A New Direction

So yesterday and today, I got in touch with my potential dissertation advisor at the University of Minnesota. The process start is becoming a little surreal. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket though, so I need to find a back up school. That would probably be either Indiana University, Northern Illinois University, University of Maryland, or University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill. Chapel Hill was my original choice for grad school, but I've decided I want to be further out of the South. I've lived here almost all my life, and I just feel like I need something new.

I've been going stir-crazy ever since I came back from England. All I can think about is how much I miss it and how much I'd love to get away again. Grad school is my legitimate excuse right now. A doctorate take somewhere between five and eight years to complete. If I go straight in next year, I'll be between 28 and 31 when I finish. It's kind of scary to think how much of life will have been committed to school.

Sina brought up today the fact that with me being gone for that long, he doesn't think Ryan and I will last because we'll drift apart. I've had that thought too, especially since he won't be able to get away from work often. Me being in England was stressful on us. I can only imagine what being separated that long will do. More than likely it'll break us up. I definitely won't be surprised if it does. In fact, I'll probably suggest that we see other people. I don't want him to put his life on hold for me, especially considering he's got 4 years of school.

Most of all though, I'm scared of something new, yet craving it at the same time. I think I know where I want to go with my life, but the question is will I achieve it.

Crash and...

So he and I managed to talk last night. I ended up going off on him in a way, and told him not to dare blame me for her not being able to play her own game. There was much silence on his end, though he did answer the questions I put to him. My brain still doesn't want to let go of the fact that he called her his greatest happiness. I ended up breaking down and crying like a baby. At that point he apologised for things, and said stuff like I am his world and mean everything to him. That he loves me with all his heart. We even ended up having make up sex. I don't know what to do though. Right now I'm just biding my time and seeing how things go. I don't know if he's actually going to communicate with me more/better. I don't know anything right now.

Still I Rise...

I have decided I am not going to let what he said get me down. Granted he cloaked his statuses in ambiguity, but I knew who he was talking about. I'm sure some others have figured it out too. I am going to take this and work with it. We are still financially linked until the end of September, and I'm okay with that. I can make it until then. Granted I'll need to start building my back-up plan beforehand. Who would have thought a 2.5 year relationship with a year and counting engagement would end this way? But I am resilient. I will rise. I will prevail.

Maya Angelou - Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

And the truth is revealed...

If I didn't know it already, these comments/statuses on Ryan's behalf (When I think about it, you're part of the reason I am the way I am. Be wary of what you say, I will retaliate one day.) and (Funny you can say that. You were a cause to the end of my greatest happiness.)let me know, our relationship is basically over.

To me, considering the fact that we're engaged, I should be his greatest happiness, but I guess that's not true. Funny to think she's turning 18 next year. Maybe they'll get back together. Now I've just got to find my way out.

I'm still not giving back my ring though. Screw that.

I'm the only one who cares...

So today, almost right after I woke up, I started think about all the food I had eaten this weekend, none of it exceedingly healthy. I also weighed myself and what I had guessed was what the scale reflected (232.6). I mean it's still surprising I'm wearing a size 18 considering when I was younger and weighed less I was hitting a size 20/22, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But this morning what I basically realised was that it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself, because I'm the only one who truly cares.

My mom "cares" because she's been trying to change me all my life. Ryan cares, I'm guessing, because some things aren't how they used to be. I'm the one this is truly affecting. I'm the one who is unhappy with the way things have gone. So it's up to me to actually do something about it. Time to stop blaming this circumstance and that. Yeah, my weight loss before was accidental, so this time it's just going to have to be deliberate. I'm tired of feeling guilty after I eat something I like because it probably pushed me over my calories for the day. I'm tired of looking at myself and critiquing everything I see.

I don't know how long my resolve will stick, but I'm hoping I'll at least make some improvement in things.

Stream of Consciousness

So yesterday was interesting. After Ryan got off work, we went over to his parents' house to help set up a gazebo. I didn't even join in until later, but damn if that wasn't tiring. Poor Ryan having to do the majority of it by himself. But after it was finished, his parents took us out to dinner. Go figure.

And it took two weeks, but we finally did the do again. It's so weird. It's like we're suffering lesbian bed death, and we've only been together 2.5 years (I have no clue what that's called for a straight couple). We've gotten way too comfortable with things I guess. Sex is never really different. Who knows? But I did feel a little better about things after last night and this morning. I'm not quite in the "I don't love you anymore" stage. I think I'm hovering somewhere near it though, but closer on the side of "I still love you." It's so hard to put a name to that feeling.

I don't think I like Miranda anymore though. I still like joking around with her, but the feeling of actually liking her is gone, probably because I don't see her as much now.

At work, we're up to 17 hosts. 17. WTF? We have enough host to run a server shift at OG. This is so crazy. Even one of the servers I was talking to thought that was crazy. But I think the new guy is leaving at the end of the summer, thank the gods. Denart is supposed to be leaving soon too, but I don't really know. They might as well make Dana a full on server. Then again, if I could find a job with either better pay or steadier hours, I'd probably go for it at this point. I'll only have been at OG for a year come the beginning of August. I think it's hard for me to stay at a job for a long time, my longest being 1.5 years.

It's so weird to think that it's been almost two years since I left for England. Two years since things started changing so much for me. God I miss it there. I miss walking everywhere and the way the school was ran, and having crazy roommates. I miss Smoothies and their awesome Mexican style burrito. I miss the Subway by the church. I miss Primark and their lovely clothes and prices. I miss the Metro and ASDA and Tesco. I miss being able to see the Tyne River and the "Slug" out my window. I just plain miss it. I think I'm going to start a blog and post a picture a day from when I was overseas.

Thoughts Rolling Around in My Head

I find blogging such an interesting phenomena. People use them for such various reasons. Me, I just use it to get my feelings out, because my brain is all over the place and sometimes I just don't wanna talk to other people. Reading the blog The Rest is Still Unwritten, I like how this dude writes. He gives some very interesting insight into his life and just random stuff in general. I especially liked his "101 Things You Didn't Know About Me" post. I think I shall do that at some point in time.

But back to my life, it was interesting, yesterday I was called arrogant for saying that I have to go to school to get a degree in History, though I really don't need to because I can teach myself History just fine. Maybe it's because she doesn't know, because I have taught myself many things before especially history related. But I guess that's what happens when someone such as myself doesn't like the church structure and doesn't see much point in it.

This morning Ryan called me annoying, for I'm guessing many reasons. He said this after I told him how not to do something because he always manages to pull the plug out of the wall. But of course I was being annoying, though he doesn't get that he's very annoying when he bugs me to come to bed over and over again. I practically have to go to bed when he does. Then he'll complain about things like the dishes and stuff being in the washer, when the only thing he does around the house is wash his own clothes. I do the dishes, wash our sheets and towels, clean the bathroom, and typically am the one who cleans and vacuums and such. So what the hell?

I had a revelation today about where I might want to go with my life. I might want to go into Family Law. Problem is I really still want to do my Ph.D. in History because I really love "sexual deviance" in Early Modern Europe. I know if I just go to law school then I'll probably never get to do History. I almost think I just need to stay single so I don't worry about have kids or having a SO because I want to do so many random things that don't involve each other. I've really got to narrow things down. Knowing me, I'll probably just keep my original plan of going to school for History, then possibly go back to do law school, and just do that in general. Either that or I'll go back into Social Work like I had originally planned.