Still I Rise...

I have decided I am not going to let what he said get me down. Granted he cloaked his statuses in ambiguity, but I knew who he was talking about. I'm sure some others have figured it out too. I am going to take this and work with it. We are still financially linked until the end of September, and I'm okay with that. I can make it until then. Granted I'll need to start building my back-up plan beforehand. Who would have thought a 2.5 year relationship with a year and counting engagement would end this way? But I am resilient. I will rise. I will prevail.

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And the truth is revealed...

If I didn't know it already, these comments/statuses on Ryan's behalf (When I think about it, you're part of the reason I am the way I am. Be wary of what you say, I will retaliate one day.) and (Funny you can say that. You were a cause to the end of my greatest happiness.)let me know, our relationship is basically over.

To me, considering the fact that we're engaged, I should be his greatest happiness, but I guess that's not true. Funny to think she's turning 18 next year. Maybe they'll get back together. Now I've just got to find my way out.

I'm still not giving back my ring though. Screw that.

I'm the only one who cares...

So today, almost right after I woke up, I started think about all the food I had eaten this weekend, none of it exceedingly healthy. I also weighed myself and what I had guessed was what the scale reflected (232.6). I mean it's still surprising I'm wearing a size 18 considering when I was younger and weighed less I was hitting a size 20/22, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But this morning what I basically realised was that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm the only one who truly cares.

My mom "cares" because she's been trying to change me all my life. Ryan cares, I'm guessing, because some things aren't how they used to be. I'm the one this is truly affecting. I'm the one who is unhappy with the way things have gone. So it's up to me to actually do something about it. Time to stop blaming this circumstance and that. Yeah, my weight loss before was accidental, so this time it's just going to have to be deliberate. I'm tired of feeling guilty after I eat something I like because it probably pushed me over my calories for the day. I'm tired of looking at myself and critiquing everything I see.

I don't know how long my resolve will stick, but I'm hoping I'll at least make some improvement in things.

Stream of Consciousness

So yesterday was interesting. After Ryan got off work, we went over to his parents' house to help set up a gazebo. I didn't even join in until later, but damn if that wasn't tiring. Poor Ryan having to do the majority of it by himself. But after it was finished, his parents took us out to dinner. Go figure.

And it took two weeks, but we finally did the do again. It's so weird. It's like we're suffering lesbian bed death, and we've only been together 2.5 years (I have no clue what that's called for a straight couple). We've gotten way too comfortable with things I guess. Sex is never really different. Who knows? But I did feel a little better about things after last night and this morning. I'm not quite in the "I don't love you anymore" stage. I think I'm hovering somewhere near it though, but closer on the side of "I still love you." It's so hard to put a name to that feeling.

I don't think I like Miranda anymore though. I still like joking around with her, but the feeling of actually liking her is gone, probably because I don't see her as much now.

At work, we're up to 17 hosts. 17. WTF? We have enough host to run a server shift at OG. This is so crazy. Even one of the servers I was talking to thought that was crazy. But I think the new guy is leaving at the end of the summer, thank the gods. Denart is supposed to be leaving soon too, but I don't really know. They might as well make Dana a full on server. Then again, if I could find a job with either better pay or steadier hours, I'd probably go for it at this point. I'll only have been at OG for a year come the beginning of August. I think it's hard for me to stay at a job for a long time, my longest being 1.5 years.

It's so weird to think that it's been almost two years since I left for England. Two years since things started changing so much for me. God I miss it there. I miss walking everywhere and the way the school was ran, and having crazy roommates. I miss Smoothies and their awesome Mexican style burrito. I miss the Subway by the church. I miss Primark and their lovely clothes and prices. I miss the Metro and ASDA and Tesco. I miss being able to see the Tyne River and the "Slug" out my window. I just plain miss it. I think I'm going to start a blog and post a picture a day from when I was overseas.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.

Boredom

So it's school time again. I shall not have fun this semester. Gonna have so much work to do in the next two months, and then back to school in mid-August. At least I get to get out of the state at the beinning of August. Going to Illinois and Minnesota both school type related, though I am totally going to Mall of America when we get to Minneapolis. I'm so excited to be going up north. Never been to Minnesota, and totally can't wait to go. Hopefully it will be awesome.

Ramblings

So I start summer school tomorrow. My one and only time of taking summer school and I'm already dreading it. 3 classes lasting 2:45 a piece. Shoot me now.

I'm starting to wonder is something up with Ryan. Yet again we haven't had sex in like a week and he won't give me anything more than quick pecks when he's kissing me. The sex thing doesn't really bother me, but the kissing thing does. That's never been like him. Really I just figure that we're growing apart and maybe he's starting to realise it. We'll see.