Today is one of those days that I know I'm starting to feel sorry for myself, and part of my brain is screaming for me to get over it. After ranting about Ryan and eating something I shouldn't have, I've realised, probably yet again, this isn't where I want to be. I'm in a relationship that I feel is going nowhere, and I know that the love he's showing towards me, I'm no longer reciprocating. I hate how I look, and rarely even feel pretty anymore, even when I dress up. I hate being fat, but for some reason, don't really have the willpower to do something about it. Sometimes I wonder if this is how I'm supposed to be, but then I think about the fact that I got down to a size 12 in the first place. I want to have a peaceful night's sleep, or even a decent night's sleep. I feel so lost right now, and as much as I'd love to blame it on PMS, I know I can't. My life isn't where I want it to be, but I have no clue how to change it. Sometimes I wish I just didn't exist. It's not even that I want to die, just not exist. I almost wish I could just pack up and leave and start over somewhere else where I could make myself into whoever I wanted to be. I just want out.
06 July 2009
"That is not it at all. That is not what I meant at all."
Posted by Lacey Ryan at 00:02
Labels: thinking hurts, weirdness
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3 comments:
Just make sure you take me with you.
I feel the same way, exactly. But I have to believe that my nest is becoming uncomfortable so that I will get off my butt and fly. It's the only thing keeping me sane.
And even though I don't know you terribly well, I do know that you have to be fantastic. You'll graduate soon, and have big plans. I know you'll accomplish them, because look how far you've already come. I believe in you. And I mean that.
Ok that's my sappy good deed for the day. The quota is now full.
To The Tiny Dangerous One:
Sorry it took me so long to respond, but thank you for your kind words. I hope things pan out the way I need them too.
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