Progress?

So strangeness of strangeness, Ryan's mom called me this morning. She wanted to inform me that she doesn't dislike me although there had been some issues in the beginning. She said that she likes me as a person, and since I make him happy, that's all that matters to her, though she did acknowledge that Colleen would have been their choice for Ryan since he's their only son. How many parents are going to condone their college aged son dating a high schooler who is 4 years younger than him? But she said that at one point Ryan told her that I make him feel good, and that was good enough for her. Her line about never trying to hurt me was interesting though. And she also said she didn't know how Ryan's dad felt about things, but that he would never try to hurt me either. Interesting choice of words I must say. But I guess this is some type of progress. They'd still probably freak at us being engaged, although at this point I don't know why it'd surprise them.

Oh the things I listen to at 10 in the morning.

Thinking Hurts...

I'm starting to go stir crazy. School ended Thursday, and I couldn't wait, but now I'm just biding my time, hoping to get a call back from a place. Someone on facebook suggested that I should go back to Olive Garden, and I've actually thought about it, or at least thought I should have handled things differently. I don't miss going 7 days a week with no reprieve, but I miss having money and not feeling like a leech. Which is why I can't wait for my loan to come in in January, but the waiting is killing me. I need to find a job ASAP.

On top of that, for some reason my "obsession" with white guys is coming back stronger than ever, which means I'm distancing myself more and more from my relationship. Problem being, I'm not sure I care about getting out anymore. In a strange sort of breakdown, he was the 3rd guy I messed around with, 2nd guy I slept with, and 1st guy I loved. But now we're just stuck in this cycle. We rarely even act like a couple anymore, and I can't blame that on being together almost 3 years. I've seen and heard of people together for much longer and things being okay. I know I'm no longer in love with him, but it makes me wonder what's going on at his end of things. He doesn't talk about his feelings regarding us at all. I think about, and have liked other guys, which considering how I was when I was in love with him and how I never liked anyone else, shows just how far we've come.

I just want to go away where no one knows me and start over again.

Sex Sells...

The following post will in no way be nice, or censored. There probably will be TMI. You've been warned.

I guess I can say I've been really intrigued by sex since I was about 11, though I've known about it since I was much younger and would half-sleep walk to the kitchen with the sounds of porn following me. But year 11/12 was a turning point. I actually sat down and watched porn on my own. Fun stuff that was, especially making sure I didn't get caught by my dad. Porn is the way I learned of masturbation and blow jobs (other than that one scene in Waiting to Exhale) and other than my friends, it was my second biggest source of info. My biggest? Romance novels. They kicked in around age 11 also. I was obsessed with them. By the time I sold the majority of my book collection in 2007, I had probably amassed and/or read over 300 romance novels in 9 or so years. Probably not that staggering of a number if you break it down, but considering it's not the only thing I read, I find that crazy.

But for most of that time, I felt that I was doomed never to have sex. I'm not attractive, and typically fall in the "friend" category with guys, which though it depressed me, I learned to deal with. Then at 19, I lost my virginity. To a one night stand no less. I still don't know why I did that. He was kind of a creepy guy in both looks and attitude. But whatever, I've only spoken to him like once since. Then I met Ryan, and we've been together for the past three years. I've said this before, and I'll say this again, I miss good sex. We used to have fun with it and could enjoy each other for a long time, but now it's hard just getting him to make out with me, let alone have sex. And even when we do, it's usually a 20 min thing and done. 20 mins being at the high side when foreplay is actually involved.

But since the decline in my sex life, I've taken to reading erotica, with my favourite site being Literotica. It is a really cool site that probably has something for everyone. Typically though, the only stores I read on there are black woman/white man, which probably isn't the best obsession considering my boyfriend isn't white. Nonetheless I've always had a thing for white guys, so this is right up my alley. The stores on there just sound like so much fun. Kinky sex in public bathrooms and at clubs and other such escapades. It makes me wish I wasn't in a relationship, so I could go experience it. Not saying I'd be a whore, though if I were a guy, I so would be. A bisexual manwhore.

But this semester has brought up something to me. I'm very intrigued by non-conventional sex. I guess I've kinda always known this, but writing a paper on sadomasochism just pointed it out more. Then I decided for NaNoWriMo next year, I want to write about a romance between a African-American call girl and a white businessman. Yep. That'd probably cause some issues for the people reading it, but that's another post I plan on doing. Over the weekend, I found more sex blogs to read, considering there are a large about of women out there blogging about their sex lives. Today while at the library, I decided to find books on prostitution (GSU has an interesting section on it, right after stuff on BDSM). I'm sure the guy who checked out my books probably thought I was weird, but I am just so fascinated with women who do sex work because they want to. Come to think of it, if I had the body for it, I would probably be a stripper. Maybe a call girl.

I know I'm weird.

Everything is wrong...

The following post will be of the self loathing/pitying type.

You know, even with the economy being what it is, I really didn't think it would be this hard to find another job. I've applied in at least eight places, and I've only had two interviews. I'm starting to think I made a big mistake in leaving Olive Garden as much as I hated it, especially since I'm wearing my credit thin. I guess I was just really hoping I could get a personal student loan, but Citi denied me for that because of various reasons. So now I'm making things worse on myself, but I guess that's nothing new. My mom wouldn't help me get the loan either, although she's bitching about having to pay for school this year. She doesn't want to trap herself in that because of the issues she had with my uncle, which I understand, but still...

I'm just so tired, both mentally and physically. I'm ready for this hellish semester to be over. I'm lethargic and sad most of the time. Granted what's wrong with me probably couldn't be classified as depression, although whatever it is is getting worse. As in thinking thoughts I really shouldn't worse. But I'm starting not to care because I just figure, no one else does. I'm disliked by parts of my family. My mother loves to critize me, especially about my weight. My dad won't stand up to her probably because he owes her so much.

I feel like my life is falling apart around me and there's nothing to do to stop it.

"Stupid in Love"

Skip to the bottom for my comment if you don't wanna read this all

I've ALWAYS loved darker skin and a voluptuousness figure. Among other things, they're some of the aspects that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the most beautiful and sexy women on earth, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM often get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and even turned off at times by a man who expressed that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? What's your hold up? Because it IS YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating for me to come across that, because my heart's desire was simply to express my appreciation and love for their beauty, and speaking of it is one of the ways a man does so; yet they wouldn't let me because they were offended that I found their God-given features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense to me! I think often times, people don't know how to relax and be themselves and let others simply appreciate them. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment! There isn't always an ulterior motive or lack of depth behind it. Let us WM appreciate you with our compliments!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Everyone talks about "bein' real" these days, so let me be real: Of course we desire s*x with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease desiring s*x because we find you incredible? If I'm going to be thought of as having a f*tish, then it's a permanent one. I'm not apologizing for my God-given desires. Would you prefer to have my desire for you wane like the daylight? I'd think not! My desire is to be in a committed relationship with a BW and for her to desire me physically and sexually (and to express it to me) just as much as I desire her, and permanently so. It's not just about body and s*x, but it IS a significant aspect and just as important as the mind, the emotions, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring beautiful full lips, a big booty, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. I love your cute nose, your hair, your femininity, your spirit. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down - I always have. Why are some people attracted to blondes and others brunettes? Why do some like thin and others love curvy? My desires are what God Himself placed within me. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man and share with her how much I'm attracted to her and her beauty, and let me show that love and appreciation through my words the way I know how (as a man), then it would serve to help build trust and ultimately, relationship.

Now, I understand that a man needs to pay attention to the elements of boundary and tact, but at the same time, this shouldn't mean that he can't be free to express his appreciation for what he sees. We're not horses with blinders. We have eyes and minds to process what we see, and we're very visually oriented. Women desire intimacy and communication from men, ultimately speaking, but when a WM begins to express himself and what he loves and is attracted to in regard to BW, suddenly, it devolves into suspicion, fear, and defensiveness.

Now let me express my heart further... My heart's desire is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with a BW, to love her, to make her my queen, and to be her king. And please don't mock that statement. I'm not speaking of fairy tales, but two adults loving and investing in each other for life. Every couple has their issues to work through - that's life - but my desire is to be married to a BW and to build a good life and marriage, to build a family and a home with her, and to grow old together. None of these things in life are achieved without there first being a very strong desire to do so. Shall I go on? Yes, I want our relationship to be hot and passionate, but I also want it to serve as an example to others about the way God intended a man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. I want mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual intimacy with a BW. I mean, isn't relational intimacy what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Of course, s*x and physical attraction are also important, and I want both to be white hot, just like any BW would want. However, it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need the freedom to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. You're not an object to me. You're a woman first, a creation of God (and the most beautiful at that), you're a person with a beautiful heart and mind - thoughts and feelings, desires and goals, hopes and fears, victories and regrets, just as any other person. You're someone whose mind and strength I highly value and desire. You just so happen to have the physical and sexual qualities that drive me crazy! Yes, you have the incredible curves and brown skin that I love, OK? Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "f*tish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's simply a part of how I share and show my appreciation and love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it creates pain - it begins to wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love and appreciation. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love and appreciate each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't reject someone just because they desire to appreciate you.

Now, I understand that everything should be looked at with wisdom... there are those who are selfish and spend their lives hurting people. And no one wants to be used and abused. I understand that. People have their experiences and defenses according to what they've gone through. But friendship and love involve risk, and sometimes, we need to see a compliment simply for what is: a compliment and sincere desire.

I've always considered myself strong, but all of this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open and "real" as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for the benefit of the black women here so that you have the opportunity to perhaps learn something new and understand that my physical and sexual attraction to black women is not without a deeper desire for love and commitment. There are others like me. But not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may still be offended (although I wouldn't understand why, after everything I've said). And some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond s*x. Well, we do. But if you're uncomfortable with my words, with my desire and appreciation of your physical beauty, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human, too. --Zeta @ dawnali.com

Why can't I find this? *sigh* Granted I don't really feel that I'm attractive right now (though this is usually never), but still. I guess in a way I have this with Ryan, but I don't know. I don't even want some epic love story. I'm not even asking for the whole "one true love" thing. I just want a relationship where I wasn't second pick; where I don't get annoyed by so much that he does; where we can spend time together and he doesn't get on my nerves. I used to be able to spend time with Ryan and enjoyed it so much, but now, I just can't. His whiny, child-like nature just irks me. I want to scream "Act like a fucking grown-up. You're 21." But I can't, and I won't.

It's probably going to take a kick in the ass to stop considering his feelings over mine. I know how his ex-girlfriend hurt him, I was the one who put him together, and because of that, I feel this strange loyalty to the relationship regardless of if I'm happy or not. I've been told to stop worrying about him and his feelings considering I'm unhappy, but for some reason I can't. I love him dearly as a friend. We've been through a lot together. We survived me going to England for a year when we had only been together for about 9 months. Granted during all that time, I was still second choice. It wasn't until Colleen broke up with him that I became first because I was the one who stuck with him in spite of it all. Thinking about it now, I don't know what I was thinking. I was "stupid in love" and put all of my expectations into it, now I wish I had let it go.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.