Progress?

So strangeness of strangeness, Ryan's mom called me this morning. She wanted to inform me that she doesn't dislike me although there had been some issues in the beginning. She said that she likes me as a person, and since I make him happy, that's all that matters to her, though she did acknowledge that Colleen would have been their choice for Ryan since he's their only son. How many parents are going to condone their college aged son dating a high schooler who is 4 years younger than him? But she said that at one point Ryan told her that I make him feel good, and that was good enough for her. Her line about never trying to hurt me was interesting though. And she also said she didn't know how Ryan's dad felt about things, but that he would never try to hurt me either. Interesting choice of words I must say. But I guess this is some type of progress. They'd still probably freak at us being engaged, although at this point I don't know why it'd surprise them.

Oh the things I listen to at 10 in the morning.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Sex Sells...

The following post will in no way be nice, or censored. There probably will be TMI. You've been warned.

I guess I can say I've been really intrigued by sex since I was about 11, though I've known about it since I was much younger and would half-sleep walk to the kitchen with the sounds of porn following me. But year 11/12 was a turning point. I actually sat down and watched porn on my own. Fun stuff that was, especially making sure I didn't get caught by my dad. Porn is the way I learned of masturbation and blow jobs (other than that one scene in Waiting to Exhale) and other than my friends, it was my second biggest source of info. My biggest? Romance novels. They kicked in around age 11 also. I was obsessed with them. By the time I sold the majority of my book collection in 2007, I had probably amassed and/or read over 300 romance novels in 9 or so years. Probably not that staggering of a number if you break it down, but considering it's not the only thing I read, I find that crazy.

But for most of that time, I felt that I was doomed never to have sex. I'm not attractive, and typically fall in the "friend" category with guys, which though it depressed me, I learned to deal with. Then at 19, I lost my virginity. To a one night stand no less. I still don't know why I did that. He was kind of a creepy guy in both looks and attitude. But whatever, I've only spoken to him like once since. Then I met Ryan, and we've been together for the past three years. I've said this before, and I'll say this again, I miss good sex. We used to have fun with it and could enjoy each other for a long time, but now it's hard just getting him to make out with me, let alone have sex. And even when we do, it's usually a 20 min thing and done. 20 mins being at the high side when foreplay is actually involved.

But since the decline in my sex life, I've taken to reading erotica, with my favourite site being Literotica. It is a really cool site that probably has something for everyone. Typically though, the only stores I read on there are black woman/white man, which probably isn't the best obsession considering my boyfriend isn't white. Nonetheless I've always had a thing for white guys, so this is right up my alley. The stores on there just sound like so much fun. Kinky sex in public bathrooms and at clubs and other such escapades. It makes me wish I wasn't in a relationship, so I could go experience it. Not saying I'd be a whore, though if I were a guy, I so would be. A bisexual manwhore.

But this semester has brought up something to me. I'm very intrigued by non-conventional sex. I guess I've kinda always known this, but writing a paper on sadomasochism just pointed it out more. Then I decided for NaNoWriMo next year, I want to write about a romance between a African-American call girl and a white businessman. Yep. That'd probably cause some issues for the people reading it, but that's another post I plan on doing. Over the weekend, I found more sex blogs to read, considering there are a large about of women out there blogging about their sex lives. Today while at the library, I decided to find books on prostitution (GSU has an interesting section on it, right after stuff on BDSM). I'm sure the guy who checked out my books probably thought I was weird, but I am just so fascinated with women who do sex work because they want to. Come to think of it, if I had the body for it, I would probably be a stripper. Maybe a call girl.

I know I'm weird.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.

"Stupid in Love"

Skip to the bottom for my comment if you don't wanna read this all

I've ALWAYS loved darker skin and a voluptuousness figure. Among other things, they're some of the aspects that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the most beautiful and sexy women on earth, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM often get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and even turned off at times by a man who expressed that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? What's your hold up? Because it IS YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating for me to come across that, because my heart's desire was simply to express my appreciation and love for their beauty, and speaking of it is one of the ways a man does so; yet they wouldn't let me because they were offended that I found their God-given features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense to me! I think often times, people don't know how to relax and be themselves and let others simply appreciate them. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment! There isn't always an ulterior motive or lack of depth behind it. Let us WM appreciate you with our compliments!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Everyone talks about "bein' real" these days, so let me be real: Of course we desire s*x with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease desiring s*x because we find you incredible? If I'm going to be thought of as having a f*tish, then it's a permanent one. I'm not apologizing for my God-given desires. Would you prefer to have my desire for you wane like the daylight? I'd think not! My desire is to be in a committed relationship with a BW and for her to desire me physically and sexually (and to express it to me) just as much as I desire her, and permanently so. It's not just about body and s*x, but it IS a significant aspect and just as important as the mind, the emotions, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring beautiful full lips, a big booty, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. I love your cute nose, your hair, your femininity, your spirit. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down - I always have. Why are some people attracted to blondes and others brunettes? Why do some like thin and others love curvy? My desires are what God Himself placed within me. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man and share with her how much I'm attracted to her and her beauty, and let me show that love and appreciation through my words the way I know how (as a man), then it would serve to help build trust and ultimately, relationship.

Now, I understand that a man needs to pay attention to the elements of boundary and tact, but at the same time, this shouldn't mean that he can't be free to express his appreciation for what he sees. We're not horses with blinders. We have eyes and minds to process what we see, and we're very visually oriented. Women desire intimacy and communication from men, ultimately speaking, but when a WM begins to express himself and what he loves and is attracted to in regard to BW, suddenly, it devolves into suspicion, fear, and defensiveness.

Now let me express my heart further... My heart's desire is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with a BW, to love her, to make her my queen, and to be her king. And please don't mock that statement. I'm not speaking of fairy tales, but two adults loving and investing in each other for life. Every couple has their issues to work through - that's life - but my desire is to be married to a BW and to build a good life and marriage, to build a family and a home with her, and to grow old together. None of these things in life are achieved without there first being a very strong desire to do so. Shall I go on? Yes, I want our relationship to be hot and passionate, but I also want it to serve as an example to others about the way God intended a man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. I want mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual intimacy with a BW. I mean, isn't relational intimacy what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Of course, s*x and physical attraction are also important, and I want both to be white hot, just like any BW would want. However, it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need the freedom to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. You're not an object to me. You're a woman first, a creation of God (and the most beautiful at that), you're a person with a beautiful heart and mind - thoughts and feelings, desires and goals, hopes and fears, victories and regrets, just as any other person. You're someone whose mind and strength I highly value and desire. You just so happen to have the physical and sexual qualities that drive me crazy! Yes, you have the incredible curves and brown skin that I love, OK? Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "f*tish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's simply a part of how I share and show my appreciation and love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it creates pain - it begins to wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love and appreciation. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love and appreciate each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't reject someone just because they desire to appreciate you.

Now, I understand that everything should be looked at with wisdom... there are those who are selfish and spend their lives hurting people. And no one wants to be used and abused. I understand that. People have their experiences and defenses according to what they've gone through. But friendship and love involve risk, and sometimes, we need to see a compliment simply for what is: a compliment and sincere desire.

I've always considered myself strong, but all of this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open and "real" as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for the benefit of the black women here so that you have the opportunity to perhaps learn something new and understand that my physical and sexual attraction to black women is not without a deeper desire for love and commitment. There are others like me. But not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may still be offended (although I wouldn't understand why, after everything I've said). And some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond s*x. Well, we do. But if you're uncomfortable with my words, with my desire and appreciation of your physical beauty, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human, too. --Zeta @ dawnali.com

Why can't I find this? *sigh* Granted I don't really feel that I'm attractive right now (though this is usually never), but still. I guess in a way I have this with Ryan, but I don't know. I don't even want some epic love story. I'm not even asking for the whole "one true love" thing. I just want a relationship where I wasn't second pick; where I don't get annoyed by so much that he does; where we can spend time together and he doesn't get on my nerves. I used to be able to spend time with Ryan and enjoyed it so much, but now, I just can't. His whiny, child-like nature just irks me. I want to scream "Act like a fucking grown-up. You're 21." But I can't, and I won't.

It's probably going to take a kick in the ass to stop considering his feelings over mine. I know how his ex-girlfriend hurt him, I was the one who put him together, and because of that, I feel this strange loyalty to the relationship regardless of if I'm happy or not. I've been told to stop worrying about him and his feelings considering I'm unhappy, but for some reason I can't. I love him dearly as a friend. We've been through a lot together. We survived me going to England for a year when we had only been together for about 9 months. Granted during all that time, I was still second choice. It wasn't until Colleen broke up with him that I became first because I was the one who stuck with him in spite of it all. Thinking about it now, I don't know what I was thinking. I was "stupid in love" and put all of my expectations into it, now I wish I had let it go.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.

Two Can Play That Game

You know for someone who says he doesn't like his family very much, Ryan can pull some bitch ass moves. Like last night, he was telling me that his sister was going to fix such-and-such for me for Thanksgiving, and I was just like, "You know I don't eat other people's cooking unless I know what's in it, because what people might think of as vegetarian really isn't." Of course, he got bitchy about that saying that me not eating at his family functions was rude, case in point one of the first family dinners I had with him. But he seems to conveniently forget that he told me to eat before we went; therefore, I wasn't hungry and didn't not want to try anything. I understand that his family thought it was rude, and I didn't mean for it to come off that way. Of course he didn't tell me until afterwards that they thought it was rude, so the next time a family dinner came around, I just made something for myself and ate it there.

But after I told him, I'm not going to eat something when I don't want to, he got all quiet and pissy, eventually storming off into our room. When I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed he wasn't upset, but nonetheless pretty much refused to speak to me. So before I walked out of the room, I informed him that from now on, we'll just do holidays seperate, so his family doesn't think I'm rude.

I'm tired of him trying to guilt trip me about this. Not even my own family pulls that shit. They know I'm vegetarian, and leave it at that. Sometimes they will cook stuff I can eat, but more often than not, they'll let me do whatever about my own eating habits. I'm thankful that his family tries to make something for me, and I don't have any issue with that, because that's really nice of them to do. I have tried stuff they've made or ordered, but there are a lot of things I won't automatically eat because I don't know how they were cooked. Like my dad, he didn't see any problem cooking corn or green beans with meat in the pot, and just said I could pick around it. I don't do that. There might be vegetarian's who do, but not me. Once he got the whole, "it's still got meat juice in it" he would cook it without. That's cool, and considering my daddy is one of the biggest meat eaters on earth, that was nice of him.

But Ryan doesn't get it. Not only does he guilt trip me about it, but I don't feel comfortable at his family gatherings. I know his parents don't like me, even though they're trying to be nice about things. It always just feels like I'm an outsider observing what's going on, and if I wanted to do that, I'd just go be with my own family, like I'll be doing this year. And of course he also forgot the fact that he doesn't like to split the same holiday between families, for whatever reason. His parents have people coming in from out of town for Christmas, but since we spent last Christmas with them, it was my parents turn. I just said oh well, and he gave me such a look because if we were following what had been established the previous year, he couldn't spend this Christmas with his family. That didn't fly with him, but last Christmas when I wanted to go see my family on Christmas day, he wouldn't come with me, although we had spent Christmas Eve with his. Problem with this? I think so.

He is such a punk ass bitch.

Realisations

I have determined that I am no longer in love with history thanks to GSU. Northumbria made me love it, especially when it came to women's history. Made me want to study it for a Ph.D. in it too, but GSU has taken all the love out of it. I still love my specialized areas like miscegenation and Plains Indians Wars and European dynasties. I have no clue how I reconcile those let alone go on to do something like graduate school. In fact I don't think I'm going to grad school anymore. I don't know what I want so why waste the money and resources? I'll just try and find a job in Atlanta and leave it at that.

Right now I just wish I was more focused on school. I have a feeling this semester will be my worst semester ever and what makes that knowledge worse is the fact that I didn't have to put myself through this. If GSU had given me the right track this would be my last semester. I guess I can just reconcile myself with the fact that it at least gave me a minor I love and I'm really good at. Unfortunately it's too late to switch majors or I would. Sociology is what I'm good at but I discovered that too late as with everything I love regarding school.

Now the question is where do I go from here?

The Laziness

I have been extremely lazy the last two days. Well I should say ever since I finished my draft of my prospectus. So far I've cleaned a little, went on a walk, started reading a romance novel, and went to a hockey game. The Thrashers game was awesome, though they didn't pick up themselves up until the 3rd period. Then we went into overtime, where it stayed tied until the shoot out where our players Peverley and Kozlov scored our two goals while St. Louis Blues scored nothing. Although I must say, their goalie Ty Conklin kicked ass. Out of 40 shots on him, he only let in 2 goals. We still love Moose though.

Ally and I are watching a film that's partially based in Newcastle, and of course we're missing the place. I wish I could go back during Spring Break, but I doubt I'd have the money.

Pure and Utter BS

So apparently I was talking ill of his parents by saying that they wanted him to come over and help them instead of him going to Pride? Maybe I'm missing something here, but how is that speaking ill of them? I already know they're racist and didn't say anything about that, nor did I say they were bigots, which they very well could be, but I don't know. So I'm just a little confused by the whole speak ill of them thing. There are so many more things I could say about them, and at times have said about them. But his main issue was that I said this in front of Ally, and therefore it was disrespectful to him. If I was calling his parents names or something, I could understand that, but I must truly be missing something.

And then he's upset because Ally knows he owes me money, and feels that that's something that should stay between us. His pride might not let him tell others about him owing me money, but there's no pride issue on my side, so yes, I told my best friend about it. But he saw no problem with telling one of his classmates that we don't have sex that often. Double standard here much? As long as he's known me, he's known there are certain things that aren't private to me. I will admit I'm in debt and that I rarely have an orgasm from penetration. That isn't a big deal to me, but he can't be a man about things and just say this to my face. He has to use it as venom in a war that apparently he gets to decide when it ends.

But you know I just loved it when he said, "We can make excuses for your behaviour and attitude for only so long. But in the end either buy a "filter" or find a way to keep the attitude in check." Oh really? Mr. I'd rather not deal with my problems at all, or I get pissy when things don't go my way. And I just love it when he declared the conversation over with. Really? Okay. Screw him.

Bitch Fit

I think I'm about 5 seconds away from snapping on him. He just makes it so easy with his little bullshit comments. Like tonight I asked him what was up with the attitude and he's saying I've had an attitude since he came in. Considering I was laughing and joking with Ally much of the time, how was I the one with the attitude? He came in and went straight to the bedroom without saying anything. I could also tell he didn't like what Ally had to say about why Lilith chewed on his headset cord. The only thing that's holding me back from just being done with him is the fact that both are names are on that lease and I don't have the finances to be able to be done with him. When May comes around that may be a different story. I've been holding out before because I know what his ex girlfriend did, but my loyalty to him is slowly draining away.

It amuses me because I think he got mad that Ally and I were going on about Preston so much, but he'll be okay.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

*Sad Face*

So today I found out that the Northumbria program actually has a track for History students. This was of course something we weren't informed of, and I could have graduated this semester because on that track I didn't need a minor nor did I need the typical history classes. I hate GSU right now. I'm so glad I'm getting out of here in May. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do.

Right now the only thing I want to do is go back to Europe either Cadiz or Newcastle. I need to back where I felt free, and I don't feel that here. I've felt wrong and out of place ever since I got back. I need an out.

Cadiz



Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

I Get Off On You...

This post will probably totally be TMI, but I miss good sex. What I mean by this is sex that I want to have more of even right after we finish. Granted all the stories I've been reading probably doesn't exactly help, but everyone has to have great sex at some point in time right? I've never had great sex, good yes, great no. Then again, I've only had sex with two guys, one a virgin, so I can't exactly fault him on that. Even so, great sex would be so awesome right now.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Update

Man it's been over a month since I last updated. In that time, I gone on "vacation" up north: Minnesota and Illinois. I never want to see a corn field again after riding though Illinois. I like Minnesota though. Seems like a very awesome place. I am contemplating Indiana University - Bloomington for their dual masters program in Library Science and History. At the same time though, I wanna just do GSU's Heritage Preservation Program and then go to Minnesota for their Ph.D. program. The biggest thing I'm worried about is my grades. I haven't really made As in my history classes. Bs and B+s are my main focus, which makes me wonder am I going to be competative enough to get into a history program. I essentially have to do kick ass in my last 4 history class to make myself look good, but I don't know if that will help.

In other fun news, we're moving and once again, it's to someplace within walking distance to MARTA. Hopefully this will make things better for me because driving to MARTA four mornings a week is killing me and putting unneeded miles on my car. Now I've just got to get everything turned on and such. What fun.

It's Almost a Full Moon...

Things have been so crazy lately. Ryan's dad was putting up opposition to us moving. My mom was doing the same. It took practically begging, pleading and arguing with her to let me borrow the money. But now we wait. They have to check our credit and employment verification. I'm not worried about my credit so much as Ryan's. If his issues with being late show up, his credit won't get approved. We're already walking a fine line considering we barely make enough and my credit score is low. Hopefully he hasn't ruined his. Life just feels so crazy right now especially when it comes to money. Here's to hoping things go according to plan.

Where do I go from here?

I think I'm starting to lose my drive for things. My indecisiveness regarding where to go for school and if I really want to go for history is making me think about just not going. Seems like a waste of effort. Then there's my whole job thing. I really want to get another, but it seems like little things, besides the economy, is preventing that. In a way, I'm really hoping I get HOPE, so I won't have to worry about money so much, which in turn means worrying about my job less. Like today, I gave away my shift because the girl who asked me has given up quite a few shifts for me, plus I have two tests tomorrow and a reading response to write. However, my need for money really wonders why I just did that because if I don't get a Saturday shift, or switch shifts with her on Sunday, I've essentially lost 4 hours of work, or $33. And though school is important, and I really want to make As in those classes, I can't completely justify it. I just feel stuck, and the longer I stay where I'm at, the more I sink and the harder it is to care.

Some people...

It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad. Ryan's dad gave him money to pay off his $1300 credit card debt. Gave him $500 from the get-go. Ryan spent $100 of it going out and such. As far as I know, he still hasn't pay Citi though they call every day because he's over his credit line. He got paid Friday. $230 or so dollars to be exact. He owes DirecTV $204, and they're going to cut off service Thursday if he doesn't pay. Guess what he still hasn't paid. We also lost our renter's insurance because he "forgot" to pay, but he got pissy when I went ahead and got it back by paying for it myself. He claims he was going to get it reinstated Friday, yet somehow I don't believe/trust him. He now owes me $520 and if I don't start seeing some of my money real soon, I'm going to start tacking on interest. His computer has been accruing it since May, which is the bulk of what he owes me. Hmm, that's $5.50 a month for every month he doesn't pay. After this month, I'll be tacking on another $11 to what he owes me.

I thought I sucked at keeping my finances in check. The shit he's pulling is some bull and if things are this bad now, I can only imagine them if we were to get a house with a mortgage. Hell I'm not even sure I want to have another apartment with him. Unfortunately it's either him or going back to Dalton.

Stupid body...

I don't get what's wrong with me. I try to workout and eat within my calorie allotment, and I still gain weight. I'm up to 236 now. Almost 100 lbs. in a little over a year. But it's like no matter what I do, it doesn't work. And I know that weight isn't muscle because my scale measures body fat percentage. I am so close to just starving myself so I'll stop gaining.

EDIT: Now that my little pity party is over, I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how to eat even less than I do now. I used to be able to get away with eating once a day and be done with it. I must get back to that. I mean I've tried the whole eat small portions, and eat low fat, and all that bullshit and it's obviously not working. I guess during fall semester, I'll have to start getting off at King Memorial Station and walking from there in the mornings. Damn, that means I've gotta switch bags again. But it's about a mile so it'll be plenty of exercise for that time.

So Not in the Mood...

So this morning, Ryan said his parents wanted us to come to dinner around 8. First I'm hearing of this, but it solidified my decision not to take a coworker's shift (other than Denart had majorly annoyed me). However, he neglected to tell me we weren't going until like 3:30. So when I brought up the fact that we were supposed to go to the pub, he suddenly remembered that I had asked him to go Wednesday, but things being what they are, I didn't feel like going anymore. So, later on I suggested us going to Vortex, but by the time he wanted to leave, I didn't feel like it anymore. So he gets all huffy and mad and tells me not to ask him to go anywhere else. Besides the fact, I don't know what is with him when he's here and his friends are around, but he can be such a dick. But he doesn't get why I don't want to go anywhere with him right now.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

I'm really hoping I can start to reinvent myself little by little. It would really help if I were less indecisive. However, I guess it's the little things that count until I can get to the big stuff, and the first thing on that list is learning to be happy with myself. I think I need to come to accept I may never get back down to a size 12. My current life circumstances don't quite permit it, but I'm still going to try to change in little ways, even if it's just cutting back on certain things I love.

My second thing is accepting that I am not happy where I'm at, especially when it comes to work. It's a job that never really seems to have any rewards, even for just personal merit. The managers there don't care as much about their staff as they need to. Just like, they didn't tell me they didn't like my work ethic in the beginning. I was never spoken to, but it started to show itself in little ways. And various job opportunities keep present themselves to me, though sometimes I am late in getting the message. I hope that the next job I try and get will become mine, but if it doesn't there will be others. I need to get away from Olive Garden, because I know, when you dread going into work, you're not where you're supposed to be.

Third thing is my living situation. Living in Lithonia is not working for me. I am more sedentary out here than I have been in since high school, and that is something else that reflects itself in my weight. I was not meant to be a rural/suburban girl. I love living in a city where there's life and awesome people. That's why I loved the major cities of Europe that I went to. Even the one's that weren't on a large scale like Cadiz made me love them because of the spirit of them. I would love to move back to the area I was in in Buckhead, though from what I've heard it's gotten worse. Living in those apartments and walking up that hill, second best place I lived as far as getting around. Newcastle will always be the ultimate. I couldn't even think about a car, so I walked everywhere I had to, or took public transportation. The mind set I'm in here isn't working and something's gotta give, and I'll be damned if it's me.

Fourth is becoming organized. I have so many things I could possibly want to do after I graduate, and the worst part is, I can't decide. I hate being indecisive, but I can't seem to not be. Before May rolls around, I need to have at least my next year decided. But it seems like new ideas are always presenting themselves to me, like going to a grad school here, or pick up a second bachelor's degree, or going to school overseas. I want to do all, and even though I know I can't, I can't decide. Sometimes I think it's a matter of how selfish I want to become, and really considering some of my financial issues right now, I'm thinking I need to become more selfish anyway. I can't help feeling though that I'm meant to help others, but I know, that's how things have always been.

And although I'm not religious, this quote speaks volumes to me:
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.

I need all of those right now because I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm going to get there, but I know I need to leave this life behind.

Whew!

I hate it when a plan falls apart, but love working on trying to figure out a new one. So the plan to take Ryan's Ford fell apart because his defiance of his dad basically didn't work like he thought it was going to. Luckily I was with Pavi today, and we think we've created a suitable new plan. We're going to drive my car up, and rent a car. I will drive up over night with Pavi and probably Ally, while Ced, CJ, and Ryan will drive up the next day. That way one leaseholder is there on the 7th to pick up the keys like was needed too. Pavi and Ced will still have someone to help them with stuff, while Ryan, Ally, and I move on to Minnesota for the weekend. Here's to hoping this plan works. My head is starting to hurt from plans falling through.

"That is not it at all. That is not what I meant at all."

Today is one of those days that I know I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, and part of my brain is screaming for me to get over it. After ranting about Ryan and eating something I shouldn't have, I've realised, probably yet again, this isn't where I want to be. I'm in a relationship that I feel is going nowhere, and I know that the love he's showing towards me, I'm no longer reciprocating. I hate how I look, and rarely even feel pretty anymore, even when I dress up. I hate being fat, but for some reason, don't really have the willpower to do something about it. Sometimes I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to be, but then I think about the fact that I got down to a size 12 in the first place. I want to have a peaceful night's sleep, or even a decent night's sleep. I feel so lost right now, and as much as I'd love to blame it on PMS, I know I can't. My life isn't where I want it to be, but I have no clue how to change it. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. It's not even that I want to die, just not exist. I almost wish I could just pack up and leave and start over somewhere else where I could make myself into whoever I wanted to be. I just want out.

This is why you can't help some people...

I am a generous person with my money at times and if a friend tells me they don't have the money to cover something, if I can afford it, I will try to help. However, Ryan is working my last nerve. First off, there was helping him get his new computer, to the tune of $410. He's paid me back $80 of that, and doesn't know when he's going to pay me the rest. He owes me $80 for our hotel room, bring what he owes me back up to $410. This morning, he couldn't pay all of his portion of our cell phone bill, leaving me to pick up the slack since today was the due date (he thought he could just wait to pay that last $10 he owed). Then tonight, we went to Quik Trip. He neglected to tell me he didn't bring his wallet, and so, as we're at the counter, I'm waiting for him to pay and he then tells me that he didn't bring it, meaning I'm covering his tab. If he had told me he didn't bring it before then, that would have been one thing, but just expecting me to pay for it because I asked you to come with me, that's a whole other can of worms.

I know I'm not the most financially responsible person, and for someone who's almost 22, I have quite a bit of debt if you count student loans, but this is crazy. He's barely making rent ($370) and paying bills late for reasons I don't understand considering he makes about $1000 a month. He stresses about paying his credit card bills (which for the hell of it let's say he puts $100 on each of them). And his other bills are DirecTV, our cell phone, and half of Georgia Power (about $80, $80, and $40 respectively). Now that equals $770, leaving him $230 for food and gas, and considering he doesn't buy groceries, his parents give him food, plus they pay him to mow their yard, and I will buy him food, where the fuck is his money going? And not only that, why the fuck would you stay with a bank that makes sure they send you into overdraft every chance they get considering it's $35 per charge you go over? Am I missing something here?

He likes to say, "You have your mom helping you pay rent" and "I don't have a second credit card like you" which is true. My mom is helping me pay my rent because I have a part time job that I'm lucky if I make $100 a week off of, but I still have to pay bills with that measly amount and eat and put gas in my car. I have a second credit card that my school books and food and such go on. They've still gotta be paid back at some point in time. But he's going to get bitchy with me, and still bring up the fact that I didn't help him pay for his Xbox, but yet turned around and helped him get a new computer to the tune of 4Xs more than I was going to help him with the Xbox. No one told him to buy that damn game system. I helped him with his computer because he needed it with him about to go back to school, and him claiming he was going to pay me back quickly. That was two months ago.

Right now I'm owed a little over $700 between him and my dad, with his portion accruing interest the longer it's on my credit card. I am so close to flipping my shit on him when it comes to money. Now I really understand why my mom made sure she had as few things as possible with my dad, because if he is anything like this, she would have been crazy to.

Decisions, Decisions

Partly through my own fear, and partly through my growing interest in doing something positive (and I guess, non-selfish) with my life, I'm re-evaluating going to grad school for history. Granted that is something I really wanted to do, but thinking about it, I'm not going to use the degree because I don't want to teach. It almost seems like a waste of the school's money and resources. I think my biggest reason for going is just to get out of Georgia. Second is pursuing what I want to do. Then again, since I was little, I've wanted to help people who were less fortunate. In fact, I used to want to adopt 14 kids from all different nationalities and backgrounds. I've done like a 180 on the whole kids thing, though sometimes I still want to adopt kids.

Of course, my back-up plan is to become a social worker. Well that was my plan all along, but that'd be bumped up. Minnesota has a graduate social work, and they say they're one of the best in the country. My only thing is I don't know how that'd translate to me working in another state, especially Georgia, but I feel like I need to come back to Georgia to help since I was born and raise here.

God, I hate making decisions.

Starting Over... Again

So we're gonna try this again. I'm trying to exercise on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. Don't know how well that will go. I've tried it the past couple of weeks and something manages to throw me off. I think I'm going to have to start getting up with Ryan and just working from there. It's not like I get much sleep after he leaves anyway.

I tried out my new bike today. It rides well, but man does it hurt my crotch/butt area. I think I'm going to need more padding. It seems like the padding on there is the type for guys anyway, or at least I thought women's cushions were supposed to have more. I really want to ride a bike decently again. I figure I probably don't have a whole lot of stamina for it considering it's been years since I last rode, plus I'm in the second worst physical state of my life (1st if you're going by sheer poundage, 2nd if we're going by size I fit in). I even bought healthy food today like hummus, strawberries and veggie cheese.

Vegetarian cheese tastes a little dry or at least the shreds I had did, but I didn't much notice a taste difference. This week I'm going to try and eat somewhat healthier, at least on school days. Smoothie King is awesome. They have so many varieties of smoothies, though I've really only tried two of their pineapple ones, and their chocolate protein shake. The chocolate shake had an odd taste in the beginning, but you get used to it after a few sips.

I think my biggest thing is going to be water consumption. I will not drink the water in the apartment because it tasted nasty. Maybe I should try it now. Ryan seems to have no problem with it, though who knows what actually tastes bad to him. So I guess I'll give it another shot because unless I boil massive amounts of water, which would be way too much hassle, or go back to buying gallons of water, which considering I could get them for less than a dollar isn't bad.

Here's to trying yet again. I want most of this weight gone by next year. It took me less than a year to gain it, so hopefully it'll take me a year or so to lose it.

Revelations at 1 in the morning

I think I've come to the second biggest revelation of this relationship (hmm maybe 3rd): I don't think he finds me attractive anymore. I've been asking myself why our sex life sucks so much, why he doesn't kiss me as much as he used to, and tonight when he bluntly stated "Go get it somewhere else" after I asked why he doesn't like having sex anymore, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I always thought it was odd he was attracted to me, but I also thought that was just the self-deprecation talking. Now I guess I have a self-fulfilling prophecy. As he so harshly stated, I'm not going to go get it somewhere else. I guess it's back to my old asexual self until either he's attracted again (which I doubt) or we break up and I find someone else. God I swear my luck gets shittier every freaking year. Or maybe life is just telling me it's time to get out of this relationship. I keep getting signs but I'm still here. There are so many random little things preventing me from leaving, and yet I could probably talk down all of them. I guess I just wish things had worked out in a better fashion. All his words of last week mean naught when I'm not who he wants (in this case physically) and there's no way I ever could be. C'est la vie. Or maybe just as poetical: que sera, sera.

The Post of Random

Things to ramble about:

1. What the hell is with Atlanta drivers? First this speeding Asian lady almost took me out when I was in the crosswalk (one of the few times I was actually crossing with the light like I was supposed to). Then this guy decided to drive up Piedmont the wrong way. People are freaking crazy.

2. This has been the most boring semester possible. Sexual and intimate violence should be boring. Neither should social problems. The only class I like is Families and Society, probably because I get to talk about adultery, which of course is going to be one of my topics in my dissertation.

3. I totally do not want to write my statement of purpose. I know I've got to, but this is the one time I hate talking about myself. Plus I've gotta start thinking about the GRE. Why all this bullshit just to get in a school? It should not be this hard, nor should it cost that much.

4. I meet this sweet guy on IMVU. For a 20 year old, he seems so clueless, then again he's never had a girlfriend and is also a virgin. It's cute. Plus he's a romantic. Poor kid. He's going to be so disillusioned about love, probably by the current girl he's in love with. It's going to suck when that happens.

5. I think my sex drive is too high or something. I really shouldn't want sex as much as I do, or maybe it's being deprived so much that causes this. I miss the sex I had a couple of years ago. (God it's scary thinking like that.) Something's gotta give or I'm gonna go crazy soon.

6. I find it interesting people keep asking me what's going to happen between me and Ryan when I leave. It's like when have I been able to predict the future? We been through being separated once, so maybe that will bode well for this time, maybe not. This time is going to be 5 to 7 years, with little physical presence. So honestly, I don't know.

A New Direction

So yesterday and today, I got in touch with my potential dissertation advisor at the University of Minnesota. The process start is becoming a little surreal. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket though, so I need to find a back up school. That would probably be either Indiana University, Northern Illinois University, University of Maryland, or University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill. Chapel Hill was my original choice for grad school, but I've decided I want to be further out of the South. I've lived here almost all my life, and I just feel like I need something new.

I've been going stir-crazy ever since I came back from England. All I can think about is how much I miss it and how much I'd love to get away again. Grad school is my legitimate excuse right now. A doctorate take somewhere between five and eight years to complete. If I go straight in next year, I'll be between 28 and 31 when I finish. It's kind of scary to think how much of life will have been committed to school.

Sina brought up today the fact that with me being gone for that long, he doesn't think Ryan and I will last because we'll drift apart. I've had that thought too, especially since he won't be able to get away from work often. Me being in England was stressful on us. I can only imagine what being separated that long will do. More than likely it'll break us up. I definitely won't be surprised if it does. In fact, I'll probably suggest that we see other people. I don't want him to put his life on hold for me, especially considering he's got 4 years of school.

Most of all though, I'm scared of something new, yet craving it at the same time. I think I know where I want to go with my life, but the question is will I achieve it.

Crash and...

So he and I managed to talk last night. I ended up going off on him in a way, and told him not to dare blame me for her not being able to play her own game. There was much silence on his end, though he did answer the questions I put to him. My brain still doesn't want to let go of the fact that he called her his greatest happiness. I ended up breaking down and crying like a baby. At that point he apologised for things, and said stuff like I am his world and mean everything to him. That he loves me with all his heart. We even ended up having make up sex. I don't know what to do though. Right now I'm just biding my time and seeing how things go. I don't know if he's actually going to communicate with me more/better. I don't know anything right now.

Still I Rise...

I have decided I am not going to let what he said get me down. Granted he cloaked his statuses in ambiguity, but I knew who he was talking about. I'm sure some others have figured it out too. I am going to take this and work with it. We are still financially linked until the end of September, and I'm okay with that. I can make it until then. Granted I'll need to start building my back-up plan beforehand. Who would have thought a 2.5 year relationship with a year and counting engagement would end this way? But I am resilient. I will rise. I will prevail.

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And the truth is revealed...

If I didn't know it already, these comments/statuses on Ryan's behalf (When I think about it, you're part of the reason I am the way I am. Be wary of what you say, I will retaliate one day.) and (Funny you can say that. You were a cause to the end of my greatest happiness.)let me know, our relationship is basically over.

To me, considering the fact that we're engaged, I should be his greatest happiness, but I guess that's not true. Funny to think she's turning 18 next year. Maybe they'll get back together. Now I've just got to find my way out.

I'm still not giving back my ring though. Screw that.

I'm the only one who cares...

So today, almost right after I woke up, I started think about all the food I had eaten this weekend, none of it exceedingly healthy. I also weighed myself and what I had guessed was what the scale reflected (232.6). I mean it's still surprising I'm wearing a size 18 considering when I was younger and weighed less I was hitting a size 20/22, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But this morning what I basically realised was that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm the only one who truly cares.

My mom "cares" because she's been trying to change me all my life. Ryan cares, I'm guessing, because some things aren't how they used to be. I'm the one this is truly affecting. I'm the one who is unhappy with the way things have gone. So it's up to me to actually do something about it. Time to stop blaming this circumstance and that. Yeah, my weight loss before was accidental, so this time it's just going to have to be deliberate. I'm tired of feeling guilty after I eat something I like because it probably pushed me over my calories for the day. I'm tired of looking at myself and critiquing everything I see.

I don't know how long my resolve will stick, but I'm hoping I'll at least make some improvement in things.

Stream of Consciousness

So yesterday was interesting. After Ryan got off work, we went over to his parents' house to help set up a gazebo. I didn't even join in until later, but damn if that wasn't tiring. Poor Ryan having to do the majority of it by himself. But after it was finished, his parents took us out to dinner. Go figure.

And it took two weeks, but we finally did the do again. It's so weird. It's like we're suffering lesbian bed death, and we've only been together 2.5 years (I have no clue what that's called for a straight couple). We've gotten way too comfortable with things I guess. Sex is never really different. Who knows? But I did feel a little better about things after last night and this morning. I'm not quite in the "I don't love you anymore" stage. I think I'm hovering somewhere near it though, but closer on the side of "I still love you." It's so hard to put a name to that feeling.

I don't think I like Miranda anymore though. I still like joking around with her, but the feeling of actually liking her is gone, probably because I don't see her as much now.

At work, we're up to 17 hosts. 17. WTF? We have enough host to run a server shift at OG. This is so crazy. Even one of the servers I was talking to thought that was crazy. But I think the new guy is leaving at the end of the summer, thank the gods. Denart is supposed to be leaving soon too, but I don't really know. They might as well make Dana a full on server. Then again, if I could find a job with either better pay or steadier hours, I'd probably go for it at this point. I'll only have been at OG for a year come the beginning of August. I think it's hard for me to stay at a job for a long time, my longest being 1.5 years.

It's so weird to think that it's been almost two years since I left for England. Two years since things started changing so much for me. God I miss it there. I miss walking everywhere and the way the school was ran, and having crazy roommates. I miss Smoothies and their awesome Mexican style burrito. I miss the Subway by the church. I miss Primark and their lovely clothes and prices. I miss the Metro and ASDA and Tesco. I miss being able to see the Tyne River and the "Slug" out my window. I just plain miss it. I think I'm going to start a blog and post a picture a day from when I was overseas.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.

Boredom

So it's school time again. I shall not have fun this semester. Gonna have so much work to do in the next two months, and then back to school in mid-August. At least I get to get out of the state at the beinning of August. Going to Illinois and Minnesota both school type related, though I am totally going to Mall of America when we get to Minneapolis. I'm so excited to be going up north. Never been to Minnesota, and totally can't wait to go. Hopefully it will be awesome.

Ramblings

So I start summer school tomorrow. My one and only time of taking summer school and I'm already dreading it. 3 classes lasting 2:45 a piece. Shoot me now.

I'm starting to wonder is something up with Ryan. Yet again we haven't had sex in like a week and he won't give me anything more than quick pecks when he's kissing me. The sex thing doesn't really bother me, but the kissing thing does. That's never been like him. Really I just figure that we're growing apart and maybe he's starting to realise it. We'll see.

Work

So I asked today about why old people were getting less days than new people. Debbie gave me this talk of our GSS scores and such leading to that. In essence, seniority means nothing here. She also used me as an eample saying that I used to be more interesting in chatting and leaving than doing my job, but now I'm working hard. Go figure not giving a damn about your job can make you more efficient.

Kienon had some of his money disappear today. Michelle and I have the suspicion that it was the new busser. Who knows?

Lalalala

So I have upgraded to a swankier new layout. I love purple way too much. Still have no clue where this love came from. It seems to have started freshman year of university. (Calling school university is something I just haven't been able to get out of my system from England. Also asking people what are they're on about. *Sigh* I miss England). I want to go back so bad. I'm jealous of Nicole. She's going back this summer to see her boyfriend. They are so cute together. ...That was totally off topic. 

Anyway, tomorrow Pavi and I are supposed to be going walking, I think around Stone Mountain. This shall be fun considering it's a 5 mile walk. Oh boy. 

I must say, I work with some very interesting people. We get into some interesting conversations, like today's topic was porn and what we like/dislike in guys and girls. Carter is an awesome dude. Miranda, I still haven't figured her out. She gives off this bi vibe, but says she likes penis... a lot. Who knows. 

Anyway, that's my rambling of the night.

Reflection

It's kinda scary when a story you're reading brings back so many memories. This particular one is about being the other woman and the fucked up emotions it entails. I was the other woman for a year, and just like the character in the story, couldn't seem to find a way out. I was an emotional wreck from it, but I still stayed because I loved him and hoped that one day he would see the light. Granted he never really did though we did end up together. I've always had the feeling that I was just second choice considering she broke up with him. He has said that he loves me more than he loved her, but then I remember that he wouldn't leave her for me despite the fact that in many ways, I was the better choice for him. She broke up with him, and he fell back on me because I was the one who was always there for him. It almost makes me wonder where we would be if she hadn't broken up with him. I can hope that I'd be out of that situation with him, but honestly, I don't know. And now, I feel like I can see where she was coming from. He's been the only boyfriend I ever had and we're engaged. He's the only guy I've slept with more than once (considering my grand total is two guys). I kinda feel like this wasn't meant to be and that's the reasons I have so many doubts about us. I love him, though I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him. I think that's part of the reason I want to go to grad school so bad. To see something else. Maybe meet someone else. This relationship has been falling apart for a while, I almost think we're holding on to it because we're afraid of letting go. *Sigh* I hate emotions sometimes.

So...

I've probably made the most expensive clothing purchase outside of me buying my wedding dress. I bought a pair of $100 walking shoes. They're supposed to increase the effectiveness of walking because they keep you off balance and kinda feel like walking through sand. My balance must have already been a little screwy because they're not really messing with my balance at all. Hmm, we'll see if this was a sound investment or not after I go walking today.

Job Hunting

So I applied to Kroger and Rainbow today. Hopefully something will come up considering OG is getting on my last damn nerve. One day when everyone else has like 3 or more? What the fuck? It's such bullshit from the management. I'm hoping for Kroger especially since it's just right up the road from me, and then there's one up the road from the apartment complex I wanna look at. So here's to hoping.

*Sigh*

I'm starting to think I should just give up on the whole weightloss thing right now. Mentally I care that I'm way over what I should be, and I do want to get back down to a smaller size again, even just a 14 would be nice, but I hate working out, and there has yet to be anything to make me enjoy it. I prefer having someone to go with me, and Ryan said he would, but that has only happened like once. Otherwise he just plays his video games. I've been hovering in this same 3 to 4 pound area since the beginning of the month. I guess I should be glad I'm no longer gaining. I had gained 30 lbs. since January when I thought I was on a path of trying to lose. I really think the biggest problem is where we live. I have to drive most everywhere, when for the past two years, I had to walk most everywhere. I hate having to drive and want to move to another complex that is in better walking distance of stores and such. Once again, gotta get Ryan to actually come see the apartments with me, considering it's where he would be living after I go to grad school. It makes me sad that I've gained all this (part of which I blame on my job and having late hours there, part on just me in general). Another part of me is sad that I can't bring myself to exercise without someone else because I hate exercising so much. Even if Ryan would go on walks with me, it'd be helpful, but I can't even get him to hang out with me most of the time, let alone exercise with me.

Tatted up

God I want my tattoos so bad. Too bad I don't have the money right now, and can't really save up either. But when I get it/them they shall be awesome. I think I found the shop I wanna see if I can get it done at. If not I might see if they can work on my back. I want to add "Corrupt my hope/In joyous hell" above and below the dragons. *sigh* Adding to my back shall be interesting. I don't really know what could be added to them, but then again that's what artists are for.

Weekends...

5 days since my last update in which time I've probably driven a little over 500 miles, been to Dalton (aka Hell) twice, been to a graduation, gotten weird amounts of sleep, and gotten a kitten (who is being named after the mother of all demons Lilith). I hate work, which is nothing new. Being bitched at two days in a row by managers just annoys me and makes me want to leave OG more. Debbie has no clue what the hell she's doing half the time, and Sarah becomes very condescending when she has to be a manager. Hopefully the end of this job and start of another will come soon.

Blah...

So yesterday I had to go to my cousin's graduation. Funny, I didn't get a party or anything when I graduated. In fact, I don't remember that many family members showing up. And of course my mother thought it would be fun to talk about the fact that my cousin got a 100,000 scholarship o the school he went to. She really doesn't get why I didn't get scholarships to go to the second biggest public university in Georgia. Luckily tuition has been covered for the last 4 years. I've just gotta figure out what to do about this upcoming year. HOPE runs out after this summer. Fun times.

Now is not the time...

So I got the essentials replaced today. Luckily I got to keep my number. That would have been a pain in the ass to change it. 

Boys, however, are seriously getting on my fucking nerves. First the Turkish guy keeps bugging me about pics of me. If I haven't given you some in like 3 weeks, why the fuck do you keep asking? To say the least, he's quite annoying. Then there's Ryan. He apparently doesn't like someone disagreeing with him considering he stuck his finger in my face and then said shut it. It's the second time in two days he's raised his voice at me, and the next time will not be pretty. It's not my fault he doesn't consider Asian Indians to be Asian. Guess what? It's within the continent of Asia, therefore, the people born there are Asian. 

To top things off, I've gotta go to Dalton tomorrow for my cousin's graduation. The cousin I dislike the most because of all the bullshit he's pulled and my mother's favoritism towards him.

Really?

So my niceness got my phone stolen today. I understand that we're having harsh economic times, but really? You act like you're calling somebody for a ride and then run with my phone? Pussy ass bitch. I'd be more okay with it if it didn't have my dad's bank account number and possibly Ryan's social security number. Let's hope the dumb asses don't figure out what they are. I guess I should just be glad he didn't steal my wallet. Then I would have been in deeper shit.

Blahness

I feel a little better having exercised now. I almost wish I just didn't have to eat. I mean I've gone 48 hours without eating before but that was because I was under emotional stress. I feel so whiny. People say get up and do it, but I guess it's because I didn't have to try the first time around that makes this so difficult. I was forced to exercise to get where I needed to go. Now I have a car that can take me to the grocery store 1.5 miles away or drive me to the train station. That's why I wish we didn't live here. I want to be back near downtown, or nearer the Marta station so I can just walk. Problem is he doesn't want to move. He'd rather just not think about it. 

I need to lose between 6 and 8 pounds by 6 June. Let's hope I can kick my ass into gear.

Random Thoughts

Drinking wine is so weird. I really don't like the taste of alcohol. I'm so weird. I kinda wish I did like it, so I would fit in more, but then again I kinda like being able to still be coherent when other people are drunk off their asses.

In other news, Josh did say that he'd go with me. Yay. Makes the idea of finding an apartment or something a lot less daunting than before. Who knows, maybe he'll end up going to school there too.

I feel so lost right now. I don't feel like I belong here. I've gained 90 pounds in 10 months. I miss the size I used to be. Trying to get back down to it has become daunting considering I didn't try to lose weight in the first place. I miss England and Spain. I miss school not weighing on me as much and being able to rome around outside at 4 am with no one to bother me. I miss not having to drive to get places because walking and public transit worked just fine. I wish I could go back to then and tell my current self what not to do. Maybe then I'd be okay.

The Future

Basically, I can't wait to get out of Georgia and move on with my life. I feel like I'm at a stalemate here. I really don't know what's going to happen with Ryan and me. Five years (at the least) is a long time to be seperated from a person, and considering how things were before, it will be interesting to see if we make it. 

I'm banking on Minnesota. I have no clue how I'm gonna do it by myself, but it's where I want to go. Granted I'm still kinda hoping Josh will want to come with. I miss being around his craziness, plus I know he is absolutely the one person I can depend on even when we're far apart. Our friendship has survived years and crazy relationships and major distance and not talking. I don't think anything could ruin it, and for that I'm grateful. 

Apartments in downtown Minneapolis aren't cheap, and they seem so much small than what I'm used to now. We're currently living in an almost 900 sq.ft. apartment, 20 miles from downtown Atlanta, paying $740 a month for rent and water. Looking there, I'm doing good to get 600 or 700 sq.ft. for that, granted they typically have heat, water, gas, and trash pickup included. 

I've still gotta get a truck though. That far north, a car won't do me much good. Plus I'd rather have a truck to transport stuff. Carrying things in my Camry has made me realise that. Hopefully my dad can find me something. I can't wait.