Bitch Fit

I think I'm about 5 seconds away from snapping on him. He just makes it so easy with his little bullshit comments. Like tonight I asked him what was up with the attitude and he's saying I've had an attitude since he came in. Considering I was laughing and joking with Ally much of the time, how was I the one with the attitude? He came in and went straight to the bedroom without saying anything. I could also tell he didn't like what Ally had to say about why Lilith chewed on his headset cord. The only thing that's holding me back from just being done with him is the fact that both are names are on that lease and I don't have the finances to be able to be done with him. When May comes around that may be a different story. I've been holding out before because I know what his ex girlfriend did, but my loyalty to him is slowly draining away.

It amuses me because I think he got mad that Ally and I were going on about Preston so much, but he'll be okay.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

*Sad Face*

So today I found out that the Northumbria program actually has a track for History students. This was of course something we weren't informed of, and I could have graduated this semester because on that track I didn't need a minor nor did I need the typical history classes. I hate GSU right now. I'm so glad I'm getting out of here in May. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do.

Right now the only thing I want to do is go back to Europe either Cadiz or Newcastle. I need to back where I felt free, and I don't feel that here. I've felt wrong and out of place ever since I got back. I need an out.

Cadiz



Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

I Get Off On You...

This post will probably totally be TMI, but I miss good sex. What I mean by this is sex that I want to have more of even right after we finish. Granted all the stories I've been reading probably doesn't exactly help, but everyone has to have great sex at some point in time right? I've never had great sex, good yes, great no. Then again, I've only had sex with two guys, one a virgin, so I can't exactly fault him on that. Even so, great sex would be so awesome right now.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.

Update

Man it's been over a month since I last updated. In that time, I gone on "vacation" up north: Minnesota and Illinois. I never want to see a corn field again after riding though Illinois. I like Minnesota though. Seems like a very awesome place. I am contemplating Indiana University - Bloomington for their dual masters program in Library Science and History. At the same time though, I wanna just do GSU's Heritage Preservation Program and then go to Minnesota for their Ph.D. program. The biggest thing I'm worried about is my grades. I haven't really made As in my history classes. Bs and B+s are my main focus, which makes me wonder am I going to be competative enough to get into a history program. I essentially have to do kick ass in my last 4 history class to make myself look good, but I don't know if that will help.

In other fun news, we're moving and once again, it's to someplace within walking distance to MARTA. Hopefully this will make things better for me because driving to MARTA four mornings a week is killing me and putting unneeded miles on my car. Now I've just got to get everything turned on and such. What fun.

It's Almost a Full Moon...

Things have been so crazy lately. Ryan's dad was putting up opposition to us moving. My mom was doing the same. It took practically begging, pleading and arguing with her to let me borrow the money. But now we wait. They have to check our credit and employment verification. I'm not worried about my credit so much as Ryan's. If his issues with being late show up, his credit won't get approved. We're already walking a fine line considering we barely make enough and my credit score is low. Hopefully he hasn't ruined his. Life just feels so crazy right now especially when it comes to money. Here's to hoping things go according to plan.