The Laziness

I have been extremely lazy the last two days. Well I should say ever since I finished my draft of my prospectus. So far I've cleaned a little, went on a walk, started reading a romance novel, and went to a hockey game. The Thrashers game was awesome, though they didn't pick up themselves up until the 3rd period. Then we went into overtime, where it stayed tied until the shoot out where our players Peverley and Kozlov scored our two goals while St. Louis Blues scored nothing. Although I must say, their goalie Ty Conklin kicked ass. Out of 40 shots on him, he only let in 2 goals. We still love Moose though.

Ally and I are watching a film that's partially based in Newcastle, and of course we're missing the place. I wish I could go back during Spring Break, but I doubt I'd have the money.

Pure and Utter BS

So apparently I was talking ill of his parents by saying that they wanted him to come over and help them instead of him going to Pride? Maybe I'm missing something here, but how is that speaking ill of them? I already know they're racist and didn't say anything about that, nor did I say they were bigots, which they very well could be, but I don't know. So I'm just a little confused by the whole speak ill of them thing. There are so many more things I could say about them, and at times have said about them. But his main issue was that I said this in front of Ally, and therefore it was disrespectful to him. If I was calling his parents names or something, I could understand that, but I must truly be missing something.

And then he's upset because Ally knows he owes me money, and feels that that's something that should stay between us. His pride might not let him tell others about him owing me money, but there's no pride issue on my side, so yes, I told my best friend about it. But he saw no problem with telling one of his classmates that we don't have sex that often. Double standard here much? As long as he's known me, he's known there are certain things that aren't private to me. I will admit I'm in debt and that I rarely have an orgasm from penetration. That isn't a big deal to me, but he can't be a man about things and just say this to my face. He has to use it as venom in a war that apparently he gets to decide when it ends.

But you know I just loved it when he said, "We can make excuses for your behaviour and attitude for only so long. But in the end either buy a "filter" or find a way to keep the attitude in check." Oh really? Mr. I'd rather not deal with my problems at all, or I get pissy when things don't go my way. And I just love it when he declared the conversation over with. Really? Okay. Screw him.

Bitch Fit

I think I'm about 5 seconds away from snapping on him. He just makes it so easy with his little bullshit comments. Like tonight I asked him what was up with the attitude and he's saying I've had an attitude since he came in. Considering I was laughing and joking with Ally much of the time, how was I the one with the attitude? He came in and went straight to the bedroom without saying anything. I could also tell he didn't like what Ally had to say about why Lilith chewed on his headset cord. The only thing that's holding me back from just being done with him is the fact that both are names are on that lease and I don't have the finances to be able to be done with him. When May comes around that may be a different story. I've been holding out before because I know what his ex girlfriend did, but my loyalty to him is slowly draining away.

It amuses me because I think he got mad that Ally and I were going on about Preston so much, but he'll be okay.

All this will happen again.

So today officially began the end of my undergraduate GSU career. It feels awesome. Granted I still have to pass my classes from this semester, but I hope to come out of them with at least Bs. I'm just ready to be done.

But man if this computer isn't messing up at a critical time. Now I've gotta move everything over to the desktop and hope it loves me more. My media computer will now be turned into my main one until I figure out what's wrong with this one, or cough up the money for BestBuy to fix it.

I love playing match maker. I don't know why I get such a thrill from it, but I have realised why I do it, especially when I'm lacking a love life. I swear I've read too many romance novels lately. I've even bought some off Amazon. I can't help myself considering I have all these pretty little notions flying around in my head although I know life isn't really like these books. Nonetheless, I want it.

I have a feeling I'm going to go into a depression phase soon. I can feel it coming like a train heading straight at me and I can't get out the way. I guess this is my response to missing being happy. I want to be happy again.

*Sad Face*

So today I found out that the Northumbria program actually has a track for History students. This was of course something we weren't informed of, and I could have graduated this semester because on that track I didn't need a minor nor did I need the typical history classes. I hate GSU right now. I'm so glad I'm getting out of here in May. I just wish I could figure out what I want to do.

Right now the only thing I want to do is go back to Europe either Cadiz or Newcastle. I need to back where I felt free, and I don't feel that here. I've felt wrong and out of place ever since I got back. I need an out.

Cadiz



Newcastle-Upon-Tyne

I Get Off On You...

This post will probably totally be TMI, but I miss good sex. What I mean by this is sex that I want to have more of even right after we finish. Granted all the stories I've been reading probably doesn't exactly help, but everyone has to have great sex at some point in time right? I've never had great sex, good yes, great no. Then again, I've only had sex with two guys, one a virgin, so I can't exactly fault him on that. Even so, great sex would be so awesome right now.

But still, like air, I'll rise

Funny I stopped writing. I guess I've been okay with my thoughts lately. The book I'm currently reading has made me stop and think though. I'm not happy with where I am in life and I'm not okay with that. I need to find myself again, the person who could be alone and be okay. The person who accepted that she was all she needed in the world. Of course the only problem in this plan is Ryan. When I admitted to myself that I probably wasn't in love with him anymore, I felt freer. Of course this came at a time when I couldn't really get out of the situation, and I currently still can't because both of our names are on that lease. Though I'm not in love with him anymore, our relationship still works on a companionship level. If he's been able to tell a difference in me, I don't know. I think the biggest thing that solidifies all this is the fact he doesn't want to marry me anymore, even though I've told him I plan on staying in Atlanta. Maybe someday next year, I'll give him an easy out. This would probably be easier if I just went away to school. We'd just naturally grow apart. In the meantime though, I want to focus on myself. I'm rarely ever truly happy, and I miss that. There's so many things that outweigh the good in my life right now that I haven't been happy in many many months. Maybe it's just wanting a new life, I don't know.

I'm going to get another tattoo soon. It's probably going to be a modified version of "Still I Rise" but I don't know yet. I wish I could get the entire poem in a place I could see.

I will become my own happiness, and from this point forward, I refuse to sacrifice myself for others. I've played the imperfect daughter and the bitchy girlfriend for so long and I just don't want to do it anymore.