24.05.2011

I haven't felt this alone in a long time. Even when I'm talking to people, it feels like they would rather be doing something else, or are doing something else. It's weird, because Saturday when I hung out with Chris, things were fine. But today, things just felt different. I guess my depression is just coming back. I've been holed up in this extremely hot ass room for like the last six hours, sweating and watching Mad Men. Trying to come up with a solution to the Ryan situation, and I can't really discuss it with my friends because they feel that I should just be done with him. Maybe the solution I"m thinking of is born out of the loneliness I've been feeling. I haven't been by myself this much in almost 3 years, and hell if I know how to be alone anymore. I don't mind being single, I just want the loneliness to go away.

The one person who would probably cheer me up right now let his phone get cut off again, so I have like no way to get in contact with him since I can't remember his email. I feel weird going through his brother to get messages to him, plus he's with his family in Florida. It was weird after being pretty much gone from my life since March, he randomly popped back up last week saying he wanted to hang out with me and that I should talk to him more. He of course gave some lame ass excuse as to why he doesn't always respond to texts, but it still felt nice having him back considering I had missed him.

Time to read some more Bamon.

I suck at this whole updating thing...

I recently decided not to go to England for grad school as much as I really wanted to. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs and doing that would only put me further in. So I'm gonna try to get into Clayton State's archival program. It's relatively new, but considering it's next door to the National Archives, I shouldn't have any problem. Plus, retail and the library have taught me how much I don't like people.

This summer I'm gonna do something a little insane. I just increase my work possiblity to be up to 60 hours a week. Granted I'm already doing almost 50, but still. Since Joey and I are looking for a place to live, I guess it will be good to build up a reserve of money. That is if I can stop spending on pointless shit. Though I do plan on using some of it to get my new tattoo. It has been too long and I have two in the works, though I definitely think this one will be my phoenix one. Just need to find a phoenix I like and figure out how to incorporate the quote.

So Ryan and I broke up. Surprise surprise. Granted it actually wasn't on me. It was him with his lame ass excuse that he didn't like where I was moving to. But come to find out, there's a lot more issues behind that. He claims that for the last year he's been trying to fix us, hence the reason he would annoy me with his whole "come to bed" thing. After finding out that after our last break-up I stopped caring as much, he's feeling all hurt and in his words, detests me for what I've done to him. My problem with all this is, he refuses to see what brought me to that point. That the first 3 years of our relationship wasn't all sunshine and roses. I went through a lot of personal hell during that time, and lo and behold, when I stop trying as much is when he decides to. He doesn't seem to get I was worn down at that point and I just couldn't keep doing what we'd been doing before, so emotionally I backed off.

Telling him this has caused the current shitstorm we're in. Realistically, I don't think he has any reason to hate me considering I never hated him for the shit he did. Then again, it's probably part of his whole hate against women thing anyway. I really don't want him to hate me, but I keep telling myself it's time not to give a shit. Here's my out, and I should just let it be. I really kinda wanna be vindictive and go and take all the stuff I left at the apartment as a convenience to him, like my sofa and lamps. Really I just want him to make up his mind because after we broke up, we were getting along just fine until the 6-hour argument a couple weeks ago plus the one last night. Even between those, we managed to get along. So I told him it's his choice if we stay friends or not. I'm giving him until the 19th and then I'm getting my shit out of the apartment, and I might just have all they're shit turned off since it's all in my name anyway.

Status Update of Sorts

So most people think it's weird that I've let my music collection get so big without weeding it, but at this point weeding it would take considerable time and effort. Maybe I'll do it some day. I've done it before, but I was around 5000 songs at that time. I've at 14500 songs now, so weeding it would be a lot more involved. Granted I'm the type of person that once I download a song or grab a picture, it's more than likely not coming out of my collection. That's just how I am. Probably comes from me being a packrat in general, but I love music, so I hate parting with it. I might decide to go through the album I have downloaded and get rid of songs I'm not really feeling because I do have artists that I've liked, but disliked the majority of their album.

So I made it to day 3 before I purchased something I didn't really need. My willpower was so not strong, but I had been wanting this DVD set for the longest, and I got almost a 30% discount on it, so I felt that I had to go for it while I had the discount. That's why I bought the computer last week because it had a 10% discount on it and everything I could possibly want in a laptop. I can't wait for it to come in. I have managed to resist my compulsion to eat out, though I was sorely tempted when I drove by Moe's earlier. However, that just prompted me to go to the grocery store and make what I wanted myself. I should be good on groceries for at least 3 weeks if not longer. I've just got to resist my compulsions, and I might just be able to do this.

New Years Resolutions

I have two general resolutions for this upcoming year: improve myself and improve my finances.

I want to improve myself in the following ways:
1. Yesterday when I weighted in I was at 233. I want to try and make it to 150 by this day next year. That's 83 lbs. or about 7 lbs. a month. Written down that doesn't seem that bad, but I know that I get lazy and don't want to exercise, and I know that despite what I eat (though I'm going to try and cut down on my eating out anyway), I've got to exercise to make sure I get the amount of weight I want to get off.

The problem is work. Most of the time, I work late, get in some time just being chill, and then sleep until I have to go to work again. I would probably have to get my exercise in before work, which could potentially make me more tired than I usually am before work, but we'll see.

2. I would like to try and blog more consistantly. I'm always telling myself that I'm going to blog more, but in the end I don't. I don't really think that I have something interesting to say. Blogs are more just for me to get out my emotions without talking to other people, hence the reason for all the bitching about the boy. Which leads me to...

3. When it comes to him, I'm going to try and stop asking. I ask him to do something, and most of the time, he forgets, so after 4 years, I just know, if I want something done, I need to do it myself. I do truly hate nagging, but he seems to bring it out of me, so no more.

4. This one is kinda weird, but I'm going to try and become a little more "lady-like." As it stands, the only time I really wear make-up is for Thrashers games, so I want to try and wear it a little more. I go for dressing comfortably over dressing cute, so that's part two. Lastly, I want to try and stop cussing as much. I can do it in family and work situations, but around friends or at Thrashers games, I just let go, so gotta try and cut back.

As far as my finances, my biggest thing is cutting back on unnecessary spending. Just looking at how I spend money these last few months has been eye opening. I spend money on so much stuff I don't need. So I'm going to reset my budgets and try and stay within them as much as possible. This is definitely going to be helpful considering I need to start saving as much money as possible starting in September. So being mindful of what I'm spending where is going to be my biggest financial goal.

I know trying to do 5 changes is going to be a lot of work, but I think if I really really try, I can get it done.

Thrashers Hockey: A Source of Love and Frustration

My goalie got his first shootout win tonight, opposite the #1 goalie in the league (Pavs has been #2 in Save Percentage for a while and keeps going back and forth with Jonathan Quick for second in GAA). This came after both of the goals that got past him were shootout type goals, so I was definitely worried when we went to the shootout. Guess I had no reason to worry because Pavelec was definitely awesome while our defense was somewhat lacking throughout a major portion of the game. I know Pavs stopped at least 42 shots (last shots on goal I saw was 44 for Boston).

The team goes to New Jersey tomorrow to play the Devils. That should be interesting considering when we last played them we won 7-1 (Boulton got his first career hat trick). I do still miss Moose, and apparently many of our fans did too, because when he came out to replace Brodeur, all you could hear was "Moose." Maybe it's just me, but I still think Moose would have been a better fit with Pavelec. Maybe it's just that I haven't really adjusted to Mason. It's a rare game when Mason lets in less than 3 goals though he was doing good in the beginning. I get that him playing so many games in a row with no relief got to him, but Pavs has done pretty decent doing something similar. In fact there's only been 3 games (of 27) he's played so far where he's let in 4 or more goals. Mason is 8 of 16 on that count.

Granted I know Moose isn't having the greatest season so far. (Oooh. Just read that Moose might get the start in goal tomorrow for the Devils.) He's only got 4 wins in the 15 games he's played, but only 3 games in which he allowed 4 or more goals. So I don't know. I guess I just carry a special place for Moose. Why I like goalies and defensemen so much, I don't know, but Moose, Bogosian, Schubert, Pavelec they've all been my favourites over the last two seasons.

Time to end this random hockey post.

"A Brutally Good Time": A Hockey Post

So in an effort not to write my paper, I'm going to blog.

Hockey has been interesting so far this year. The Thrashers are 6-5-3 on the year so far. Not bad I guess. It puts us in 3rd place in the division, 1 point behind number 2 and 3 points behind number one. I wouldn't be surprised though if the Lightening and Capitals switch places many times though with the showing that TB has been giving so far. Unfortunately conference wise, we're in our tenuous number 8 spot, a place we knew well last year. Luckily we have a game in hand over the Penguins, however, we play them on Saturday. Hopefully, our two games before them will give us little leeway if we do something stupid.

Last night's game against the reigning Stanley cup champions was insanity. We managed to have a lead 3 times (1-0, 3-2, and 4-3) but we lost them all. At the end of the first we were trailing 2-1 and all I could hope for is that Pavelec kept his ass in the crease. Him not keeping his crack there is what lead to them tying it up 4-4 in the second, though goaltender interference should have been called, just like it should have been called for Mason when we last played the Sabres. I mean I'm pretty sure yanking the goalie's stick out of his hand when he's trying to skate back into his crease or not allowing the goalie back into his crease is interference. Maybe that's just me.

All I know is we have a tough month head even though we've already got the Blackhawks out the way. We play the Penguins, the Capitals twice, the Red Wings, the Bruins and the Canadiens. This is going to be fun. Though the meeting with the Penguins and the Bruins should be fun in their own rights because of what happened the last time we saw the Penguins, i.e. Kane's beautiful knockout of Cooke, and as far as the Bruins, they made Kane an honorary member for that KO because of what Cooke had done to Savard and not got punished for it.

As far as my other team, the Coyotes, I must say I've been a bad fan and have not been following them as closely as I should. A quick check of the standings tell me they're at the bottom of the Pacific Division with 12 points on the year (4-5-4). Seeing that the team who's at the top of the division has the same number of games and is sitting pretty with 20 points (10-3-0), I can only ask what happened to the team who made it to the playoffs last year? Granted they seem to have been plagued with problems, like Doan being suspended and recently injured, various other players being injured, and I'm kinda wondering is the defense being that crappy or is some of the blame on the goaltenders? All I know is that the Coyotes are second from last in the Western Conference, and that's because the dead last team is two games behind them.

Off to write that paper I guess since it's 15% of my grade.

Hmm...

So tonight I had a bit of a reality check. For me to do the Ireland BUNAC program in (it would need to start between Feb and Aug) 2012, I would need to save up at least $4500 by that time. The question becomes can I do that. Let's say I start saving next month and want to try the program for Feb 2012, that's 15 months. I would need to save $300 a month. Granted I'm hoping to make about $1000 a month between my two jobs. However, if I aimed for August 2012 and a 21 month buffer, I would only need to save $215 a month.

Nevertheless, my big problem will come from my credit cards and my student loans kicking in. One of them, I can't seem to get a decent dent in. The other, my mom helped pay down some, but it's still at a not so pretty number. I really wish I could just combine them and just pay one card. My life would be much easier, but with the crappy credit score I have little hope of getting either card extended to accommodate both of them, that and balance transfers can incur some crazy interest rates.

So time to try and get some stuff done, like seeing if I can get on foodstamps. That alone would help take care of some of the money issues. We'll see how this fares.