Keep on trying...

I was surprised. Yesterday I was on a writing kick. I'm actually surprised I've made it this far on it considering I usually just give up on the stories I write. But I guess since I changed where I was going with it, I gave myself some new interest. And I've noticed, I can't do sappy love stories. In pretty much every story I've conceptualized, the guy and the girl were together in some capacity, something happened to break them up and they get back together for a time, maybe permanently, but if I can find a way to make it not happily ever after, I'll do it. I don't know what that says about me. I know I'm a realist, but it seems I'm a cynic too. I'm not surprised though. My HEA didn't work out right, and I think I knew it wouldn't all along. I mean, Ryan was with another girl when we got together, so I would guess that should have been clue number 1.

I think I've lost count of the number of jobs I've applied for. What sucks more is only one interview has come out of all of those. And I can't figure out what it is. I know I have a big year gap between my two longest jobs, but that's because of my study abroad. All this is documented on my resume. It's crazy. But I'm still trying. I'm going tomorrow to try two more places. After that luckily I get to take care of something that will make me quite happy: a season Thrasher ticket. Though this is coming from my mom in the form of the insurance money from my dad's death, I guess she just wants to do something that'll make me happy.

The Things We Wish For

My mind is all types of jumbled. This last week has been hellish, but I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I just keep thinking about the last time I talked to my dad. We were supposed to go up for Memorial Day, but Ryan had food poisoning. Part of me blames Ryan right now because I don't think he was as sick as he was acting, especially considering he was fine to get up and play video games. Then again, I didn't expect that to be the last time I would be talking to my dad. And another part of me remembers how disappointed my dad sounded when he told me to tell Ryan that he hoped he felt better. I almost wonder if he felt that would be the last time he spoke. I feel even worse because I was supposed to have called him to tell him why my cousin's ex-boyfriend wasn't coming up.

And one would think a funeral would make my mom be a little less bitchy, but no. I was treated like a 5-year old imbecile by not only her, but also by my brother-in-law. Being logical was my way of dealing with what happened, but still. What's worse, because my mom thought I stormed out during the funeral arrangements, she didn't put a picture of me and my dad in the funeral program after there was one picture I specifically asked her to put in. My sister didn't even seem to object to that and in fact two pictures of her with my parents ended up in the program along with individual pictures of her kids. Considering most people are never completely sure whose child I am, it's the least they could have done.

But I guess at this point, it's whatever. I can't go back and change it. Right now, I'm just trying to get along with my mother. I know she loves me in her own weird way, but I don't see how tearing someone down all the time is showing love.

To go or not to go...?

Well two months exactly since my last post. I was probably bitching about Ryan in that, but what's new?

In that two months, I've at least finished my undergrad degree in History (seems I might be graduating cum laude). I don't think being done with GSU has completely hit me yet, since I'm still working there through the end of the week. After that, maybe it will finally feel like a reality. And me being me, and not wanting to go to grad school immediately, and yet not have to start paying back my loans, I'm trying to go to another school to obtain an Associate's in Library Science. Nonetheless, I'm still planning on going to grad school. In a way, it's kind of a good thing I'm a little disgruntled over Arizona right now, because I found out that Newcastle University has a Museum Studies program. In fact, I found a lot more Museum Studies programs than I thought there were. New York seems to have the most, but there are school in the UK. Like 5 or 6 of them. And what I would pay for one year of going to one of those schools, I would pay for two years going to a school in the States. SO the question becomes what to do? I could try and go to school here. I could try for Newcastle. I could be a little more adventurous and try somewhere else in the UK, or I could go for the most out there one and try for the school in Australia.

I'm going to take the GRE for the American schools, just in case, but I know my heart is set on going outside the country. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back overseas ever since I came back. I'm envious of my friend Matt who's getting to come here for like a two week vacation (he's been gone from here for like a year), and my friend Nicole who's getting to move to England (she's getting married though). As much as I bitched and moaned at times while I was in England, I wouldn't change that experience for anything. And I know the major thing that kept me from completely enjoying my experience there, wouldn't be an issue this time.

Everything is tell me to go for it, but then my practical side kicks in, and I know the money will be the biggest issue. I had my mom helping me the first time. Now I would have to figure out my own way. I'm up for the task mind you, but at the same time it feels over-whelming. The thought of putting myself into infinitely more debt than I already have when I could stay in the US and probably have less. I'm gonna have to stop thinking about this, or I'll talk myself out of it. Right now, I just want to decide which places I want to look at. I've never been to Australia, and the uni there is in Sydney. At the same time, Newcastle is my other home. I love that city as much as I love Atlanta. At the same time though, I could branch out within the UK and see what other parts of the country have to offer.

I am a horrible decision maker.

Musings

So I finally have a new job. I've been here a little over a week. It's pretty simple, just sitting at the desk, answering phone calls and helping people who come in. For 7.50 an hour and the ability to do homework, it's not bad. Not bad at all.

I've decided to catch up on the Vampire Diaries. I've seen a couple of episodes in the past month, and it seems like it has a backbone to it. Nothing like the travesty that is Twilight. I don't even really know why I'm contemplating going to see New Moon other than Taylor Lautner is hot, and I have this weird thing of finishing series that I start, whether movie or book. It was the only reason I bought X-Men: The Last Stand. I had the other two movies, so I had to buy the 3rd. I'm just hoping New Moon displays the wolf pack some more.

I'm finding werewolves more and more intriguing these days. Maybe because of the obsession I was having with RoLo for a little while. Then again, before that I had been reading a story about a druid and a werewolf. But even before that, I was reading The Southern Vampire Mysteries (aka the books True Blood is based on), and they had lots of were-creatures in it..Werewolves are hot, hot creatures. Too bad they're not real. I think I shall buy Shelly Laurenston's pack series soon. Granted, from what I've read, most aren't wolves, weres are just awesome in any form.

Now back to watching the Vampire Diaries. Stupid Megavideo and it's time limits.

Writing

I can't tell you why, but I'm hella inconsistent on writing on any type of journal or blog. Bad thing is I love writing. Or at least writing things I'm good at. BSing History papers at the last minute = a school well learned in high school. Trying to write an analytical English paper on a novel = You want what? I learned this well in attempting to take a Lit class this semester. I was okay with understanding what the professor was talking about until it came to my presentation. In that case, I wrote what I'm good at, while she wanted analysis. That was a bad combo. Unfortunately, I didn't really have the time to give her what she wanted, and so I had to drop the class because that presentation was 20% of the grade.

Luckily I still have 13 credit hours with the class being dropped, which actually means, in all 5 hellascious years I've been at this school, I've never gone part time. I still wonder how I pulled off 18 credit hours last Spring and managed to get on the Dean's List for it too. (As a side note, that's something else I find awesome. I've only not been on Dean's List twice, and I've made President's List before. Thank you summer semester.) But in a way this got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in grad school? Classes aren't so easily gotten rid of when you aren't doing so well in them because you're a lot more concentrated. This alone is going to force me to not be indecisive, something which I almost think it's impossible for me not to be. But honestly, I don't see myself getting a decent job in a historical field with just a B.A., so it seems force is what it will take.

I'm also trying to write short stories, but I'm so horrible at writing in detail. I can picture everything in my head vividly. It's just getting it onto the page that's the problem. I still want to try and do NaNoWriMo, but this shall be quite interesting when it comes down to it. 50,000 words in one month on a story about a callgirl and the business man who falls for her... well it's a little more complicated than that, but you get the idea.

Randomness Part Whatever

Warning: This post is partially sex related. You have been warned.


I am having way too much fun with Tumblr. I love how so many of them are photo-blogs. However, if anyone sees it, they'd think I'm a sex-fiend for just how many I am following. I'm really not. I promise. I don't know where my recent obsession with sex images is coming from. I'm not horny; I just find them extremely interesting. I've also found photo-blogs of hot guys. Now that may be an entirely different story as to why I follow them. It satisfies my lust for white guys since they don't really like me that way. I must say that sucks ass, but oh well. Maybe moving to Phoenix will change things. Then again losing weight will probably help too. But I've begun to ramble.

In other news, Ryan "apologised" last week, giving me a card and chocolates. It was a really sweet card, basically saying that we've been through a lot and that's what makes us stronger together. However, our Facebook relationship status is still "single" and he's actually not said anything about us actually being together. So right now we're essentially bedmates. I'm not going to say anything. I still don't really have strong feelings about it. It almost seems like he apologised after I broke down while on the phone with him.

Last Wednesday was just a bad day, especially considering my computer decided to break by not booting. So it's been sent off to Gateway for three weeks. This prompted me to buy the netbook I'm currently typing on. I want to keep it, but it's not economical considering I bought it with a credit card. So more than likely it's either going back to the store or it's being sold. I have a potential buyer, I just need her to get back in touch with me.

Well back to not paying attention to the history of South Africa.

Single Again...

So today, Ryan broke up with me. Mostly after I claimed that he didn't really have the balls to do it. As he said, it was a long time coming. I don't feel too upset over it. Right now I'm just thinking of the financial bind that puts me in, as if I wasn't in a bad enough one already. Maybe it's a type of a shock. Though, I'm not exceedingly shocked. He's been joking around about us breaking up for a while now. And I've been thinking about it longer. Came at a bad time though, but looking at it, it could have come at a worse one, like during finals. I really don't want to explain this to my family. Especially after the big to-do my dad was making this weekend about Ryan and I not really talking to each other. Oh well, it's done. Time to deal and move on.