"Stupid in Love"

Skip to the bottom for my comment if you don't wanna read this all

I've ALWAYS loved darker skin and a voluptuousness figure. Among other things, they're some of the aspects that have always drawn me to black women. Black women to me, are the most beautiful and sexy women on earth, and it has nothing do with experimentation or any of that silly nonsense that we WM often get accused of simply because we like whom we like.

I could never understand why BW would get uncomfortable and even turned off at times by a man who expressed that! It would make me think, "What's wrong with this person? Would you prefer I find you UNattractive? What's your hold up? Because it IS YOUR hold up." I'm just being honest here. It was incredibly frustrating for me to come across that, because my heart's desire was simply to express my appreciation and love for their beauty, and speaking of it is one of the ways a man does so; yet they wouldn't let me because they were offended that I found their God-given features attractive. It just made absolutely no sense to me! I think often times, people don't know how to relax and be themselves and let others simply appreciate them. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment! There isn't always an ulterior motive or lack of depth behind it. Let us WM appreciate you with our compliments!!! So many BW have really missed out on great guys simply because they couldn't handle the fact that we WM find you so incredibly beautiful. Everyone talks about "bein' real" these days, so let me be real: Of course we desire s*x with you - God made us sexual beings. Did we cease being males and did you BW cease desiring s*x because we find you incredible? If I'm going to be thought of as having a f*tish, then it's a permanent one. I'm not apologizing for my God-given desires. Would you prefer to have my desire for you wane like the daylight? I'd think not! My desire is to be in a committed relationship with a BW and for her to desire me physically and sexually (and to express it to me) just as much as I desire her, and permanently so. It's not just about body and s*x, but it IS a significant aspect and just as important as the mind, the emotions, the spirit and the chemistry found in those areas.

I will never apologize (nor should I) for desiring beautiful full lips, a big booty, thick legs, round hips, a busty chest, or brown skin. I love curves and voluptuousness and sexy, brown skin. I love your cute nose, your hair, your femininity, your spirit. What else can I say about that? It's what I like and love. It's what I prefer, it's what I desire deep down - I always have. Why are some people attracted to blondes and others brunettes? Why do some like thin and others love curvy? My desires are what God Himself placed within me. It's part of who I am. And if a BW would let a WM like me be a man and share with her how much I'm attracted to her and her beauty, and let me show that love and appreciation through my words the way I know how (as a man), then it would serve to help build trust and ultimately, relationship.

Now, I understand that a man needs to pay attention to the elements of boundary and tact, but at the same time, this shouldn't mean that he can't be free to express his appreciation for what he sees. We're not horses with blinders. We have eyes and minds to process what we see, and we're very visually oriented. Women desire intimacy and communication from men, ultimately speaking, but when a WM begins to express himself and what he loves and is attracted to in regard to BW, suddenly, it devolves into suspicion, fear, and defensiveness.

Now let me express my heart further... My heart's desire is to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with a BW, to love her, to make her my queen, and to be her king. And please don't mock that statement. I'm not speaking of fairy tales, but two adults loving and investing in each other for life. Every couple has their issues to work through - that's life - but my desire is to be married to a BW and to build a good life and marriage, to build a family and a home with her, and to grow old together. None of these things in life are achieved without there first being a very strong desire to do so. Shall I go on? Yes, I want our relationship to be hot and passionate, but I also want it to serve as an example to others about the way God intended a man and woman to love and relate to each other - on all levels. I want mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, and sexual intimacy with a BW. I mean, isn't relational intimacy what any healthy human being wants, male or female, bottom line?

Of course, s*x and physical attraction are also important, and I want both to be white hot, just like any BW would want. However, it's only a part of me - not all of me. Let me be a man. Let me be attracted to you. Let me share it with you. If I can't show you because it's not the right time or place to, then I at least need the freedom to talk about it and I need you to hear me, and understand, and value how I beautiful and sexy I find you to be. You're not an object to me. You're a woman first, a creation of God (and the most beautiful at that), you're a person with a beautiful heart and mind - thoughts and feelings, desires and goals, hopes and fears, victories and regrets, just as any other person. You're someone whose mind and strength I highly value and desire. You just so happen to have the physical and sexual qualities that drive me crazy! Yes, you have the incredible curves and brown skin that I love, OK? Bottom line, I just want to love a woman and have her love me back the same - and my attraction to you (my "f*tish" for you, or whatever you may want to call it), is permanent, and it's simply a part of how I share and show my appreciation and love.

I don't think BW truly understand how deep down into a man's soul this desire for you goes. So many of you simply do NOT understand. After awhile, the frustration of not being released to share something that resides so deep down builds up to the point that it creates pain - it begins to wound the heart. And we end up with people on both sides who don't feel appreciated, are frustrated, and walk away missing out and not sharing love and appreciation. It's ridiculous - no wonder people in society are so miserable. All we're trying to do is love and appreciate each other and we either don't know how to accept it, or we're blocked from sharing it. It's like we're bumbling around in the dark. It doesn't mean you have to get involved with everyone you meet, but don't reject someone just because they desire to appreciate you.

Now, I understand that everything should be looked at with wisdom... there are those who are selfish and spend their lives hurting people. And no one wants to be used and abused. I understand that. People have their experiences and defenses according to what they've gone through. But friendship and love involve risk, and sometimes, we need to see a compliment simply for what is: a compliment and sincere desire.

I've always considered myself strong, but all of this is very difficult for a man like me to share. I'm being as honest and open and "real" as I know how to be. And I'm risking sharing this for the benefit of the black women here so that you have the opportunity to perhaps learn something new and understand that my physical and sexual attraction to black women is not without a deeper desire for love and commitment. There are others like me. But not many men will share this openly with you. The internet affords me a bit of anonymity, so I can release myself a bit easier to be open.

Some of you may not know how to respond to this honesty; some of you may still be offended (although I wouldn't understand why, after everything I've said). And some of you may find it shocking that some of us men actually feel beyond s*x. Well, we do. But if you're uncomfortable with my words, with my desire and appreciation of your physical beauty, give it time, and you'll see I'm just human, too. --Zeta @ dawnali.com

Why can't I find this? *sigh* Granted I don't really feel that I'm attractive right now (though this is usually never), but still. I guess in a way I have this with Ryan, but I don't know. I don't even want some epic love story. I'm not even asking for the whole "one true love" thing. I just want a relationship where I wasn't second pick; where I don't get annoyed by so much that he does; where we can spend time together and he doesn't get on my nerves. I used to be able to spend time with Ryan and enjoyed it so much, but now, I just can't. His whiny, child-like nature just irks me. I want to scream "Act like a fucking grown-up. You're 21." But I can't, and I won't.

It's probably going to take a kick in the ass to stop considering his feelings over mine. I know how his ex-girlfriend hurt him, I was the one who put him together, and because of that, I feel this strange loyalty to the relationship regardless of if I'm happy or not. I've been told to stop worrying about him and his feelings considering I'm unhappy, but for some reason I can't. I love him dearly as a friend. We've been through a lot together. We survived me going to England for a year when we had only been together for about 9 months. Granted during all that time, I was still second choice. It wasn't until Colleen broke up with him that I became first because I was the one who stuck with him in spite of it all. Thinking about it now, I don't know what I was thinking. I was "stupid in love" and put all of my expectations into it, now I wish I had let it go.

Hmm...

As I yet again knew, I can write Sociology/Criminal Justice papers and get As, but History papers only garner Bs. It still sucks not realising what you're good at until you've almost graduated. Now it's too late, although at the rate I'm going, I think I've almost got a Sociology major too. But it's only my minor, so no go. They would probably try to kill me if I changed my stuff now. Well I take that back. Looking at my what-if analysis, I would need 6 more classes to finish a Sociology major. I'm kinda tempted to come back and get it since that's basically a semester or two worth of work. I could still have my double major, just not in the traditional way.

Hmm... This makes me think. I need to check what GSU requires to come back and get a second degree. Maybe I won't feel so useless with two degrees, one being more practical than the other.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple

My "depression" is getting worse. I've been trying to get back into stuff, but it's just not working. I think that's part of the reason I threw myself into hockey. Granted it's a great game, but I just wanted something to like. That and I've gone back to reading romance novels, probably because I feel like my own relationship is such a failure. Granted they're not really helping anything because I know my life will probably never work that way. The one guy who will probably ever love me as more than a friend is someone I'm not longer in love with, but I'm still with.

Right now I really just hate my life. I'm tired of school, can't find a job (which makes me feel like I shouldn't have quit Olive Garden even though I was miserable there), and I feel like my life isn't really going anywhere. I've decided to give up on going to grad school because I don't really seem to be awesome or attracted to doing any particular thing. Right now I just want a job, and I'll deal with the rest as it comes.

I almost want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and maybe I can start over again. I won't be this miserable failure at life. Or maybe I still would be. Who knows? I'm coming back to that point where I just don't want to exist anymore. Not kill myself, just not exist.

Two Can Play That Game

You know for someone who says he doesn't like his family very much, Ryan can pull some bitch ass moves. Like last night, he was telling me that his sister was going to fix such-and-such for me for Thanksgiving, and I was just like, "You know I don't eat other people's cooking unless I know what's in it, because what people might think of as vegetarian really isn't." Of course, he got bitchy about that saying that me not eating at his family functions was rude, case in point one of the first family dinners I had with him. But he seems to conveniently forget that he told me to eat before we went; therefore, I wasn't hungry and didn't not want to try anything. I understand that his family thought it was rude, and I didn't mean for it to come off that way. Of course he didn't tell me until afterwards that they thought it was rude, so the next time a family dinner came around, I just made something for myself and ate it there.

But after I told him, I'm not going to eat something when I don't want to, he got all quiet and pissy, eventually storming off into our room. When I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed he wasn't upset, but nonetheless pretty much refused to speak to me. So before I walked out of the room, I informed him that from now on, we'll just do holidays seperate, so his family doesn't think I'm rude.

I'm tired of him trying to guilt trip me about this. Not even my own family pulls that shit. They know I'm vegetarian, and leave it at that. Sometimes they will cook stuff I can eat, but more often than not, they'll let me do whatever about my own eating habits. I'm thankful that his family tries to make something for me, and I don't have any issue with that, because that's really nice of them to do. I have tried stuff they've made or ordered, but there are a lot of things I won't automatically eat because I don't know how they were cooked. Like my dad, he didn't see any problem cooking corn or green beans with meat in the pot, and just said I could pick around it. I don't do that. There might be vegetarian's who do, but not me. Once he got the whole, "it's still got meat juice in it" he would cook it without. That's cool, and considering my daddy is one of the biggest meat eaters on earth, that was nice of him.

But Ryan doesn't get it. Not only does he guilt trip me about it, but I don't feel comfortable at his family gatherings. I know his parents don't like me, even though they're trying to be nice about things. It always just feels like I'm an outsider observing what's going on, and if I wanted to do that, I'd just go be with my own family, like I'll be doing this year. And of course he also forgot the fact that he doesn't like to split the same holiday between families, for whatever reason. His parents have people coming in from out of town for Christmas, but since we spent last Christmas with them, it was my parents turn. I just said oh well, and he gave me such a look because if we were following what had been established the previous year, he couldn't spend this Christmas with his family. That didn't fly with him, but last Christmas when I wanted to go see my family on Christmas day, he wouldn't come with me, although we had spent Christmas Eve with his. Problem with this? I think so.

He is such a punk ass bitch.

Realisations

I have determined that I am no longer in love with history thanks to GSU. Northumbria made me love it, especially when it came to women's history. Made me want to study it for a Ph.D. in it too, but GSU has taken all the love out of it. I still love my specialized areas like miscegenation and Plains Indians Wars and European dynasties. I have no clue how I reconcile those let alone go on to do something like graduate school. In fact I don't think I'm going to grad school anymore. I don't know what I want so why waste the money and resources? I'll just try and find a job in Atlanta and leave it at that.

Right now I just wish I was more focused on school. I have a feeling this semester will be my worst semester ever and what makes that knowledge worse is the fact that I didn't have to put myself through this. If GSU had given me the right track this would be my last semester. I guess I can just reconcile myself with the fact that it at least gave me a minor I love and I'm really good at. Unfortunately it's too late to switch majors or I would. Sociology is what I'm good at but I discovered that too late as with everything I love regarding school.

Now the question is where do I go from here?

The Laziness

I have been extremely lazy the last two days. Well I should say ever since I finished my draft of my prospectus. So far I've cleaned a little, went on a walk, started reading a romance novel, and went to a hockey game. The Thrashers game was awesome, though they didn't pick up themselves up until the 3rd period. Then we went into overtime, where it stayed tied until the shoot out where our players Peverley and Kozlov scored our two goals while St. Louis Blues scored nothing. Although I must say, their goalie Ty Conklin kicked ass. Out of 40 shots on him, he only let in 2 goals. We still love Moose though.

Ally and I are watching a film that's partially based in Newcastle, and of course we're missing the place. I wish I could go back during Spring Break, but I doubt I'd have the money.

Pure and Utter BS

So apparently I was talking ill of his parents by saying that they wanted him to come over and help them instead of him going to Pride? Maybe I'm missing something here, but how is that speaking ill of them? I already know they're racist and didn't say anything about that, nor did I say they were bigots, which they very well could be, but I don't know. So I'm just a little confused by the whole speak ill of them thing. There are so many more things I could say about them, and at times have said about them. But his main issue was that I said this in front of Ally, and therefore it was disrespectful to him. If I was calling his parents names or something, I could understand that, but I must truly be missing something.

And then he's upset because Ally knows he owes me money, and feels that that's something that should stay between us. His pride might not let him tell others about him owing me money, but there's no pride issue on my side, so yes, I told my best friend about it. But he saw no problem with telling one of his classmates that we don't have sex that often. Double standard here much? As long as he's known me, he's known there are certain things that aren't private to me. I will admit I'm in debt and that I rarely have an orgasm from penetration. That isn't a big deal to me, but he can't be a man about things and just say this to my face. He has to use it as venom in a war that apparently he gets to decide when it ends.

But you know I just loved it when he said, "We can make excuses for your behaviour and attitude for only so long. But in the end either buy a "filter" or find a way to keep the attitude in check." Oh really? Mr. I'd rather not deal with my problems at all, or I get pissy when things don't go my way. And I just love it when he declared the conversation over with. Really? Okay. Screw him.