things, so having discovered blogs written by black women expats has been awesome, especially since I'm looking to become one myself. I know I'm probably going to be reading as much of them as possible considering how I used to be as a kid (like being obsessed with sailing around the world - something which still would be awesome to do). I've been obsessed with travel since I was young and having lived outside of the country once, I can't wait to do it again. That and getting to travel to all those places I didn't see on my last trip over. I'm hoping things come together like I want them to, especially since I'm getting a plethora of info about various things like the fact that BUNAC has a 12-month work program in Ireland and a 6-month on for Britain. I mean, with the plan I currently have running in my head, the 6-month program would fit in beautifully. Granted a chance to live in Ireland for a year would definitely put the England thing on hold.

So tentatively my schedule is as follows:
Graduate from GPC by December 2011 (I'm thinking I could be done after Summer semester though)
Graduate from GSU (again) by December 2012 (once again, I might be able to get it done in Summer)
Do the 6-month BUNAC program (from January to June, maybe February to July)
Start the 24 month Museum Studies Program at Newcastle Uni in September 2013

I'm getting excited about the thought of this working out. Granted school here will put me in further debt more than likely.

School Thoughts After Actually Having Graduated

And since I neglected my other plans for the future in that post...

When I interviewed for the library job last week, and I mentioned I was going to GPC for their library science program, the director of circulation mentioned that I should just go after a master of library science considering it would take about the same amount of time and most of them are completely online. So I went ahead with all my processes for GPC. If my money comes through before school starts, I'll go ahead with that and go for the Master's a little later on. If it doesn't, I'm just going to try and get everything settled for trying to enroll at Valdosta for spring.

In even further ahead future plans, I want to go back to GSU to get my Sociology degree. When I graduated, I was 6 classes away from having that degree, so I figure I can go back and take 2 or 3 semesters to complete it, and then I'd have 3 degrees under my belt (either an Assoc. and 2 BAs, or 2 BAs and a Masters). Granted I like the sound of the second set more, but I needed to go to school now to postpone the loan payage considering I've been having trouble finding a job.

My biggest thing comes with the Master's I really want. I can either stay in Georgia (and go to Georgia State) or I can go back to England (going to Northumbria's rival Newcastle). I kinda feel that I'd have a better chance with the field that I want in England because they have so much history, especially up North, but that could just be me wanting to go back. What I do know, is that the British National Museum is huge and I would love to work there. But here in the US, we do have the Smithsonian, which from what I remember was pretty epic too. The other thing would be cost. It would definitely be more expensive for me to do the 1 year program at Newcastle, but it could possibly weight out to be the same as doing a two year program here.

My biggest thing is I want to be at a history museum. That's where my passion for museums lie. I doubt I'll ever go further with history straight up. I wanted to get a Ph.D., but GSU kinda ruined my love of history (ironically Northumbria showed me exactly what I wanted to do in History). So it's like choices choices.

The Plan...

Gods. I so miss Newcastle (England in general). I haven't been there in a little over two years, still think about it almost every day. Matt and Jenny came over last week. He's gotten so skinny. They're making me miss the North more. If the plan I'm cooking up works, I want to do like a week in Northumbria and two weeks in Scotland. I only got to go to Edinburgh originally, so there's so much more of that country I need to see.

I'm going to try and go for saving up $40 a week, $50 when I can spare it. If I move back in with my mum, this plan might get a little further. However, having the full time job in Atlanta would definitely be more awesome. Every time I think of moving back to Dalton, I feel a little miserable. Away from all my friends whom I love and don't spend nearly enough time with. At least I'd have Juli in Dalton.

To go or not to go...?

Well two months exactly since my last post. I was probably bitching about Ryan in that, but what's new?

In that two months, I've at least finished my undergrad degree in History (seems I might be graduating cum laude). I don't think being done with GSU has completely hit me yet, since I'm still working there through the end of the week. After that, maybe it will finally feel like a reality. And me being me, and not wanting to go to grad school immediately, and yet not have to start paying back my loans, I'm trying to go to another school to obtain an Associate's in Library Science. Nonetheless, I'm still planning on going to grad school. In a way, it's kind of a good thing I'm a little disgruntled over Arizona right now, because I found out that Newcastle University has a Museum Studies program. In fact, I found a lot more Museum Studies programs than I thought there were. New York seems to have the most, but there are school in the UK. Like 5 or 6 of them. And what I would pay for one year of going to one of those schools, I would pay for two years going to a school in the States. SO the question becomes what to do? I could try and go to school here. I could try for Newcastle. I could be a little more adventurous and try somewhere else in the UK, or I could go for the most out there one and try for the school in Australia.

I'm going to take the GRE for the American schools, just in case, but I know my heart is set on going outside the country. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back overseas ever since I came back. I'm envious of my friend Matt who's getting to come here for like a two week vacation (he's been gone from here for like a year), and my friend Nicole who's getting to move to England (she's getting married though). As much as I bitched and moaned at times while I was in England, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. And I know the major thing that kept me from completely enjoying my experience there, wouldn't be an issue this time.

Everything is tell me to go for it, but then my practical side kicks in, and I know the money will be the biggest issue. I had my mom helping me the first time. Now I would have to figure out my own way. I'm up for the task mind you, but at the same time it feels over-whelming. The thought of putting myself into infinitely more debt than I already have when I could stay in the US and probably have less. I'm gonna have to stop thinking about this, or I'll talk myself out of it. Right now, I just want to decide which places I want to look at. I've never been to Australia, and the uni there is in Sydney. At the same time, Newcastle is my other home. I love that city as much as I love Atlanta. At the same time though, I could branch out within the UK and see what other parts of the country have to offer.

I am a horrible decision maker.

Writing

I can't tell you why, but I'm hella inconsistent on writing on any type of journal or blog. Bad thing is I love writing. Or at least writing things I'm good at. BSing History papers at the last minute = a school well learned in high school. Trying to write an analytical English paper on a novel = You want what? I learned this well in attempting to take a Lit class this semester. I was okay with understanding what the professor was talking about until it came to my presentation. In that case, I wrote what I'm good at, while she wanted analysis. That was a bad combo. Unfortunately, I didn't really have the time to give her what she wanted, and so I had to drop the class because that presentation was 20% of the grade.

Luckily I still have 13 credit hours with the class being dropped, which actually means, in all 5 hellascious years I've been at this school, I've never gone part time. I still wonder how I pulled off 18 credit hours last Spring and managed to get on the Dean's List for it too. (As a side note, that's something else I find awesome. I've only not been on Dean's List twice, and I've made President's List before. Thank you summer semester.) But in a way this got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in grad school? Classes aren't so easily gotten rid of when you aren't doing so well in them because you're a lot more concentrated. This alone is going to force me to not be indecisive, something which I almost think it's impossible for me not to be. But honestly, I don't see myself getting a decent job in a historical field with just a B.A., so it seems force is what it will take.

I'm also trying to write short stories, but I'm so horrible at writing in detail. I can picture everything in my head vividly. It's just getting it onto the page that's the problem. I still want to try and do NaNoWriMo, but this shall be quite interesting when it comes down to it. 50,000 words in one month on a story about a callgirl and the business man who falls for her... well it's a little more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

Randomness Part Whatever

Warning: This post is partially sex related. You have been warned.


I am having way too much fun with Tumblr. I love how so many of them are photo-blogs. However, if anyone sees it, they'd think I'm a sex-fiend for just how many I am following. I'm really not. I promise. I don't know where my recent obsession with sex images is coming from. I'm not horny; I just find them extremely interesting. I've also found photo-blogs of hot guys. Now that may be an entirely different story as to why I follow them. It satisfies my lust for white guys since they don't really like me that way. I must say that sucks ass, but oh well. Maybe moving to Phoenix will change things. Then again losing weight will probably help too. But I've begun to ramble.

In other news, Ryan "apologised" last week, giving me a card and chocolates. It was a really sweet card, basically saying that we've been through a lot and that's what makes us stronger together. However, our Facebook relationship status is still "single" and he's actually not said anything about us actually being together. So right now we're essentially bedmates. I'm not going to say anything. I still don't really have strong feelings about it. It almost seems like he apologised after I broke down while on the phone with him.

Last Wednesday was just a bad day, especially considering my computer decided to break by not booting. So it's been sent off to Gateway for three weeks. This prompted me to buy the netbook I'm currently typing on. I want to keep it, but it's not economical considering I bought it with a credit card. So more than likely it's either going back to the store or it's being sold. I have a potential buyer, I just need her to get back in touch with me.

Well back to not paying attention to the history of South Africa.

Procrastination

So in a further effort to not do my work, I'm going to blog.

I've decided to go through with the whole graduate school thing. I don't honestly think I can live in Atlanta for longer than I need to. I'm going to apply to both Arizona State (here's to hoping they find the faculty positions they need) and Indiana University, Bloomington. I'm really more hoping for ASU because I think it would be more like the culture shock I got from going to Newcastle. I've never been out west, I hate the cold for the most part, and I just think it would utterly different for me. Plus it helps that my other hockey team is there. I think the Coyotes are the other big reason why I'd pick Phoenix over Bloomington. But in the mean time, I need to take the GRE, find three teachers to write recommendations for me, and write my statement of purpose. The statement will be the hardest thing, because even now, I'm still not completely sure what I want to do with my life. There are times I wish I just had the money to travel and never look back. Money will surely be the bane of my existence for years to come.

On another note, I'm still trying to write, though I doubt I'll let anyone see it. Writing is something I've been okay at since I was little, but I doubt it's up to par for anything. Like most things I can do, I'm okay at it, but not great at it. Oh well. I'll just get my random little stories out of my head as usual and be done with it. I'm not sure if I'm still gonna do NaNoWriMo. We'll see come October.

But now I really must do work. I'm such a slacker.

How to Not Do School Work

It's weird. I've been obsessed with reading and trying my hand at writing lately. Probably my brain's way of procrastinating to the max, but it's been interesting. I've discovered some new authors that I really like. I've also been writing pieces of a story that's in my head. I know the beginning, middle and end, but I haven't written them. Well I've kinda been writing the middle. Now I'm going back to write the beginning. As much as I want to write an HEA, in this case, as in so many of the stories my brain comes up with, my brain just won't do it. Maybe it's my underlying belief that "happily-ever-after" isn't real. Who knows? I wish it was, and I know it is for some people, but I don't see myself as one of those people.

In other news, I'm contemplating moving to Phoenix for grad school. It's probably like the total opposite of Minneapolis, but it has my other hockey team, and since hockey is determined to take over my life, I figure why not. Arizona State has a MA program in Museum Studies, which is pretty much exactly what I want. It'll be so weird if I go through with this, because that's pretty much moving clear across the country, to the desert at that.

Ramblings

We are now 8 days into the new year. My final semester starts in 4 days. I really don't wanna be up at 7:30 but I must, though technically I don't need Latin anymore. Tuesdays are gonna be long days for me. I've gotta be on campus for about 11 hours. 11 long hours. But at this point, I'm kinda like, it's whatever. I just want to do this semester, hopefully pass with As and Bs and be done with it all. My History and English classes will probably be the hardest for me. Latin frustrates me, but doesn't make me stress too much. I love film, although I'm not sure of the format this film class will take. And it seems that Sociology is something I'm good at, or at least comes to me rather well.

I also need to find a job. This is getting ridiculous. But I haven't cared about that in a while, which is bad. Next week I'm going to try and call my cousin and see if she knows of any internships that are open where she works. I guess I should reapply to Walmart and Kroger now that the holiday season is technically over. In fact, I will try and get all this done Monday. We'll see how well that plan works out.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

Realisations

I have determined that I am no longer in love with history thanks to GSU. Northumbria made me love it, especially when it came to women's history. Made me want to study it for a Ph.D. in it too, but GSU has taken all the love out of it. I still love my specialized areas like miscegenation and Plains Indians Wars and European dynasties. I have no clue how I reconcile those let alone go on to do something like graduate school. In fact I don't think I'm going to grad school anymore. I don't know what I want so why waste the money and resources? I'll just try and find a job in Atlanta and leave it at that.

Right now I just wish I was more focused on school. I have a feeling this semester will be my worst semester ever and what makes that knowledge worse is the fact that I didn't have to put myself through this. If GSU had given me the right track this would be my last semester. I guess I can just reconcile myself with the fact that it at least gave me a minor I love and I'm really good at. Unfortunately it's too late to switch majors or I would. Sociology is what I'm good at but I discovered that too late as with everything I love regarding school.

Now the question is where do I go from here?

Bitch Fit

I think I'm about 5 seconds away from snapping on him. He just makes it so easy with his little bullshit comments. Like tonight I asked him what was up with the attitude and he's saying I've had an attitude since he came in. Considering I was laughing and joking with Ally much of the time, how was I the one with the attitude? He came in and went straight to the bedroom without saying anything. I could also tell he didn't like what Ally had to say about why Lilith chewed on his headset cord. The only thing that's holding me back from just being done with him is the fact that both are names are on that lease and I don't have the finances to be able to be done with him. When May comes around that may be a different story. I've been holding out before because I know what his ex girlfriend did, but my loyalty to him is slowly draining away.

It amuses me because I think he got mad that Ally and I were going on about Preston so much, but he'll be okay.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Update

Man it's been over a month since I last updated. In that time, I gone on "vacation" up north: Minnesota and Illinois. I never want to see a corn field again after riding though Illinois. I like Minnesota though. Seems like a very awesome place. I am contemplating Indiana University - Bloomington for their dual masters program in Library Science and History. At the same time though, I wanna just do GSU's Heritage Preservation Program and then go to Minnesota for their Ph.D. program. The biggest thing I'm worried about is my grades. I haven't really made As in my history classes. Bs and B+s are my main focus, which makes me wonder am I going to be competative enough to get into a history program. I essentially have to do kick ass in my last 4 history class to make myself look good, but I don't know if that will help.

In other fun news, we're moving and once again, it's to someplace within walking distance to MARTA. Hopefully this will make things better for me because driving to MARTA four mornings a week is killing me and putting unneeded miles on my car. Now I've just got to get everything turned on and such. What fun.