Stupid body...

I don't get what's wrong with me. I try to workout and eat within my calorie allotment, and I still gain weight. I'm up to 236 now. Almost 100 lbs. in a little over a year. But it's like no matter what I do, it doesn't work. And I know that weight isn't muscle because my scale measures body fat percentage. I am so close to just starving myself so I'll stop gaining.

EDIT: Now that my little pity party is over, I guess it's just a matter of figuring out how to eat even less than I do now. I used to be able to get away with eating once a day and be done with it. I must get back to that. I mean I've tried the whole eat small portions, and eat low fat, and all that bullshit and it's obviously not working. I guess during fall semester, I'll have to start getting off at King Memorial Station and walking from there in the mornings. Damn, that means I've gotta switch bags again. But it's about a mile so it'll be plenty of exercise for that time.

Starting Over... Again

So we're gonna try this again. I'm trying to exercise on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. Don't know how well that will go. I've tried it the past couple of weeks and something manages to throw me off. I think I'm going to have to start getting up with Ryan and just working from there. It's not like I get much sleep after he leaves anyway.

I tried out my new bike today. It rides well, but man does it hurt my crotch/butt area. I think I'm going to need more padding. It seems like the padding on there is the type for guys anyway, or at least I thought women's cushions were supposed to have more. I really want to ride a bike decently again. I figure I probably don't have a whole lot of stamina for it considering it's been years since I last rode, plus I'm in the second worst physical state of my life (1st if you're going by sheer poundage, 2nd if we're going by size I fit in). I even bought healthy food today like hummus, strawberries and veggie cheese.

Vegetarian cheese tastes a little dry or at least the shreds I had did, but I didn't much notice a taste difference. This week I'm going to try and eat somewhat healthier, at least on school days. Smoothie King is awesome. They have so many varieties of smoothies, though I've really only tried two of their pineapple ones, and their chocolate protein shake. The chocolate shake had an odd taste in the beginning, but you get used to it after a few sips.

I think my biggest thing is going to be water consumption. I will not drink the water in the apartment because it tasted nasty. Maybe I should try it now. Ryan seems to have no problem with it, though who knows what actually tastes bad to him. So I guess I'll give it another shot because unless I boil massive amounts of water, which would be way too much hassle, or go back to buying gallons of water, which considering I could get them for less than a dollar isn't bad.

Here's to trying yet again. I want most of this weight gone by next year. It took me less than a year to gain it, so hopefully it'll take me a year or so to lose it.

I'm the only one who cares...

So today, almost right after I woke up, I started think about all the food I had eaten this weekend, none of it exceedingly healthy. I also weighed myself and what I had guessed was what the scale reflected (232.6). I mean it's still surprising I'm wearing a size 18 considering when I was younger and weighed less I was hitting a size 20/22, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But this morning what I basically realised was that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm the only one who truly cares.

My mom "cares" because she's been trying to change me all my life. Ryan cares, I'm guessing, because some things aren't how they used to be. I'm the one this is truly affecting. I'm the one who is unhappy with the way things have gone. So it's up to me to actually do something about it. Time to stop blaming this circumstance and that. Yeah, my weight loss before was accidental, so this time it's just going to have to be deliberate. I'm tired of feeling guilty after I eat something I like because it probably pushed me over my calories for the day. I'm tired of looking at myself and critiquing everything I see.

I don't know how long my resolve will stick, but I'm hoping I'll at least make some improvement in things.

Lalalala

So I have upgraded to a swankier new layout. I love purple way too much. Still have no clue where this love came from. It seems to have started freshman year of university. (Calling school university is something I just haven't been able to get out of my system from England. Also asking people what are they're on about. *Sigh* I miss England). I want to go back so bad. I'm jealous of Nicole. She's going back this summer to see her boyfriend. They are so cute together. ...That was totally off topic. 

Anyway, tomorrow Pavi and I are supposed to be going walking, I think around Stone Mountain. This shall be fun considering it's a 5 mile walk. Oh boy. 

I must say, I work with some very interesting people. We get into some interesting conversations, like today's topic was porn and what we like/dislike in guys and girls. Carter is an awesome dude. Miranda, I still haven't figured her out. She gives off this bi vibe, but says she likes penis... a lot. Who knows. 

Anyway, that's my rambling of the night.

So...

I've probably made the most expensive clothing purchase outside of me buying my wedding dress. I bought a pair of $100 walking shoes. They're supposed to increase the effectiveness of walking because they keep you off balance and kinda feel like walking through sand. My balance must have already been a little screwy because they're not really messing with my balance at all. Hmm, we'll see if this was a sound investment or not after I go walking today.

*Sigh*

I'm starting to think I should just give up on the whole weightloss thing right now. Mentally I care that I'm way over what I should be, and I do want to get back down to a smaller size again, even just a 14 would be nice, but I hate working out, and there has yet to be anything to make me enjoy it. I prefer having someone to go with me, and Ryan said he would, but that has only happened like once. Otherwise he just plays his video games. I've been hovering in this same 3 to 4 pound area since the beginning of the month. I guess I should be glad I'm no longer gaining. I had gained 30 lbs. since January when I thought I was on a path of trying to lose. I really think the biggest problem is where we live. I have to drive most everywhere, when for the past two years, I had to walk most everywhere. I hate having to drive and want to move to another complex that is in better walking distance of stores and such. Once again, gotta get Ryan to actually come see the apartments with me, considering it's where he would be living after I go to grad school. It makes me sad that I've gained all this (part of which I blame on my job and having late hours there, part on just me in general). Another part of me is sad that I can't bring myself to exercise without someone else because I hate exercising so much. Even if Ryan would go on walks with me, it'd be helpful, but I can't even get him to hang out with me most of the time, let alone exercise with me.

Blahness

I feel a little better having exercised now. I almost wish I just didn't have to eat. I mean I've gone 48 hours without eating before but that was because I was under emotional stress. I feel so whiny. People say get up and do it, but I guess it's because I didn't have to try the first time around that makes this so difficult. I was forced to exercise to get where I needed to go. Now I have a car that can take me to the grocery store 1.5 miles away or drive me to the train station. That's why I wish we didn't live here. I want to be back near downtown, or nearer the Marta station so I can just walk. Problem is he doesn't want to move. He'd rather just not think about it. 

I need to lose between 6 and 8 pounds by 6 June. Let's hope I can kick my ass into gear.

New Year's Resolutions

This year I'm going to make some resolutions and actually try and stick with them.

I want to get back to a size 10/12 so I can wear my European clothes again. It was easy when I didn't have to think about it, and it just happened because of circumstances. Things aren't the same now, so here's to hoping it works. Plus, I'm so tired of people commenting on my weight.

I also want to start looking prettier. I did so much slumming this year it was a shame. So here's to make-up, wigs, manis and pedis.

I want to get what I want. I let a lot go for the happiness of others, so here's to me being a little more selfish.