Randomness Part Whatever

Warning: This post is partially sex related. You have been warned.


I am having way too much fun with Tumblr. I love how so many of them are photo-blogs. However, if anyone sees it, they'd think I'm a sex-fiend for just how many I am following. I'm really not. I promise. I don't know where my recent obsession with sex images is coming from. I'm not horny; I just find them extremely interesting. I've also found photo-blogs of hot guys. Now that may be an entirely different story as to why I follow them. It satisfies my lust for white guys since they don't really like me that way. I must say that sucks ass, but oh well. Maybe moving to Phoenix will change things. Then again losing weight will probably help too. But I've begun to ramble.

In other news, Ryan "apologised" last week, giving me a card and chocolates. It was a really sweet card, basically saying that we've been through a lot and that's what makes us stronger together. However, our Facebook relationship status is still "single" and he's actually not said anything about us actually being together. So right now we're essentially bedmates. I'm not going to say anything. I still don't really have strong feelings about it. It almost seems like he apologised after I broke down while on the phone with him.

Last Wednesday was just a bad day, especially considering my computer decided to break by not booting. So it's been sent off to Gateway for three weeks. This prompted me to buy the netbook I'm currently typing on. I want to keep it, but it's not economical considering I bought it with a credit card. So more than likely it's either going back to the store or it's being sold. I have a potential buyer, I just need her to get back in touch with me.

Well back to not paying attention to the history of South Africa.

Single Again...

So today, Ryan broke up with me. Mostly after I claimed that he didn't really have the balls to do it. As he said, it was a long time coming. I don't feel too upset over it. Right now I'm just thinking of the financial bind that puts me in, as if I wasn't in a bad enough one already. Maybe it's a type of a shock. Though, I'm not exceedingly shocked. He's been joking around about us breaking up for a while now. And I've been thinking about it longer. Came at a bad time though, but looking at it, it could have come at a worse one, like during finals. I really don't want to explain this to my family. Especially after the big to-do my dad was making this weekend about Ryan and I not really talking to each other. Oh well, it's done. Time to deal and move on.

Procrastination

So in a further effort to not do my work, I'm going to blog.

I've decided to go through with the whole graduate school thing. I don't honestly think I can live in Atlanta for longer than I need to. I'm going to apply to both Arizona State (here's to hoping they find the faculty positions they need) and Indiana University, Bloomington. I'm really more hoping for ASU because I think it would be more like the culture shock I got from going to Newcastle. I've never been out west, I hate the cold for the most part, and I just think it would utterly different for me. Plus it helps that my other hockey team is there. I think the Coyotes are the other big reason why I'd pick Phoenix over Bloomington. But in the mean time, I need to take the GRE, find three teachers to write recommendations for me, and write my statement of purpose. The statement will be the hardest thing, because even now, I'm still not completely sure what I want to do with my life. There are times I wish I just had the money to travel and never look back. Money will surely be the bane of my existence for years to come.

On another note, I'm still trying to write, though I doubt I'll let anyone see it. Writing is something I've been okay at since I was little, but I doubt it's up to par for anything. Like most things I can do, I'm okay at it, but not great at it. Oh well. I'll just get my random little stories out of my head as usual and be done with it. I'm not sure if I'm still gonna do NaNoWriMo. We'll see come October.

But now I really must do work. I'm such a slacker.

How to Not Do School Work

It's weird. I've been obsessed with reading and trying my hand at writing lately. Probably my brain's way of procrastinating to the max, but it's been interesting. I've discovered some new authors that I really like. I've also been writing pieces of a story that's in my head. I know the beginning, middle and end, but I haven't written them. Well I've kinda been writing the middle. Now I'm going back to write the beginning. As much as I want to write an HEA, in this case, as in so many of the stories my brain comes up with, my brain just won't do it. Maybe it's my underlying belief that "happily-ever-after" isn't real. Who knows? I wish it was, and I know it is for some people, but I don't see myself as one of those people.

In other news, I'm contemplating moving to Phoenix for grad school. It's probably like the total opposite of Minneapolis, but it has my other hockey team, and since hockey is determined to take over my life, I figure why not. Arizona State has a MA program in Museum Studies, which is pretty much exactly what I want. It'll be so weird if I go through with this, because that's pretty much moving clear across the country, to the desert at that.

Ramblings

We are now 8 days into the new year. My final semester starts in 4 days. I really don't wanna be up at 7:30 but I must, though technically I don't need Latin anymore. Tuesdays are gonna be long days for me. I've gotta be on campus for about 11 hours. 11 long hours. But at this point, I'm kinda like, it's whatever. I just want to do this semester, hopefully pass with As and Bs and be done with it all. My History and English classes will probably be the hardest for me. Latin frustrates me, but doesn't make me stress too much. I love film, although I'm not sure of the format this film class will take. And it seems that Sociology is something I'm good at, or at least comes to me rather well.

I also need to find a job. This is getting ridiculous. But I haven't cared about that in a while, which is bad. Next week I'm going to try and call my cousin and see if she knows of any internships that are open where she works. I guess I should reapply to Walmart and Kroger now that the holiday season is technically over. In fact, I will try and get all this done Monday. We'll see how well that plan works out.

Progress?

So strangeness of strangeness, Ryan's mom called me this morning. She wanted to inform me that she doesn't dislike me although there had been some issues in the beginning. She said that she likes me as a person, and since I make him happy, that's all that matters to her, though she did acknowledge that Colleen would have been their choice for Ryan since he's their only son. How many parents are going to condone their college aged son dating a high schooler who is 4 years younger than him? But she said that at one point Ryan told her that I make him feel good, and that was good enough for her. Her line about never trying to hurt me was interesting though. And she also said she didn't know how Ryan's dad felt about things, but that he would never try to hurt me either. Interesting choice of words I must say. But I guess this is some type of progress. They'd still probably freak at us being engaged, although at this point I don't know why it'd surprise them.

Oh the things I listen to at 10 in the morning.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.