The Things We Wish For

My mind is all types of jumbled. This last week has been hellish, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I just keep thinking about the last time I talked to my dad. We were supposed to go up for Memorial Day, but Ryan had food poisoning. Part of me blames Ryan right now because I don't think he was as sick as he was acting, especially considering he was fine to get up and play video games. Then again, I didn't expect that to be the last time I would be talking to my dad. And another part of me remembers how disappointed my dad sounded when he told me to tell Ryan that he hoped he felt better. I almost wonder if he felt that would be the last time he spoke. I feel even worse because I was supposed to have called him to tell him why my cousin's ex-boyfriend wasn't coming up.

And one would think a funeral would make my mom be a little less bitchy, but no. I was treated like a 5-year old imbecile by not only her, but also by my brother-in-law. Being logical was my way of dealing with what happened, but still. What's worse, because my mom thought I stormed out during the funeral arrangements, she didn't put a picture of me and my dad in the funeral program after there was one picture I specifically asked her to put in. My sister didn't even seem to object to that and in fact two pictures of her with my parents ended up in the program along with individual pictures of her kids. Considering most people are never completely sure whose child I am, it's the least they could have done.

But I guess at this point, it's whatever. I can't go back and change it. Right now, I'm just trying to get along with my mother. I know she loves me in her own weird way, but I don't see how tearing someone down all the time is showing love.